THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

Auckland Star, Volume II, Issue 523, 13 September 1871, Page 2

THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

No. XXXII. Op course I was at the meeting last night—so was Dick. Having previously attended the meeting of Saturday, I naturally expected some fun at the Mechanics', nor was I disappointed. The nssembly was one of the most brilliant character, every ratepayer being dressed in his best, while the Mayor, who occupied the chair, was a perfect bluze of glory in his scarlet gown, trimmed with ermine, and a chain of resplendent beauty encircling his fair neck. 'J lie various candidates were each accommodated with a recherche easy chair on the platform ; but several of them appeared very uncomfortable upon these gorgeous seats. Upon a small table in front of each candidate were the necessary " fixings" for refreshment, while the aroma of Sivilanos and Habanas gave one a faint ■suspicion that the candidates had been soothing their nerves with the fragrant weed, and had hurriedly shoved the butts in their pockets on entering the sacred presence of the Mayor. A band of some forty wiud instruments was stationed at the back of the platform, and Inspector Broham and two of his minions stood in the lobby, ready to remove any small boys on the shortest übtice. . From each of these minions' pockets poked out the neck of a suspicious-looking bottle, from which they were observed to take more than one pull during the proceedings, after which they universally gave vent to their feelings in aloud "hurroo!" The wind band before mentiened, having tried, not unsuccessfully, the first bar of " The Frog he would a wooing go," the Mayor rose, and, in a voice thick with emotion, opened the proceedings with grace, and immediately afterwards swallowed a curious looking compound, from a glass on the table before him, amid cries of " Go it, Philips." He then plunged boldly into the object of the meeting, lie said they were all fully aware of the reason of their assembling ; he need therefore say nothing on that head. But one thing he begged most earnestly to impress upon their minds. He was their \iayor, and as such received the paltry salary of £250a-year. Now he wanted them to pledge themselves to return no one who would not go in for at least doubling that miserable stipend. (Orie9 of "Bravo!" and " i ou're another!") Apparently satisfied with this expression of sympathy, Philips the Aoble, the Brave, and the Good, sank back upon his cushion with a smile of calm resignation, and lighting a penny "Pickwick," he regaled himself in style. The " People's Champion," not then being present, Mr. Smart was called upon, and came forward with a smile of up parent satisfaction at his own good looks and qualifications generally, (lie was greeted with cries of " How about the Farnell job?" "Go home to your district," &c.) He suid ho was glad to see them. (" Oh ! can't return the compliment," &O.) It was quite unnecessary for him to make them a speech, for his actions spoke for themselves. Had he not voted for the Mayor's salary ? had he not voted for the abolition of George Staines, who ought to be packed up in a beer-barrel, and sent away with the Chinese ? and had he not, above all, voted for himself when anything was to be got by' it?—ot course he had. But the City Council had made one big mistake—they ought to have made him Mayor. Ho would have been very u}a(\ to have done the work for half the money. It was quite true that he had formerly belonged to both the Harbour Hoard and the Highway Board, but for some unexplained reason he had got the dirty kick out —he believed it was on account of his total disregard for self. (A voice : " Hookey Walker, how about the extras ?") He was the best friend the ratepayers ever had, and he culled upon them to elect him unanimously. There was no thing low or comnuii about him —lie whs one of nature's gentlemen—at all events in his own estimation, —and, therefore, he again said let them pnfc him in, «nd he would look after himself. Bund—" Every man for himself, and devil take the hindmost."—ln answer to a number of ridiculous questions, Mr. Smart said it was 1 great rot to talk about supplying the city 'with water—they had far better get in a cheap supply of beer, —it would be much jbetter relished by tho working man. (Tremendous applause.) Besides, the ;water they had in Parnell was good enough, and that was sufficient for him. — The " People's Champion," George Staines, was here observed struggling (through the crowd towards the platform, .with his hat in one hand and a quart of " heavy" in the other, which lie had apparently been regaling himself with over at the Auckland, until disturbed by the strains of the baud. His ascent of the platform was the signal for loud cheers, which he acknowledged by polishing off the beer at a single draught, and drawing the cuff of his coat across his mouth, with signs of considerable satisfaction.—Dr. Lee then addressed the meeting, but said he'd: see them blowed before'he'd give them a speech,however he answered a number of questions very satisfactorily. He said it was-all bosh to talk about paying the Chairman; he would be quite willing to do the work for nothingV which lie could well afford, for he was rich as Croesus, and had any number of Caledonians. ( heers.) Auckland was a very healthy place naturally, but since he had been here it had very much deteriorated. He should say the particular diseases under which it laboured were gin, brandy and soda, and " heavy wet," with a considerable element of female leches. —Band : " To the Devil and shake yourself."—The People's Champion then advanced, amid loud cheers, the band playing, " See tho Conquering Hero comes," while the Mayor put on a sardonic grin, nnd the other candidates looked daggers. The Champion opened his mouth, and every time he did so something came out of it, and the large hall was filled with uu aromatic flavour of m-l-t 1-i-q-r. He said ho was George Staines, and h had iilways been a somewhat difficult point for him to decide whether he had ever had any parents or not. (Immense cheering.) He was born, however, he believed (bear, hear), in the fly-wheel of a factory machine, and that was why he was so thoroughly " fly" and "up to snuff." From this position he was pitched on to his head against a carder, and he was at once set to work, at one and tuppence a week, given him by a gentrous ancle. Here he had many ago

