A NIGHTMARE LIFE.

Auckland Star, Volume II, Issue 538, 30 September 1871, Page 2

A NIGHTMARE LIFE.

[fbom " harper's new monthly magazine."]

In the year 186^ ther^: were at Paris, as vrfjl as in the department?, a hundred lotteries for charitable purposes. Monsieur and Madame simple-retired herbalUsrs, enjoyed on a thL*d floor in the Une'Clidtiit, about three thousand francs a year, d£ which they scarcely spent twothirds. -They rose at nine, breakfasted, went to the Jardin dcs Plantes to look at the bears, the monkeys, and the two colossal elephants ; returned to dinner at 5, ■played a game at piquet-,-and went to-bed when the drums beat the retreat. How was it possible for them to spend more ? On Sundays they passed the day at Belville, where they had hired a square patch of garden, in the middle of which rose a aert-o^' cabin/ christened-by^them with: the "title*1 of "country-house: -' -;- -Tbeir friends and me?smate3 consisted of a pug dog named Pryame/who was madame's spoiled child; a cat called iViinette, especially petted by monsieur ; and a family of turtledoves, a source to both of the most, delightful recollections,: particularly-; w3ien the coQk eriterfeined the hen with his inttern|inal)le series off salutations. InTshort, their fef£%«r a; 'succession of days, varied every year with two or three important eventSj such as the happy hatching of a pairofTit'tle turtle doves, orithe imprudent propensity which Miaette manifested* to hunt after nocturnal [adventures in early spring. The Simples, therefore, were as happy as it was po3-, sible for people to be,wben. madarae took it into her head to lay out the joint savings of her husband and herself in the purchase of a ticket 1 an^eachMoitery. Madame >imple, who was now and then tickled by dreams.qf luxury and grandeur, was; not sorry to sow* the-'seed of emotions id the somewhat too uniform furrow of hep existence. Madame Simple's hopes were note "disappointed. Her husband announced to her 83 times that they had won the principal prize in each lottery, thereby affording her 33 different emotions, which varied, according to the importance of the sum, from trembling to convulsion, from IkclirSaiiotfto" fainting. The result was Qiat thq^goo^TTprk.Sjsof the lady brought ' .Vf onaieur and^Madame Simple the trifle of 1,250,000 francs.

Scene I,—l he clock struck 9. J^Tonsieur simple sat up iii his bed, and rubbed his eyes. "Wake up, goody!" "lam. not asleep,-"replied Madame simple,.with importance; "I am reflecting." "Let us make haste and dress. Weshall.be too-late to see the monkeys IoL out. " " You well deserve to bear the name which you have given me, Monsieur Simple ! When people have 60,000 franca ajeanthey do not amuse themselves i wil!h such, nonsense tfa.monkey* We will go shopping this morning along the Boufevards, as far as the Madeleine. I must have 1,000 francs' worth of lace. " "lo open the shop'witn, goody, dear? " "To trim a satin mantelet, Monsieur Simple. " " That 'srill indeed be a fine mantelet, then." ."~I mean we shall .have-plenty of, other smart things, too. " "Do you fancy thate we are to live any longer in this stupidj humdrum way, in a sort o£ public barrack, where twenty lodgers elbow each other on the staircase ?" " Nobody has ever elbowed me," returns Simple. " But that might happen. In short, I hire long and maturely meditated upon ourn'ew position, as well as on the changes which it ought to cause in our existence. . -My plan^arearranged." . . i-Madame Simple was an extremely expeditious person. Her plan was no sooner conceived than executed ;_and the happy couple were soon installed, as if by enchantment, in a grand hotel in the'Cliaussee d'-Antin. Four servants in splendid livery loitered about the door, a caleche and a coupe stood, in the coach-house, and four magnificent-horses pavred tile floor of the stable. M. Simple regarded all these fine things with an air of complete astonishment. He wandered from one^room: to another—walked on the tips of his toes, as if he had been in a sick man's chamber, fie wiped off with h:s isliseye any dust of snuff which he mijght to let fall upon the furniture' ;_ a*hd his wife had the greatest possible diflßculty in, makinsf Biin ; understand that'he need not take off^ft' hat when:lie ipqke ;td f.hte" servants.' _'", '' ■' ' "'.*- ''''-' ''■'' ' ; -■ '■•'■ , d

