ONE THING AND ANOTHER.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume V, Issue 450, 12 November 1880, Page 3

ONE THING AND ANOTHER.

(Collated from our Exchanges.)

A persevering "notions canvasser" walked into a lawyer's office in 'Frisco with a kind of new alarum clock. The man of quibbles was evidently interested, and heard him patiently to the end. When it came to his turn to get in a word—which in these cases is about once in two hours—he spoke muchly as in hereafter contained : —" My friend, I firmly believe that that alarum clock is worth 7dole, as you state, arid that you are foolish enough to offer it to me for ; that it will go every half hour fur sixteen months without winding up,

and wake up an elephant at every pop ; my heart tells me this is true, and I am simply aching to give you four times the price you demand ; but when I inform you that I have an infant three months old at home, afflicted with perpetual colic, and a baby going on three, who insists on having a drink ot water at regular intervals during the night, and never sleeps after four a.m., do you not think my investment in this beautiful invention which you are retailing might, in & measure, be characterised as extravagant? " That clock agent nodded, wwwrted, pWked tip lifer hat, put ttp his *larmn, and retired. " Ah, there are no longer any children in those days," exclaimed MolieVe, ns lie nveditated on the precociousness of this youngsters of his time. If the iltes- | trious French in an was so much taken aback by the old-fashioned ways of the boys and girls with whom he was brought in contact, how much greater would be 11< surprise if he were living amongst us in New Zealand. The rising generation of this colony commence cutting their eye-teeth long before they leave their cradle, and some of them can teach their parents " a thing or two" before they are big 'enough to walk alone. In a fashionable dwelling in DuneJin a loving papa had occasion to administer a reprimand to his juvenile counterpart, a lad of nine for using that naughty word "damn." The good little boy promised to give the obnoxious word a wide berth in future,' and thus averted a severe chastisement. The next day, his little sister, of. seven summers, was going through her geography lessons at school, and on being asked by the teacher to name the capital of Holland, she replied " Amster." " Why, you little dunce, that is only half the word," observed the teacher. "Oh yes, I know ; but I must not say the .rest, for pa was going to whip Charlie for saying dam," returned the dutiful li'tle girl.

A sea-captain who was asked by his wile to look at some pianos while he was in the city, with a view of buying her one, wrote home to her : —" I saw one I thought would suit you : black walnut hull, strong bulkheads, and strengthened fore and aft with iron frame sealed with white wood and maple. Rigging—Steel wire, double on the ratlines, and whipped wire on the lower stays and heavier cordage ; belaying pins of steel, and well driven home. Length of taffrail over all, 6ft lin; breadth of beam, 38in ; depth of hold, 14in. Hutches can be battened down proof against ten-year-old boys and commercial drummers, or can be clewed up on occasion, and sheeted home for a first-c'ass instrumental cyclone."

The writer of " lowa Talk " in the Argus says :—lt is not often that the shipping intelligence fumishps us food for mirth. One wonders with a smile where all the ships which are not " Al " ami " copper-bottomed " get to, since, like the American army which is cotnp.seil of nothing below colonels, the shipping list discloses no inferior vessels, but otherwise the record is dry and dull. Recently, however, under head of " Dangerous Cargoes," there was something really funny. A huge package arrived in the river which nobody dared touch, because on it was inscribed in immense letters, " Handle Gently," " Dynamite," " Cci tain Destruction." The Lord Mayor who has jurisdiction in such matters,was communicated with, and the city authorities generally congratulated themselves on their residences being a good way W. of the docks. After all it was only honey in glnss jars, which the ingenious consignor had thus labelled—" Handle geutly ns dynamite; a drop of one inch will cause certain destruction to the contents," the printing being arranged as recommended by Charles Reade, who puts the largest type where he wishes to symbolise a scream, and the very smallest type where he would indicate a whisper. The Lord Mayor; of course, could do nothing except frown (as the little judge in " Pickwick" did;, and say that the consignor had better be careful.

"Silverpen" is very severe on the Wellington ladies, [n a letter to the Auckland Herald she describes the establishment of a women's Social Science Association in Sari Francisco, and then goes on to say :—" If women would so bind themselves together all over tin world, with the end of ennobling themselves and those around them, how far preferable it would bo to the present fashion they have of visiting and backbiting their neighbors. I remember, in Wellington, when I lived there, I never saw gossip nnd cold-blooded slander carried on wholesale by any other in any part of the world where I have been as it is there by the female population, who would even take the trouble to pay a visit to people they did not know, with the sole purpose of telling some unpleasant story about an unfortunate creature who was prettier and more noticed than themselves. I really believe if they could in that particular city be induced to take up some of the scientific work, so widely patronised by American women of culture, they would add to their happiness, and be more beloved. I am so glad to have the opportunity of mentioning anything for their special benefit, hoping they may see it. This society is ably presided o\er by Mrs Stow. We have regular officers and by-laws, and we don't allow the shadow of a coat-tail on the floor," There is a curious brown earthenware jug or pitcher belonging to the ringors of Hadlcigh, Essex, bearing their names, j the date, 1715, and this inscription cut in the ware when the clay was soft: — ''If yov love me, dye not lend me, Evae ii o oi'ton, and keep mo clenly : Fill me i'vll, or not <it all ; If it be strovng, and not with small. , '

It is filled every Christmas by the landlord of the Eight Bells, when the ringers assemble for " a frolic," with strong beer, which goes by the name of " Old King William " ; and any stranger going into the room is compelled to pay 6d to keep it full, according to its own request. It holds 16 quarts. A celebrated Old Bailey barrister tells the following :—A Yankee was placed on his trial at the Old Bailey. On the first witness being called, the prisoner, with a peculiarly American accent asked, "My lord, is this man going to give evidence against me?" "Yes " was the reply. " Then f pfcad gttilty—not that I am guilty, but I wish to save his soul."

An Iri.sk agent having been instructed to raise the rents, called a meeting o? the tenants and apprised tnem of his intention. " You can afford it," said he; "see how' prices have risen." Silence was broken by an old farmer, who said, <( Yes, there is no denying that : it, used to cost £l to get an agent shot ; but now, be .labors, it can't be done under £2." The rents have not been raised. A small boy writes :—The cat which we had afore, we got Mose was yelW.nnd didn't have no ears, and not any tail too, cos they were cut off to make it go way from where it lived, for it was so ugly, so it cum to our ouse. ' One day my mother she sed wudent my father drown it, cos she knew where she cude get a nicer lukin one. So my father he put it in a bag, and a brick in the bag too, and threw it in the pond, and went to his office, my father did. But the cat busted the bag string , and when my father cum home it was lying under the sofa, but cum out to luk at him. So they hiked at one another for a long wile, and bime-by my. father said to my mother, " Wall, you're a mity poor hand to go a shoppin' fur cats. Tliis'n is a site uglier than the other one."

A scientist says—" The skulls of the African negroes are dolichoecephalic, mesocephalic, prognathous, palthrhine, and mesoseme ; while the Adainese are brachycephalic, microcephalic, mesogathous, mesorhine, and megiisome." Peruse this carefully, gentle reader, and then feel your head to see if it is so.

They were playing a game they call enchre the other evening. She held both bowers and the king, and two aces of the other suits, but she was a novice at the game. A young man who was teaching her looked at her cards and warmly exclaimed : " What a lovely hand !" She looked at him straight in the eyes and murmured, " You may have it if you want it/ . All the rest of the evening ho wondered if he was the victim of a leap-year proposal.