in at fisticuffs/vritk the factory boys, and this had put'him into training to figat their battles, which they well knew he had done ever since he had kept a mariac store shop, in which, he could tell them, were kept dainties of which many of his rivals would be^proud even to get a sniff. He had fought a good fight for them, and he fully hoped to be returned, and to be Mayor of Auckland yet. In answer to a number of questions, he said he had always considered dogs to have as much right to vote as anybody else if they paid tho licence. He appealed to Major Pardie as to whether his dog had not got a collar? (\. voice: " Hqw.' about the dinner?") The dinner was ' all right, ami would take plate immediately after the election. He hoard the iVfayor going round to tho different shops the other night, and calling for tenders for tho supply of several pounds of tripe, &c. He believed tho Council would pay -hnlf the expense of the feed, and every man fmdhis ownbeer. — The Band : " Aman's a man for a' that." —

Mr. Hobbs came forward amid considerable contusion. He said he was new to politics, but, if elected, lie would certainly endeavor to get, the market-place built as near his own. shop as possible. He was as well able to take their measures as anybody else, and,! if returned, he would invite everyone of them to pay a visit to his emporium.'■: He used "skull and cross-bone" dodges—not he. He had a few bills in his- pockets, however, which he should bo happy to at once' distribute. (So saying, this truly great man threw a shower of hand-bills into the air, which was for a few minutes darkened with " Another great insolvency—less than cost price, &c." They might depend upon getting civility, if they got nothing else, at his shop, for he was a colonial boy, and knew'how they ought-to bo treated. (Cheers.) By all means get a loan, and as he was in. an independent position he'd be very happy to lend them £50,000 without fee or reward —or even security. Mr. Cater then came forward, and after observing that if sent iDto the Council he would look after both their souls and eels, sat down again amid a hushed silence. —The Band : "My Johuny was a Shoemaker." —Mr. Kissling next came forward. He said as tho previous candidates had made them speeches, it was unnecessary for him to do so. Speechifying was all bunkum; nobody ever did what they promised at these meetings, 'and, as a lawyer, he told them so. Mr. Kissling, in answer to a number of questions, said he was agreeable to anything and everything, and if they made him Mayor he'd be very glad to do the work for twice the money. He was very proud to say he was ii trustee of I he Parnell .Board, and he could appeal to that Board whether he was not a very valuable member—in looking after his own interests.( —Cheers.) — Bund : " The Devil Among the Lawyers'' —Mr. Isaacs next came forward, and made a very sensible speech, saying that, as the new gas company had failed, ho should fuel ureat pleasure in laking up shures in a new water company. He had no desire of coining forward of his own accord — lie was dragged forward by the electors, who knew what a first-rate chap he was. Mr. Isaacs answered a number of qunstions.—The Band: " For He's a Jolly Good Fellow.' —Mr. Kirby said everybody knew him: lie sold firewood ; and if they put him in, he should certainly raise the poor man's wages. The question as to what he paid his labourers a week wus impertinent, and ho refused to answer it. If they elected him Mayor, he was somewhat in a quandary whether he would take a salary—let them elect him Major first, and he would then give his decKion on the subject after* wards. Alter answering several questions in an equally satisfactory manner, tho firewood merchant sat down, tho band playing " Mickey Free."—Vlr. Sceats was called upon, but his barman came forward and apologised on his behalf, saying that he was busily engaged in serving tsvo half-pints of beer, and could not possibly leavu so extensive a business, i hrce cheers were then given for all the canui-datt-s, and tho meeting broke up.

.Nathaniel .Beeswing,