Scene IT.—Monsieur" Simple, wished to get up* . Eollqtcing. the instructions his wi;e had given him, he pulled a bellrope which hung at his bed's head. At £ a- end of five minutes, as nobody came, he pitv.-,^ at the rope, for the second time. 'At **.t Jean, the valet dechambre, showed furiiselr, px»ffi Q g as if he had put himself- out of breath- % in such an extraordinar^hury; so that m. Simple, instead 'of firakih'g any remark abo,^ j.-; sneglfjifteee; pitied the: fate? r> f poor serrants who are compelled to'throw ■tlietrtselres into;a perspiration to satisfy the 'impatteht-demands of their masters. Jean: took; a good quarter of an hour to collect ancfarrangei the requisites for M. Simple|lsi 1 toilert; He' employed a second quarter of ari Eaur in sharing'1 him and brushing his Hair, a third in pulling on his .boots, a fourth in tying "his. cravat, and a QJ-tb. in Assisting hi,m with his waistcoat o,nd ao&i, - M- Simple had Ithe pleasure of rspend ; ing r an,,holur>and; a Ijalf j.n an oper-n.tion-.wliiohfQ^nie^y-.jpcqupied him only •20 rmiiaute^to complete.

-Scene lll.—Dinner-time arrived, and M. bimpie sat, down to table, r Dear dear ! What, can this "be, ducky ? "he said, as he : tasted some .soup T r.whieh,was j^fef* fejotly; unknown* to.him in regard to colour*, 1 taste, and smell* "Itis a crawfish soup, delicately seasoned. "."Delicately poisoned i you ToieaU', my darling. Now that we are rieh'^i "there is no reason why: we should not 'hare a hotch-potch 'every day, with a chicken in it too." Madame simple . raisedher eyebrows in horror. ;*" A. hotch-1 potch f The idea of'requiring a cook .who served in Milord Plumpudding's kitchen to make a hotch-potch !." "Ah ! Our cook has —" " People who have &: cook, who lias cooked for Milord Pj urn pudding ought not to dine like everyday folks," " What a pity! I should have been well satisfied with a hotcli* potch. " At the second course M. Simple opened his eyes with astonishment,"and let his hands fall .upon his .lap in complete despair. "Take something myi dear; help yourself t<v someihiu^, " iViadarne .Simple; "** Quite impossible, goody!. Ihavenot room fora tnorsel more. I have alrpadyl. done ho'libur to' twov dishes. " pr'dinafy^ private '* little dinners will i consists of Six. ' S^e' can not havß;. lessj now that vre are woiih^-^-'." ''Of course;

