WIT AND HUMOUR.

Auckland Star, Volume I, Issue 199, 29 August 1870, Page 2

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A INew Paie of Kids —Twins

A train of thought was upset the other day, Not one wa3 tilled, but some preUy-eyeJ dean WCi'C loat.

A writer, speaking of a man who had been sitting in the counting-house ail day, said, '• Notwithstanding he was tired, he was tired uot-witU-standmg."

A drunken man, overnight, may have a glazed e^e; in the morning, ten to one, he will have a pain in his head.

Dow>* Hill.—A queer humorist, who has had a hard time of it, sajs, " When a man begins to go down hill he iinds everything greased for the occasion "

To SifOKEiiS.—"You look," said a friend to a pale haggard smoker, " as if you had got out ol your grave to light your cigar, and couldn't tind your v.ay back again."

Without Notes.—A city missionary was asked the cause of his poverty. "Principally," suiu he, with a twinkle of the eye, " because I have pteached so long without notes."

Shabp Pexeibatios.—"You don't love me —I know you don't," said a young married lady to her husbaud.—" I give you credit, my dear, for a keen penetration," was his consoling reply.

'' I've had a drop too much,' said Bibbins, when he fell off an omnibus. " Yes," said .Bobbins; "and it was a drop of something short." ISibbins was only five feet in his

stockings

Fobce oe Habit.—A man whoalsvaysdogeared a page of a book in order to remember a passage, invariably used to turn down a street so as to fix ifc in his memory.

Fc\r/EE lou'XEXxa of Atjxhobs.—An ancient Spanish writer asserts th^t one of the severest torments of authors in a future state is to be compelled to read their own compositions to an audience of demons.

Dos1* All spjsak At Once.—Plenty of people are ready — too ready —to ''give tongue ;" but who is prepared to come to the fore with a couple 01 spring chickens ?

If a Diati get up when the day breaks can he be said to have a whole day before him ?— If I run %fp an account with great ease, can anyone tell me how to get down again ?—lf a lady tv ns her back upon 70a have you any right to take af(f) ront;

Tbt it Ok I—Tradesmen must be having a line fciiae of its since they can afford literally to " gira their goods a.vay." We have seen in more than one shop windows elegant and valuable articles distinctly marked " For Presents.-"

Spbea^ c? '.'. nv \rcron".—A correspondent scads 't\V: •tiildtvin^ •.vhiuli h.e saw in a shop ft'indiro.-: " A b-'kets Patient Mangel for Sail, ur.-I l "ij .'o.:i. Enquyre at number—, -*— -S ri'fv, Stnnc'fa Tj?rae. A Besided Bftrgetr."'J

vtRMZ ?h;:kj:Y, x ~11 l thebes a Wat. -'Cook: •' i;{pfi3i! \-, i wishes to give warning —— " — iihliv33 (snTprisod) : " Why, what's fcho matter ? ' —Ooo'k : " The fact is, Mum, I'm going to get married." —Mistress : "Why, cook, I did not know you were engaged ! <7*"0&o& : " Whioh I ham not azactly engager! as yet, Mum; but I feels myself to tre of that 'appy disposition as I could love hany man, Mum ! "

THE Betteb Half.—lt beiag agreed at a parly of avelvo thai; a disputed question should bcsettled by the opinion of the majority, the ffis ladies expressed themselves oposite to the sis gentlemen s and claimed the victory. A gentleman objected to this, as the number of votes waa equal, saving " they were half-and-half." " True," replied a witty fair one j ' but we are the butter halves."

Stbam Taken Out of Us.—People are accustomed to «ay that any discovery whereby thuir own inventions or designs have been annulled has I; taken the wind out of their sails." This saying is appropriate enongh for the yachting eeasou ; bnt with an eya to the general state of navigation at this time of day, probably it would bo better to complain that we hare had the at«am taken otit of our cylinders.