THE MELBOURNE EXHIBITION.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume V, Issue 472, 1 February 1881, Page 2

THE MELBOURNE EXHIBITION.

(By Garnet Walch.)

New Year's greeting—Good resolutions— Christmas recollections —An English village—Waits—A haunted house — Personal experiences—Lucus a non—A little story—Tho Professor's mistake.

*' A happy new year " to you all, my good readers, from glacier-throned New Zealand to the torrid strand of Carpentaria. May you nil make and keep any amount of New Year resolutions, forgive any number of old grudges; and, generally speaking imitate that wily animal, the serpent, in sloughing the skin of 1880 only to reveal a more gorgeous garment for 1831. For my own part, old and grizzled as I am growing (1113- eldest daughter found grey hair No. 1 last week), I am inclined to look with a sort of patriarchal air upon theso recurrent holidays. I mind me of the time, good gossip, when my Cbristmases were passed in a little snow-clad village in Kent) whither I was bornr by a real genuine four horse coach, horn-blowing guard, Christ-mas-hamper-loaded roof, genial hot-brandy-and-water drinking coachman, all complete ; and when to the sound of Christmas chimes pealing from the ivy grown tower of a church built before the Christmas era had reached its teens, I was dragged—unwillingly I must confess— : to the Christmas morning service, leaving behind me the savoury odours of Halstead House kitchen, permeating all apartments alike, with a noble dramatic disregard of the proprieties. I iv,member also, good gossip, how I invariably over-ate 1110 of that Bame Christmas dinner ; encouraged in the acl of indulgence by two maiden and two widowed aunts, all anxious to make the little Australian visitor happy, and each desirous of supplying the place of his faroff mother. Their blandishments alone were not sufficient, but I think the pudding succeeded in obliterating thoughts of distant kith and kin, while the hot elderberry wine at night certainly gave even the moonlit snow a rosy hue. Night too was the time for thosn mysterious caterwaulers tbe " waits." composed of certain robust villagers,who having partaken freely of the hospitality of several other man sions in the neighbourhood, were correspondingly void of time and tune. "Jack,'' I once heard one of these midnight carollers observe to his fellow howler, "I say, Jack, with my stomach full of beef and beer I'm dashed if I can't sing liko an adjective Robin," —whereupon they incontinently yelled forth "God rest you merry gentlemen, etc.," for tho edifieation of those whoso rest and merriment alike vanished at the sound of the awful discord—and the " wait" by tho \v>y said neither " stomach " nor'- dashed " but u?cd expressions of a stronger texture and more suited to the bucolic mind. Night, too, my good gossip, brought something else besides rusk-accompanied elderberry wine and the " waits"—lt brought a creeping sensation down my juvenile back-bone, a shuddering horror of " going to bed," increasing as the night wore on, and reaching its climax, when I found myself actually in my little chamber, and alone with the moonlight and tho consciousness of the trap-door Jfcoverhead and ihe long dark lumber closet, ruining at right angles with one end of the room. For—your ear close to mine, good gossip—now, house was haunted ! —Aye, verily b-vn V-d — : -ad no! emp-h: Mi.-i-i ■•:■.. ' ■.' . ■";' ::'"■',,))■; Lh- pipe

liot, I say, heard a long shuddering sigh ; hid In not seen a lambent flame playing round the walls ; had not Aunt Ann rushed speechlessly back one evening from her task of closing the front parlour shutters to fall back fainting into the nearest arm chair—and to refuse, —oh doubly distilled horror of her silence—to refuse ever after 'to give a name to what she had seen—and did not I myself, moi gui vous parte, did 'not I upon one memorable night, 'before returning to Denmark Hill Grammar •School, did not I distinctly feel a hard slap on my bare leg as I was springing -into bed, and turning did I not find nothing, absolutely nothing. These nnd many other incidents, still fresh I ■guarantee, in tho minds of the survivors, all prove that Halstead House was haunted —Ah! well, haunted or not, it has .passed ■from the possession of the good people then owned it, and who, whether in ■Heaven, as most of them are, or on Earth. : as some still remain—can now only think -of it with regret, as the dear old home of many many happy years.

