LUNAR OBSERVATIONS.

Auckland Star, Volume II, Issue 483, 28 July 1871, Page 2

LUNAR OBSERVATIONS.

BY BALLOON POST. — DELATED in TBANSMIBSION. (FHOM '*TBMPLE BAB.") One bright earth-light night, a lady whose age defied conjecture, though Be* appe&rdnce wa^ of the kind described as " beautiful for ever," was sitting at her work in the window of a prettjis emi> detached villa residence in the jljQon On a stool at her feet squatted alittifoli I man, who was evidently the master of the house, and the slate of the l&dy. Suddenly the latter gate a convulsive start, and dropped her embroidery. " What in the moon's the matter with you ? " cried her anxious spouse. " Quick," she gasped, " my opera-glass. I know it—l feel it. There's one of those horrid Professors looking at me again-, the impertinent thing; and to think of your sitting there, and allotting your wifjj to be insulted before your very eyes! " " But, darling, I can't . .W " Oh I don't talk to me 1 If IVe told you once, I've told you eight-and-twenty times to make arrangements for going off at t tangent, and getting out of the way O f that detestable earth. Apart from, the horrid monotony of the thing, there's ho j a place here where I can escape from those - vulgar creatures, who havn't manneri enough to avoid staring at a lady." : " But you often stare at them, dear." " Of course I do, but that's quite differ, ent. Besides an opera glass isn't a tele, scope, and it's absurd of. you to suppose that .it is." . . " Yes, it was very stupid of me. But perhaps they stare because they're go struck with your beauty." "Struck!" she echoed, indignantly . " I'll strike them." And eager to make' an example of one of them, she threw her glance over one hemisphere till it rested on London, and at last she caught the eye of a Professor, who was busily engaged ia makiog what is called a spectacle analysig of her ; and so fiercely did ahe stare back at him, that the poor little man became a raving lunatic on the spot, and never made any more spectacle analyses. " Poor beggar !" said the other Professors. -A ~ ,-. " Serve him right," said the woman in the moon. " That makes three this month." And she made a little*,- notch on her glass, to show that she had scored him off. Somewhat mollified by her successi she began to look dbbut; partly to see if she could catch any more Professors, partly to amuse herself. Her eye was arrested by a numbeir'of extraordinary objects which were jerking about at one end of the town; but at first she could make nothing of them. She cleaned the glasses on her husband's cuffs, but it made no difference. " The nasty creatures," she exclaimed, "to huddle themselves together in" the middle of all that smoke. 1 wonder how they can live. But bless the people," she went on, as she began to distinguish them. " why can't they walk upright, and look a little less like broken-down wasps ? " " That, my dear, is the pride that apes humility ; in fact, the celebrated and muchadmired ' Grecian bend,' I heard some gentlemen in a balloon singing about it." " Grecian! Who ever saw a Greek woman make herself so ridiculous as that ? It's little more than two thousand years since you used to rave about the elegance of their dress, with its graceful folds and loose girdle. "What a memory you must have, to suppose that they strangled their waists like that ? And look at the feet of these creatures. What do they mean by stumping along on pegs instead of walking?" 'They like to make impression every where, without being fast." " Keep your stupid jokes for a less disgusting subject, and tell me if the Greek ladies used to put pegs in their sandals and tilt themselves forward.. Why, we should as soon have thought of seeing the Pyramids with a slant like the Tower of Pisa, and trotting along wrong way up. But how do these people manage to get on their boots ?" ! " Just as you get on a roof—by climb"Nonsense !" " It's a fact, and they carry two little paniers to be lifted up in, one for each boot." " Well, as you kaow so much about them," she went on, still looking through her glass, "perhaps you'll tell me why they wear those great lumps of horsehair, i or something like it, on their heads ? " " i hoy think that the chevelure must come from cheval," he answered ; but he was sorry for it the next moment, when he received a smart box on the ear. ■' Now, then, you'll be serious, and answer my question properly." " Yes, my dear, certainly," he replied, very humbly. " I'll tell you all I know about it, and I'll tell you exactly as I heard it sung by a balloon party. First come the questions :— ■ Pray why do pretty English girls, With figures straight and tall, Affect the ugly '' Grecian Bond " . J Not Grecian after all f) ..' Why do they choose such crooked ways, . . Anil only speak in gasps. And rtraw the laces of their stays Like ill-conditioned wasps. - Pray why do-pretty English giils, ■ With step so light and airy, And delicate feet so small and neat . ■ • That weU might grace a fairy— Ah.l why do they prefer to wrench Their ankles out of joint, And stump along on cribbage pegs "Which seem to have no point f i Pray why do pretty English girl*. With tresses soft and long, , And ringlots fair of golden hair i • So famed in poet's song— ■, . .Why do they think it fine to w«ar ,- -„ A thing so coarse and stale, | And place right On each woman's h»ad - » ' ...,:.A ltft-offihone's tail r .. ji \ Tho chorus, of which I don't quite remember the words, gives the obvious answers to all these questions." "And what is tbatp" " The poor things are afraid of tumbling backwards!" , " And so ?" " And so they must have tight harness and;lean well forward; and then they must -get a good firm hold of the ground ; and^ above all, they want a nice cushion of hair to save a nasty concussion of the brain ?" "■ ■. " .And why are they afraidjof tumbling backwards?" <- *