six be the number, my i OTe • position requires it; but you wSI J** me to obserye that tW,^! aUo* sion to eat of every one oUji - ?^" is to say, you would cause Milord Pi, fc pudding's cook the vexation of Si , n * . m< that his ragouts had failed, and &TH are dissatisfied with his ex£l 7°l " Do you think it would have A S\ upon Milord Plnmpnddin^.^JS Only imagine yourself in Vis p| ace ,, "That is all I require thought Mo^L Simple. "I am quite sure he doesTf feel obliged to taste of every mess? makes." Daring the night M. Simrf! was exceedingly unwell. "Whatever my wife mny say," he muttered toW self, «? hotch-potch would not have disT I greed with me in this way." ... , S-jene IV.-«Dear, did you oWe how certain persons smiled yesterday when they heard our name mentioned?' "I confess I paid no attention to-them" "Even oar very servants, when ev<Jrthe*, have to pronounce It, find it difficult to keep a serious countenance. " ' "Ourser vanta are ridiculous- servants, then!1"' " No ; 'tis our namo that is ridiculous!" "My father's name.' " " Your father had not 60,000 francs a year!" "Hassan honest gardener, glad enough to get sit days' journey-work everyweek, at the handsome rate of three francs a day." "j 0 be sure ; to be sure ! ■ People don't talk of these things, except when they are alone and that as little as possible,for fear of con. tracting the habit of doing so. Isaidatthg time- that it was a matter ofnesessity fb t us to change our name." "Renounce my father's name !" cries M. Srmple,'crimson with indignation. " Pray who asks you to renounce it ? Simple as W as you like ; only be so in more fashionable style. Do yoti fancy, for instance, that it would be-any affront to yoir father's memory to have iis announced, whca we enter a drawing- room, as Monsieur and Madame Sirnplecour?" "I should have no objection, my darling duck; but you have thought uponquite a grand alteration. I If you h?d had the modesty to propose Simplebourg, I might rhave said sometliingtoit!" "Oh.no! Thatsouudstoo GermaniSed ! I am a Frenchwoman. Framce for ever ! I stick to Simplecour!" "And I to Simplebo'urg! " The discussion was long, and ended in a compromise. It was agreed that henceforth Monsieur and Madame Simple should bear the name of Monsieur and Madame De ville. . . . One day Madame Be ."••im. plenville siid to her husband,'" My dear, you will accompany me this morning!" •' To go and see the monkeys? " and AT. De Simpienville's countenance brightened up at the very thought. The lady re* garded him with a haughty look, which said as plain as possible, "Poor dear ' man !he has been Simple so long as to continue Simple all his days." "So, dear," she answered—" no, it is not the monkeys we are to see. lam going to introduce you to-day into a world where you. ought to have figured long ago," continued the lady, adjusting her bonnet. " I do not know whether it has ever struck you thai you are utterly good for nothing in a philanthropical sense, and ate of no earthly^ service to any living creature." " I confess that this fact had entirely escaped my observation." ' W dispeople whose authority in such matters is incontestable haTe already made the discovery for you ; and they had only to^indicate the circumstance to me to make me'resolve immediately mat your nuility^ andrinsigiiificance should forthwith cease."' "My nulity and insignificance ?' echoed Monsieur" De : Simplenville. "Here is your diploma as a member of the Society for the Mutual Safeguard of the Respective Eights of Aslti and Animals. Thij morning the installations take place. We will be present on that occasion." M. De ' SimiilenviFle went as he wa* -bid. .. . " What is your opinion, my lore, of these respectable gentlemen whose eloquence you have just been listening to?" was "Madame De Simplenville s question to her husband as soon as the meeting had dissolved. " My opinion, goody, is that the monkeys are a great d^al mpie amusing. Notwithstanding M. De - Siinplinville's irreverent opinions, he was obliged to practice all the duties .and participate in all the righf sofa member of the Ph'l* obestial -Society. -.... .Bat all the whilo that Madame De. Simplenville was in ecsfcacy at seeing her husband hold so high a position—if not in society.at least in societies—the poor man himself fell into adeporable state. What With1 Residing over the meetings, the keeping, of the registers the summing up of the reports, _ and the t classification of documents,.hisiime was filled to such a degree that he had not a moment to .collect his thoughts. Jtle was reduced to the sfate of an Mtomaton. Nevertheless, an observer might have remarked that he occasionally;.ground his teeth, and looked desperately fierce whea he Ward people about liim say, "What a lucky follow is ~M. De t-implenville 1 What a capital thirrg is it to' have a large fortune!" The'truth is that he often muttered to■ htm self, tfie deuce was I thinking about whcnl let my wife "put irito<those horrid lctteries 1" t IX.—One dayM. De SinlplenYille said to madame, " I am harrassed, worn out, morally as well as pSyiscally, and feel that I.want to be sent to grass, exactly like an old broken-down cab noWj Ah, if 1 could only go into the country! » Good heavens! I ought to hove thongnt of that, " exclaimed "Madame DeSimplenville. " The idea never entered my head, iidvit iffEaster-wfisk already—the fashionable time fot ruralisingv- -Bui it is J»; possible to bear everything in mind. She soon made the discovery and the acquisition of a country seafc on the banks ol the ,Marne, flanked by four pepper-box turrets; and known as ; the Chateau, de la Jobardiere, which gave h^r-lfee ngnt of henceforth styling herself Ma^me W Simplenville de'la Jobardierfii Wff'r of joy illuminated M. J)& Simp^iil 6 * woebegone countenance. "I shtfil gee a little rest at last," he said, stretching himself in delight on the cushions of JM carriage which bore him to his new «W" main. But alas !he must have been mWj of very primitive materials if he fancied that people with 60,000 francs a yeargo into the country to breathe thefreshmorning air, to 101 lon the. cool grass m -ac noontide shade, to live at their ease, ana go to bed t-arly -in a word, to rest themselves. As to Madame de SimplenviUe de la j;obardiere 4 she was richly endowed with every instinct of gentility, and understood the principles of ooimtrj^-life quifce as did the. routujfliiof We « town. Her husband, as usual, was obliged

