THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

Auckland Star, Volume II, Issue 514, 2 September 1871, Page 2

THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

No. SXVIII.

As might Lave been expected, the proposed Consumers' Gas Company ha« died a premature death, or, rather, I should say, it was delivered still-born ; and though its body was ushered into_ the world with some pomp, and a considerable flourish of trumpets, the breath of life was uever breathed into it. It has, consequently, been buried as quickly as possible, greatly to the regret ot' many of its would-be friends, but to the intense delight of its parent and her surroundings. In plain words the new Gas Company has " bust up," without even making a start. At the meeting of yesterday those who had previously been most loud in their protestations of allegiance and promises of untold gold Were amoDg the first to back out of it now that the parent company has lowered the price of gas. And although they agreed that a feeling of opposition was a very good thing, they at the same time agreed that they were not going to risk their money in a hazardous speculation, and so they very wisely buttoned up their pockets. And I will venture to say that all the would be shareholders left thoroughly satisfied with what had been done, with the exception of the old man who was present at the last meeting, and who then left in joy at the anticipation of a general smash. He was again present at the meeting of yesterday, and on the motion for the adjournment sine die, he burst into tears, and drawing a belcher handkerchief from his pocket, tottered out of the building muttering, " Alas, then must I die unhappy."

It will be remembered, no doubt, that Dick was duly despatched to Eiverhcad on Thursday morning last for the purpose of furnishing a report of the proceedings to this journal. Eat it seems that, unknown either to him or myself, the proprietors engaged a special commissioner for the occasion (possibly doubtful of Dick's ability) who forwarded by pigeon, a report of the proceedings, which duly appeared in the same clay's issue. This report I need not here refer to, for it has been read throughout the length aud breadth of the land—indeed whereever the English language is spoken. On Dick's return in the evening, which he did, I am pleased to say -n a state of high glee and great sobriety, I showed him the article in question. He read it from beginning to end without stopping. He appeared amazed, " thunder - struck." "Well," said he at length, "this is mean, it's shabby, and I don't like it. And here have I, full of the importance of my responsible position, been drinking nothing but ginger beer all day long, and taking notes by the column. Its base ingratitude, that's what I call it." "But Dick," I remonstrated, "it can't be helped now ; make the best you can of it." " What!" cried he, "Do you mean to say you expect me to furnish a report after the one that lias appeared ? Not if I know it. No! perish the thought." And as he said this lie dashed his note book into the fire, where it was speedily consumed. I argued with him for some time,, but in vain. Ho said, "Was it likely he was going into the subject when all the ' gilt had been taken off his gingerbread ?' What chance would lie hare second hand ?" and so' on. I certainly would not have pressed iho matter but for the promises 1 had made my readers; but I did press it, and although the boy obstinately refused to write a single line, he during the evening gave me mucli valuable information. •Some of the facts, as he reported them to me, I shall give very briefly, in his own language. " Its all rot," began he, " to say we were jolly going down the river. I never see such a wretched party in my life. And the band of music, too, why it was an old tin whistle played in all sorls of keys at the same time." Was Stainc3 aboard ? "No he wasn't, but he sent the contents of his back yard, which wei*e scattered all over the deck of the Lady Bowen." " Was there any excitement going down ?" " I didn't see any, except that the wind blow old Fillips's (in this disrespectful way did my boy speak of His Most Gracious Worship the Mayor) hat oil' his head, and when he made a grab to save it, he knocked off, old Broham's hat, which went floating past in a most respectful manner, bobbing out and down as if to say good bye. And then Broham got red in the face, and said he'd punch his head if he wasn't the Mayor. But the Mayor asked him what he'd poison himself with, and they shook hands in quite a friendly manner, and went and liquored up. And the policemen—for there were three on 'em besides the Boss—said they thought it was mean and shabby, so they went on their own hook and had a drink too. There was a black dog on board lying down very quiet-like, except when the peelers went near him, and then he rose up and showed his teeth, which made 'em get back a bit. And Broham says, " See if he's got a collar on, and if he ain't pound him. It's perfectly disgraceful that the Government should be cheated in this way out of the revenue, especially when the police are so short of cash." " Where's your collar, dog," says Broham ? So .the dog showed his collar, which had been covered by his curly coat, and catches hold of Broham somewhere about the calf, auA I hear he's going to indict him for skienshia — whatever that means. " He's a vicious hamenal," says Corporal Hegan, taking a fresh chew of tobacco. " He's a most hawful down on the peiiico. I'll take the first hopportunity, sir, of putting him hover the side." "Do so," says Broham ; "he don't look as if he could swim. Anyhow, keep yer eye on him, and as soon as you see him without a collar put him in the kennel quietly, and give him his quietus —you understand. The dog's a nuisance." How did we land? Well, I never see such a miserable makeshift in my life ; and as for the dinner, why it wasn't no better than it ought to be. But I'm not going to tell you all about it—you only want to shove it in your " Man About Town." The Maoris rl —did they get a feed you want lo know. Kalhcr! As many spuds as they could eat outside, and without salt. Not a blessed one on 'em was allowed to come in. But they had the broken victuals divided among 'cm afterwards. There- was some swindling gents knocking about, and through looking after them poor Ternahan lost his dinner. But the others didn't—no fear. I saw Cor-