"Because they've been completely thrown of ther balance ?" "How?" | , „.. "My dear," he answered solemnly, it their votes and their Married Woman's Property Acts, and their doctresses and their progresses, and their woman's rights and wrongs concoctresses, am t enough to upset any woman's equilibrium, perhaps you'll be good enough to tell me what would." "At last you've given me a sensible answer. Bat that dosen't explain their painting their faces. Surely' they cant expect to deceive anybody b^ it, for i can see the powder from here." " Yes; they think they look blooming, but they only look blue." _ , , if ere a wild burst of melody greeted their ears, and put a stop to the conversation : ITppy ncr berloon, boys, XJDpy ncr berloon, Oli! it's awful jolly To go sailing round the moon. At the same time a dark object loomed between them and London, which they soon perceived to be a large balloon iull oj Professors, who were eating bread and and playing practical jokes, in the •ause of science, upon cats and rabbits. ~m. .• .-_ _.^c.f diseustme !" exclaimed " xoia iti viva. _ .•„„;„_ the lady. " JSTot content with pryius »- to our, domestic arrangements, they are actually coming to call without any. s,ort of introduction, sitigiiig their ribald soigs at our very door, while you sit here no1' better than a great earth calf. Are you man enough to lock the front door I " The key has been mislaid, dear, if you remember, since you threw it at me." " Then run and tell them we're not at i home." (

The little man obeyed with great alaccrity, and found the Professors in the act of disembarking from their balloon. " My wife stiyS we're not at home 1" " Oh ! we merely called to enquire what you are really made of, and what lights you use," said a Professor, as he finished his bread and cheese, and wiped his knife on a rabbit.

" Can you spare us a bit of green cheese!" asked a second, who was eating dry bread. "If the moon's a moderator lamp, where's your stand?" remarked a third, pensively. "But seriously," proceeded the first, " is it true that you burn Co-op, candles ? " "We tried them on the 6th of Janu-

ary." " The night of the eclipse I" soliloquised the learned man, who was " posted up" in almanacks. " And now tell me, once for all (and remember that what you say may be used against you), what can—" " What can you want here P " burst in the lady, running out in v passion when she saw them infringing her patent by bullying tier husband. "Oh! if you please ma'am," said the Professor; changing his tone, " we so wish to know what candles you use ?" " Wax for a fortnight and wane for a 'fortnight, she answered decisively. "Yes, of course," said the Professor, knowingly, " but whose wane P" " Charles's wane I" said she, shortly. " But which Charles P " ho stammered, quite bewildered. '" The son, of course 1" and she banged the door in their faces.

"I always told you fellows that they got their light from the sun," said the Professor, reassured; which was quite true. There was nothing more to be said, and the expedition went back home again, just about as wise as before.