FUN AMONG THE UNDERTAKERS.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume V, Issue 434, 17 September 1880, Page 3

FUN AMONG THE UNDERTAKERS.

"Gloomy," did you say?" said the *'Professor," as lie pirouetted over a coffin 'lid that lay on the floor and proceeded to drive home a tnck in the lining of ahnmble casket that was lying on the bench before him. •" Why, my dear sir, we undertakers are the jolliest set of fellows in the world. You see, there is ro much variety in our business, that it keeps us continually wondering what will wme next." " But I should think," said the inquisitive roportur, " that constant association with the dead would lead you into a morbid state of mind." Oh, nonsense," explained the 'Profssor," as lie caroled forth a strain of " Nancy L'jc" and affectionately passed hia hand over the polished surface of the half-finished coffin. '-You see, when business isn't good it makes us blue ; but let two or three fresh * cases' come in, and at once you'll see how wo will brighten up. I tncan paying cases ; no ' hand medowns' wanted at this office.

" Perhaps you don't understand ? No ? Well, then, we grade o'ir cases ; a 'hand-me-down' is generally a pauper job—no money in that; next comes n. ' middlirigsizer,' which pays fairly well ; after that a'big bonanza,' which means a 150dol. casket, no end to carriages, and all the accompaniments of a first-class funeral, as we call them." Seeing the half-con-cealed shudder that agitated the reporter's frame, the man of; coffins continued, while a gtiin puiilc stole over his face : " You ought to see some of the strange customers wo have. Why, there was old Mrs M,owen, of street, who engaged ua to bring her nephew from Canada over to the receiving-vault here. She came in the next morning after the job was done, and said : ' Now, I wish yez to know that I Want to kape Martin till spring, and have yo no stuff that ye can satterate him with that will.' eep him fresh until I can have him iW-ently planted ? ' Well, we attended to the old lady's wishes, but every morning for six weeks she would poke her head in at the door and mildly inquire—' Do yez think Martin will kape, sir ?' " and the professor laughed in a dismal way that made bis listener's blood run cold. "The boys call me ' Old Mortality, , and play all 'manner of on 1113. I had a negro to hury one day, and we brought him aroun-.l here in a box, as he was to be taken to . I stepped cut n. moment. after taking off the 1M to laok at the body, and two friend* of mine in hero clapped a hideous though comical ma.-k on the face of the corpse, and screwed down the lid. I suspected nothing, and. putting the body i:i our waggon, started for the home of the deceased. O;i nriiving thcro it was nearly waylaid by a crowd of howling friends, who wanted to look ;it the. corpse. I unscrewed the lid, and the next moment I went through the window, taking sash, glass an>l all, and nevir stopped until I struck home,and I lay low for months afterward.

"I did get a scare once, though " continued " Old Mortality." in response to a further query. " I had started when a young man, in a small town where I had two rivals, aiul they cooked up a scheme to give mo a scare. I was ' called ' on c night hite for a 'case, 1 and started out. I found the house a little dingy placo on a back street, and, ringing the bell, I was ushered in by a girl who told me to go upstairs, first room to the right. A dim light was burning, and over the cot lay tho hotly covered with a sheet, with only the face exposed—that of a man. I walked to tho loot of the bed, as the limbs were drawn up, and straightened them out; but as I turned slowly around, there, right over my shoulder upright, stared the white face and glassy eyes, looking; right into mine. The next moment I had that would-be corpse by the hair, and I had the liveliest set-to I ever experienced. He was no slouch of a " subject." either, and as soon as lie saw I diu't take the joke ho struck out ; hat I got his sheet away from him, and I tell you a Turkish bath was an ice-houso compared to the way I warmed him. He was some poor devil of a fellow my rival friends had hired to put a game on me, but that fellow never wanted to play corpse again, j'ou bet. "Well, if you must go, don't you ever say we undertakers don't enjoy ourselves. Of course, when we are called to look after a friend it makes us feel baifl, but anybody wo dont know, why, pshaw ! man, it's the nicest business in the world. This weather is bad for us, though, and of late years a good many doctors have contracted the bad habit of keeping people alive for weeks and weeks when they know they must die ovontually. We read all tho death notices and keep track of all persons dangerously sick. I use;l to work for a man who carrier) n book of photographic plates of coffins, and when he met anybody who had sickness in bis family would bring out that book and endeavor to get them to look at his plates —but lie was an exceptional cose. Well, come in again ; trade is dull now. l> y tho way,'• can't I take your measure'? , ' And while the anxious inquirer bolted for the door, surfeited with horror, " Old

Molalily" ralndy lay down in an oKI I'olUn and composrd liim.selt' for a nap, droning out a few bars of. a popular song by wiiy of a lullaby.