JOSH BILLINGS ON HOTE

Auckland Star, Volume II, Issue 345, 16 February 1871, Page 2

JOSH BILLINGS ON HOTE

Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes for fv vagrants, the married man's retreat B «^ „6 bachelor's fireside. ' a th<> They are kept in all sorts of ways, some the European plan, and menny of them o plan at all. Uo

A good landlord iz like a good stepmother he knows his bizness and means to do his' duty.

He knows how to rub biz hands with i when a traveller draws nigh, he knows W t smile, he knows ynre wife's father when lT waa living, and jure wife's first husband hi he don't, speak about liiir. ' lr' He kan tell whether it will ra i u to .morrow or not; he hears yure complaints with at in liia eye, he blows up the servants at v^ suggestion, and stands around reddy with shirt collar as stiff as broken china. a A man may be a good Supreme Court Judge, and at the same time be a miswiiM landlord. ° Most evrybody thinks he kan keep a hotel (and they kan), but this ackounts for tij e great number of hotels that are kept on th same principle that a Justic ov the Peac offiss is kept in the country during six day ' jury trial for killing sumboddy's yello drog A hotel wont keep itself aud keep the laiidlore too, and ever kure a traveller from th habit of profane swearing. I hay had the experiment tvied on me several times, and it alwus makes me swear wuss. It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the buzziness of hash as ministers go into the profeshun, with the very best ov motive! but the poorest kind ov prospects. I don't know ov any Dizziness more flattersum then the tavern bizziness; there don't seem to be annything to do but to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and see that the guests enter the house then yank a bell rope six or seven times, and then tell John to sho the gentle to 976, and then take four dollars and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil of a traveler and let hini went. This seems to be the whole thing (audit iz the whole tiling) in most eases. Yu will diskover the following deskripshun: a mild one, ov about 9 hotels out of 10 between the Atlantick and Pacifiek Oshunj akrost the United States in a straight line: Youre room is 13 foot of inches, by 9 foot? inches, parallelogramly. It being court week (es usual) all the good rooms are employed by the lawyers and Judges. Your room is on the uttermost floor. The carpet is ingrained —ingrained with the dusk keresone ile and ink spots of four generashuns. There iz two pegs in the room fcew hitch coats on to ; one ov them broke oph and the other pulled out and missing. The burohas three legs and one brick. The glass to the buro swings on two pivots which have lost their grip. There is one towd on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain water in the pitcher enm-oafc ov the well. The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variegated with spots. There iz three chairs, cane seeters, oneiz a rocker, and all three is busted. There is a match box, empty. Thare is no kin-tin to the window, and there don't want to be any ; you kant seeout and who kan see in ? The bell rope is cum oph about six inches this side ov the ceiling. The bed iz a modern slab bottooi, with two mattresses, one cotton and one huek, and both harder and about az thick az a sea biskit. Yu enter the bed sideways, aud tan feel every slate at once, az easy az you could the ribs of a gridiron. The bed iz inhabited. Yu sleep sorae but roll over a good deal. For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too cold to melt butter? fried potatoes which resemble the chips that a two-inch augur makes in its journey through an oat log. Bread soiled, beefstake about as thick as a blister plaster, and as tough as a hound's ear. "Table covered with plates, a few scared . to peach pickles on one ov them, aud 6 fly-en-dorsed crackers on the other. A pewterinktuia castor with three botttes id. it, one without any pepper in it; one without any mnstard, and one with two inches 0! drowned flies, and some vinegar in it. Servant girl, with hoops on, hangs arouno ye earnestly, and wants to know if you waM another cup ov coffee. , ~ Yu say, " No mum, I thank you,' and pas" back yure chair. . . Yu havu't eat enuff to pay for picking jure teeth. _ ... j Q I em about as self conseated az it win for a man to be and not crack open, om never yet consaited that I could keep a HOWM. I had rather be a highwayman than tobesm" landlords I have visited with. .. fl There are hotels that are a joy uPon. „ earth, where a man pays his bill az cheer iohj az he did the parson who married him; «>» yu kant find the landlord unless you &»"' the garden ; whare servants glide arouna ian > s angels ov mercy ; where tho beds fit » back like tho feathers on a goose, and, wn the vittles tasto thus as tho yure wife or j mother hnd fried them. .... oi Theze kind ov hotels ought to be -.W". wheels and travel around the country; are just oz full of real comfort as a tn» giving pudding, but alas ! yes, alas! tnej as unplenty as double-yolked eggs.