Miscellany.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume V, Issue 518, 1 July 1881, Page 3

Miscellany.

PJRIZE ESSAY ON POLICEMEN.

[by our own printer's devil ]

Policemen is a superior class of mortals who walks slow and looks large They generally comes from the country, and is chosen cos they is eddicated up to the knocker. When they comes from the country they is very poor, but in to:7n they-soon becomes rich, and gets go i matches and chains, and rings and t': "•".:■- ; and when a policeman he walks out on a Sunday,with his young 'ooman he is up to Dick and no mistake. Policemen takes care of folks who is drunk, particular they takes care of drunk folks' money and things, so as nobody carnt steal 'em, which the folks who wi 5 ? drunk has no more trouble about 'em seeing as how they never sees their money nor things no more. Not likely rot if the policeman knows it. Policemen is called Bobbies, 'os they bobs their heads when a 'arf brick it is thrown at'em, and 'cos they never will receive bobs from anyboby. No, never ? Well, hardly ever. Inour;e not. What do you think ? Policemen is also called Peelers, 'cos they soon peels the skin off your face with their trunchings, more 'special if you happens not to be a-doing of nothink; which what is a-actin fair between man and man, and makes everybody alike. Quite so. Etsketcra. Policemen comes into the Police Court in tbemornin' fit and well, and looks as if thoy would win a race some day—not a human race, which some policemen is most inhuman monstrosities in human shape. And carnt they swear dreadful ? " Youir wusshup, the defendant was a blazin' drunk, and intoxicate 1, and spe'eh'ess, and a usin o' obscene langnidge; which he were, also sound asleep, and insensible, and knocked me down twice, and danced an Irish jig on my orosturate and lifeless body." Thou his wusshup ho s;iys to the policeman, says he, " I dosen't recognise I any marks o' violence on your person.' , ( - Which the policeman In , answers and siys, " All, your wusshiipful Lordship's rivirence, I'm Oin'sh, and'my skin hen Is like grease 1 litening. My brother Pat he lied his log knocked off at Doiinyb'rook, and it grew on again in less noi a week." And then his wusshup, lie says, " You swear all you says is true ?" And the bobby he says. " I'll swear any mortal thing." Then little Louis Lewis he conies forrard n_nd_Jie says, " You say you'll swear as all you 'aye said are true; now, will you bet that it are?" " No, bedad," and the defendant he are found 40 bob and josts ; which it serves him right for being out of his wirtuous bed as late as nine o'clock at night. Father, dear father, come home, or you'll a-ketch of it hot, I tell you. But which father he can't come home, 'cos he's been run in.and locked up by the police man. A policeman, when he is very tired doing nothink, which it is duty do so, he sees a child a-setting at his mothers's door ; and he seizes the child and he carries it to the police station, and he calls it a stray child. Then the mother she comes a-woeping and asobbin', and she thanks that good, kind ter.der-henrted, feelin , Bobby for a-kid-nappin' of her kid ; which she says, he will be rewarded hereafter. Let us hope so. Next day the child's father lie steals half-a-crown, and he offers it to that kind Christian Peeler; which he refuses to take it ; sind Sir Frederick Leighton is sent for and ordered to paint an historical picter, entitled, "Bobby refusin' the half-crown," to be placed across the roadway in front of the Sportin Times office to regerlate the traffic. And the good Christian Bobby he are made a commissioner, and lives'appy all bis days. Policemen likes cooks and cooks likes policemen, 'cos policemen protects cooks from burglars and nnospaper comps gom* hoaie in the mornin' before daylight does appear ; which it hasn't appeared for several days. Cooks give policemen cold mutton, which they tell their missusses the cat stole it ; which the missusses believe the cooks—l don't think. Policemen like strong drinks, but they never gets any scein' as how it are agen the regulations to give a Bobby anything when he are on dooty. Which the Peeler wouldn't take if a publican offered it to him—over the left. It is beautiful to see a policeman artistically a-scannin' of the graceful proportions of the Temple Bar griffin, while a boy is a-breakin' off ihe b;'oc relic's on the griffin's pedestal. It were eve thus iv diililliooiTs (-lays. s r.s !']• ye>' iikii V.iYks, audurefi't iliev mils o.s Siv'X't 'iiWko.S I In iMiiulusiun, if you \v:i.-: ■'\~> ask v< , .:. , , i wou'.u riay,—Allub, keep swcoi. vV llio 1 Press and the Police, Amen.