to conform. As soon as they got to the chateau, there was a round ot calls to make on all the neighbours, to entreat (keffl to come and augment by their presence, the pleasure they anticipated ftpm their country residence. fj or mAst we omit to mention that similar i invitations had been given to all theif Paris acquaintances. In a very short iflT&the Chateau de la Jobardiere became t\i"e general rendezvous for girls looking out for husbands, young men sharp after \Yell-Port'one d damsels, the male and female relations of each, with muldtudinouus crowds of parasites who, with a small income of their own, manage to taste at other people's houses all the eniovments which wealth con procure. . . . J O^1C jaj—one fatal day—it rained. Tho company wero assembled in the drawingroom, and were devising the means of bailing with the ennui which bad weather brings in country quarters. Some one proposed private theatricals. A uliout of delight welcomed the motion. Tie very next day they went to work. To M. De Simplenville de la Jobordiere W as assigned the task of erecting the theatre, planning the decorations, arranging the seats, and the mode of lighting He had parts to copy in roundhand text to save the eyesight of the yprious actors. He was chosen arbitrator and umpire in the endless disputes which Jbaliaissure to inspire in little theatre, as well'as in great ones. And, besides that, he had to. study a long, stupid part which it was unanimously decided he alone WBB capable of filling. It was too much ! For some time past the measure had been full-• nothing could now hinder the vessel from overflowing. The feather was about to break the can-el's back, already overWlited. In. ili middle of a dark night, "during which he- saw dancing beiore his eyes {Tniedley of boimets, hats, shawls, •benches, curtains, side-scene?, and lamps, all performing a sort of wUch-iike dance, M- JLle .-impltnTiiie.de la Johardit-re suddenly jumped out of bed, stole out of the chateau with nothing on butbis dressinggown and his" cotton nightcap,crossed the park made straight, for the open country,. witli his arms folded, head resting upon Ins | breast, walking on with that solemn pace which'biidding; tragedians delight to. imitate. After devoting a considerable lime to this gymnastic, but, under the curcumstanees, 'unhealthy exercise, he reached the foot of a lofty mountain. Then he climbed form rock to rock, 'constantly maintaining the same pace and attitude. Arrived at the summit, he found himself on the edge of a precipice whose depth it was impossible for eye to fathom. Monsieur De yimplenville de la Jobardiere halted tor a moment, turned his head, glanced a look of bitter scorn at the world behind him, and, with a loud yell,- cast himself headlong into the abyss ! At eight o'clock next morning, the sunshine was playing on the white curtains of her bed, when Madame Simple sat up and gazed about her. " Old ducky darling {" said she impatiently. Monsieur Simple stretched out first one arm then the other. " Wake up, my pet ; make h«stc and wake, else we shall be too late to see the monkeys let out. " M. simple rub! Ed his eyes, looked first at his wife, then at the bed, and then all round his chamber.- "Everything Teas in its usual state; the pair of turtles cooing in the cage. i'ryame grunting at his mistress's feet, and Iviinette carelessly stretched upon her own stomach. He then pronounced, the voluptuous " Ah !" which a man utters when he feels his bosomrelieved of a heavy weight. M. Simple discovered that he had" been the victim of a frightful nightmare.