poral Hegan taking off his belt and loosening all the buttons of his waistcoat. But he went round first, though, to Deacon, and asked him if he had a license. Oh ! he's a very conscientious bobby, this chap is, I can tell you. You want to know about the speeches ! The biggest rot I ever heard. If I had been allowed to write the report, I might have dressed 'em up, and made 'em respectable ; but never mmd —a day will come. Well, most of the speechifying was done by the Maoris before the dinner, and by the white people afterwards. The chairman saidhe had expected the Governor to have been present, as hehadnot much to do, and might very well have come by the patent pneumpotic tube. Promising John ? Oh yes, he spun a twister, you can tako your davy. He commenced by saying something about somebody's coffin, and that the parliament he'd now got was the best we'd ever.had ; at least it would be when he got back to Wellington. He said the Deputy Super was a first-rate chap, and the manner in which he had used the knife and fork that day should entitle him to the esteem of all present. In replying, the Deputy Super modestly admitted mat he was a first-rate chap, but said he couldn't help it, as it was nature as had formed him. Of course the Mayor said something. He praised the dinner and the ginger beer, said how happy he was that that low fellow Htaines hadn't been invited, and again promised that when he left the Borough Council he'd give a most gorgeous spread. Here he looked at me, dad, and winked with the left-hand corner 'of the right eyebrow, but I'm sure I don't know what he meant. Johnny Sheehan then made a rattling speech, and aired his eloquence at the rate of knots. Mr. Edgar, the contractor, magnanimously proposed his "Brothers in distress," and a chap named Kirby got up and made a long rigmarole of a speech, giving his personal experiences as a large railway contractor for the last ninety years, during which time he said he had never seen railways so successfully and cheaply constructed as in this country, and he pointed at the Auckland and Drury Railway as an example. Uow far wine and eloquence would have carried him I don't know, if tho whistle of the steamer hadn't cut him short. On counting heads on board the steamer, it was found that there were two persons short, so the police were sent back to the shed, where they found a distinguished and noisy member of the Provincial Council, and an equally distiuguisheil. but less noisy, member of the Borough Council, busily occupied in draining the glasses. They hurried them on board, and we then returned to Auckland, And that's all —there was no fun of any kind; in fact, the whole thing wadevilish dull." And so ended Dick's story, which, it strikes me, would have assumed a very different aspect had he not been forestalled by the pigeons. After tea he went out in a very bad humour — to the circus, I think—and came home about eleven, equally ill-tempered. As he went into his bed-room, I heard him say that Gherkins was a humbug, and his Tommy Dodd's a swindle. Poor Dick ! He was evidently a disappointed lad.

Before concluding this paper I cannot do better than ask my numerous friends and readers if they havo seens " The Khymes without Eeason, by a Brace of Lunatics." If not, let them at once thrust their hands into their pocket, rush to the nearest bookseller, and purchase this humerous pamphlet (that is to say if there is one left, and from the rush for them this morning, this is 1 think extremely problematical) take il home to the fireside and devote the evening to a serious study of its pages. The etchings are full of points and drawn with the most sublime sense of the ludicrous, while the reading matter is racy and equally pungent. I again recommend this little brochure to the consideration ol my readers

Nathaniel Bjseswing.