THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

Auckland Star, Volume II, Issue 473, 17 July 1871, Page 2

THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.

INTo. "VTIL ; If this goes on, Mr. Editor, our bargain's off. I-really can't stand-it. I have no chance. An old man like me can't be expected to be on ths racket night and day, and so I say, if tlie weather don't change, I shall I've got cold in the head, face, eyes, nose, ni-ck, throat, legs, toes, arid every part of my body. I ca»'t stir a peg. and how can you expect me to. be picking up news when, even if I went out, I eouldn t stand for the wind and rain. Use your influence, Mr. Editor, and send a special telegram to the clerk of the weather. I'm sure it would have more weight than coming from a stranger like me. Every bone in my body aches, and not even Sniggerson's Patent Balsam does me much good. If it wasn't for that boy Dick, I don't know what would hecome of me. He is most invaluable. He talks about beginning life, and. its quite time he did something for his living. Could you, Mr. Editor, give him a job on your valuable paper ? [t would be a genteel sort of work for the boy. You'd find him an excellent hand at writing paragraphs. He'd enjoy a good accident, and wouldn't object to a murder or two. If anyone was burnt to death or drowned he'd work it up quite cheerful like. I know he would. He's good on teameeting?, too, and would .polish off the case with any of them. On Volunteer matters he could write like a book, for he's been studying this drill manual for the past week. At the theatres I know he'd be " all there " though I must say I fenr he prefers the circus. Give the boy a ofinnce, for I feel convinced he's born for something grout. If there nint anythiug i/i his line just at present, let him send you a specimen of his ability in •paragraph writing. Put a few in, and try. I'm sure they'd be contradicted the next day. This would be a good thing, as it '•' Would help to Jill the p;iper." I'm told, too, it'a the common thing here, and Diclc's hp't'inlid invention. It struck him lsst weelc th-U. kerosene was a good thing to make the kettle boil. He used about a quart. His hair is just beginning to grow again. I paid the fine at the Police- Court quite cheerfully, because it showed Dick had genius. Think of my offer. In the meantime, don't forget the telegram to old Boreas ; and if you have any of that particular Hennessey remaining, be a Christian; and let the sub. bring me round another half dozen. In the shattered state of my constitution I find it very soothing.

•What's up with Mr. Thos. Beckhatn, that he and the police can't agree ? Surely Hookey Walker and his " minion"—that's a good word, quite theatrical —had a perfect right to drink two glasses of gin if they paid for it. Wasn't it part of their duty to taste the liquor, so that they might svrear to iis character— although, mind you, I believe brandy, rum, or whiskey would have been all the .same to them, at lcnst, it would have gone the same way; and surely, the worthy magistrate didn't think they'd leave it after paying for it; if so, he didn't know them as well as the publicans, who, I am quite sure out of respect for their uniforms, would always give them good measure. " Two glasses of gin make them unfit for their duty" —so thought the magistrate. Worthy and innocent man ! but he may take my word for it, that three times the quantity would hate done them no harm. And he wouldn't convict, notwithstanding the respectable character of these two unbiassed law officers. I wonder if these " grogs" went down among the police expenses; they certainly should, for poor policemen ought not to be called upon to pay out of their own pockets the costs of such a disagreeable duty as gin-tasting. And I'm told, too, that Hookey's a teetotaller ! but his duty to the force is more to him than all else, and so he resolutely set his face against the two glasses of gin—and swallowed them without a sigh. This man should have a medal for the conscientious manner in which he does his work—indeed, I hear the publicans of this great citj, in the bars of most of whom ho has often had the disagreeable duty of "tasting" spirits imposed upon him, are about very shortly to present him with a testimonial as a token of the great appreciation in which he is held by the victuallers generally. What shape it will take is not yet decided, but there is some talk of a box of homoeopathic medicines. What an effecting thing it is to read in this morning's Herald that the Maori market has been demolished. Stern, pitiless, and unfeeling Harbour Board. And as for the old market of. a bygone day, where be your squashes, peaches, fish, and harmless swine—where your produce of this noble clime, ripening and sweetening over the Very essence of the poetic sewer—where your noisy but contented fruit merchants—where your lovely handmaiden recreant of beauty and . tobaoco, and where, oh where your scenes of love and merry-making. Gone, alas, for ever! Yes, says Dick, as I read or rather weep this last sentence over to him, " And 1 only hope they'll never return." And this is the affection that he bears for the natives of his adopted country " poor and lowly they may be, but, Sick, think of the Maori down-trodden^ and imposed upon—iis he not a man and a brotherp" " Well," says Dick, " L don't know, but if he is I wish my brother would take a back seat. Hut, on second thoughts, darn me if ill own him." And so the subjectone of great interest to me I assure you, Mr. Jiditor —was allowed to drop.

Dick wants to know who is the indiri^ dual who wanders listlessly aboutthe town, wearing a great coat, made out of a red, green, and black blanket. He says he thiukai it;must be a sort of walking advertisement. JJTot having seen the party I can't say.

Talking about advertising, that's not a bad wny of doing it adopted by Monsieur Sorrell, the French Surgeon Chiropodist, whatever that may mean. This gentleman will cut ofF your corns, bunions, toenails, toes, and oven feet, without drawing a drop of blood; and ho don't forget to let tlie people know it, for he has a wandering house constantly perambulating the streets, and Carried inside " a travelling agent." announcing the full particulars. All sorts of feet diseases will, no doubt, instantly disappear. The very advertisement ia enough to frighten every; corn and buriioii back Jc^tS ofigiMf

home. M. Sorrell's an enterprising man, and I wish him well. So the unfortunate hawkers have to pay £4, a-year. They will bless the new corporation I have no doubt. And the Council was very bard on them, one or two of the members insinuating that very often their baskets were bat a blind to some move profitable, but not so strictly honest business. What a shame ! Have none of the noble councillors ever been hawkers? 1 long to ask the question. I don't know, but I think it extremely probable. Mr. Brodie, the new Town Clerk, gives, I hear, great satisfaction to most of theCouncil, but there are one or two who still have a " down on him." One of these complains bitterly of his writing, which he alleges he cannot make out, so that when a notice paper is sent to him be can't read it. This ho considers to be a Stain upon the Council. Dick has seen the writing, and says it's a fine,-bold, gentleman-like hand. Bat fcome people are always grumbling. I am very glad to see the Fire Brigade is about to be re-oi'ganised. And not before it was required, for I have been to fires where it appeared to me that everyon'.% was hnriug his own way while the fire was having its own way, and the insurance companies and private individuals were the sufferers. But the question of pulling down houses that are not insured in order to save those that are, will give some little trouble. In the present depressed state of the market, I can let a few Tookeys go- for £50, and a few Cures for £4.

Nathaniel Beeswing