" But what," says 'the reader, "what in 'the name of goodness has all this to do with the Exhibition, with Melbourne, with ■our bright new year?" Nothing whatever ; an' it please ye, sweet reader, but at this festive season I claim privilege. Always 'discursive, I choose to be doubly so now» •as tho pale blue riaes from my last 1880 pipe, and fades away in air, much as all •my fondest hopes, etc., etc.

By the way, have you ever heard my . story of tho New Uuinea expedition ? I •can hardly bring this random, non sequitur -of a letter to a more appropriate conclusion than by spinning the yarn. Know then, that a former friend of mine, one Professor—or, as he styled himself. Urotfessor—Holtzkopf, a short-tempered, long worded German, arrived in Sydney just when the first expedition to New Guinea , was being formed. Ho saw placards calling a meeting of citizens favorable to ; the project,; and, as he took a great; Interest in it and wished to air somo of his 'ponderous theories, he trotted on t'ho even-' ing in question to the Town Hall, where a •meeting was to be held.

Now, it so happened that instead -ofi (finding'the room devoted to the sucking explorers, he wandered upstairs and downstairs like the anserine hero of a nursery story, and finally into a chamber where a _ ■sub-committee on drainage and sewerage were debating, and examining witnesses. As innocent as an unfilled sausage-skin, •the Professor—congratulating himself on having at last found the object of his ifljarch—took a seat and listened. He hoard Alderman A expatiating on the value of the night soil as a manure ; 'Councillor B enlarging on culverts.; Councillor C dancing a verbal" fling" amongst outlets and inlets, sluice valves, gutters, stench-traps, and such like little playthings He heard a goo I deal about surface and underground drains, main and subsidiary (•ewers, levels, flushings, and so on ; but the minutes Hew by, and not one word met his ears concerning the topic wherewith he was primed to his fat lips.

Nine o'clock came and went —the quarter the half-hour, tho three-quarters—and still not a syllable of what the Professorial soul thirsted for! At last he could sit •still no longer. The evening he might Shave devoted to "bier" and "Knaster'' was gone—had been frittered away in tbe most provoking manner. He arose, towering in his wrath, fully five feet one m«d, just, as Alderman Q was in the iiniddle of a modern Cloaca Maxima, the Urofcssor burst forth with—'l Ach ! vass •fur Dummheit ist decs—You calls de. •cectezens to come und schpeak apout de .Noo Greeny Egspeedeetschens; und yen •dey comes -you dalks. und dalks, und 'dalks, yon trains and sohloosbes and •cool varts und all sooch schweinerei! I -vould yoost loike you to dell me vot in der , Teufel'siiamc has dies got to do niit de Noo Geeny Egspeedeetschens:' Potz-. yfcausend Donnervctter, Nocheinmal," and the Professor bounced out of the room-,. ,and was far, far away before the alder--■men had half recovered from their astonish-j .incnt. j Now, whenever I hear "in court, in, ,camp, in grove," any body speaking irrelevantly or very wide of the mark, 1! invariably shout in the echoing depths of, my inner consciousness " Vot der Teufel. has dees to do mit de Noo Geeny egs-j JL peedeetschens.?"—[This letter camo to dtm hand a fortnight after itstime, but " better: late than never " may be fairly applied to B- at.—Ed. A.M.-} A northern exchange publishes the, following advertisement under the heading " Caution." "On and after this date [twill not be responsible far any debts i that my wife or children may contract. Further, I warn all parties against harbouring or encouraging my cattle whatsoever.'" 'We want to know does the advertisement include his wife and children among his ■" cattle whatsoever " V The members of tho Armed Constabulary Force who were the means of .bringing Tuhi to justice have received £b each from the Government, and Sergeant M'Keown lias been promoted to the rank of first class. The £5 notes aie well enough, but the Sergeant. a a very dubious one. The autiiori;icß havr only t:i give him one more step (;r>i;b-i'!-_uec;.r..-, ■ ' .■-.'■■-■ ii'n eligible fur .ii.-: