TOTAL DEPRVITY OF FLIES.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 4, Issue 354, 9 December 1879, Page 2

TOTAL DEPRVITY OF FLIES.

Everybody will remember the .qM lady of blessed memory who expressed the conviction that total depravity was a very good doctrine, if people would only live up to it. It is evident that jthie common -house fljr is Hβ earnest believer in this doctrine, and that it liv s es up! td its faith with the utmbst zealand fidelity. The man *d6es not live who has ever discovered, .& single virtue in ; these pcswhil,e is not a vice known, to the moral code to ''which they are not recklessly and hopelessly addicted. > It is ,o,f f original sin working gut its, resujts unchecked, and no scheme of regeneration hias ever been introduced among them. The ant is industrious, the bee is skilful arid useful to man, the flea may be taught amusing tricks, spiders have, ere now, become pets, and have relieved the tedium of solitary prisoners, and even bugs and

worms have their modest merits, and at I least serve as food for nobler forms of creation, but the fly was never known to perform & meritorious aftt,. energies are devoted to making an unmitigated nuisance of himseif. Perhaps his most conspicuous trait is his colossal impudence. Albeit diminutive in size, he will outdo a wilderness of hotel clerks and railroad officials in the display of arrogance and impertinence. , ,..; He is more penetrating than love, and? stony limits cannot keep him out. No privacy "Is bo sacred that this pestilent does not make his way to its inner' depths, without offering an apology., He never waits for an invitation, but comes ■everywhere as a "dead head," .without as much as remarking "by your leave." The most enterprising and persistent of special commissioners is diffident in comparison. ~ln ..august assemblies of state he invades the seat of honor, and does not forbear to perch upon the nose of the grandest plenipotentiary, or to explore the nostrils of the prime Minister. Even Kings arid Queens are not exempt from his prying curiosity, and he will walk bodily into their royal ears, if carelessly left open, without the smallest compunction. At banquets he evades jfche most vigilant doorkeeper, and makes iiimself at home-—an unwelcome but inevitable guest. He pounces upon -the choicest .viands, takes a taste from every dish", and doe's* not scruple to use the frills and laces of the company as his napkin. He hies him to my lady's chamber, and unblushingly explores its most guardted ■ secrets. What he-does riot know about these things is not wortfy knowing, arid he pries into them from sheer depravity. Thence he ranges through all the habitations of high and 'low, and makes himself acquainted with every department of every household. He is found at every resort of fashion or of pleasure,, and is thorouuhly cosmopolitan in his tastes. Seashore arid mountain are alike to him, if he can find human beings tp, torment nad annoy.

Not only is the ; fly an -intolerable bore, through his persistent presence where he is not wanted, and his offensive familiarity, but his habits are in every way bad. As a." dead-head "he has no rival in animated nature. He keebs all manner of late hours, and utterly disregards the laws of health and decency. He loafs about bar-rooms, and partakes of free lunches without the -least sense of shame or degradation. He eats and drinks of everything that can be eaten or drunken, and always at the expense of somebody else and without the slightest show of gratitude. Filth is as attractive to him as elegance and luxury, and he has a most; repulsive habit of exploring every, accessible mass of pollution, and straightway betaking himself to the unprotected cheek of beauty or the delicious- cates of the fastidious epicure, ;. He delights in tormentingjaaan, from whose labors he derives his chief sustenance,, and will take any mean advantage to give him annoyance. If his victim has the misfortune of having to; part his hair with a towel; he will rally his forces and make the expanse of the bald head in : a regular parade ground." iHe.will pounce upon a man while he is in a. barber's chair, with his '.arms swathed beneath half-a-dozen yards ot calico, and the perilous edge of the razor at his throat, and will harry him almost to distraction. He will catch hie victim in the act of taking; or trying to take a nap, whether in the morning as a fringe to the disturbed slumbers .of the night, or after dinner as a restoration from the cares of the day* and with maddening ingenuity will keep him from the desired boon, and bring him' to. a state where he is ready to accept the council of Job's wicked wife. what are the consequences of the life oljpiquity pursued by this depraved insect7 s {s there retribution adequate to, his offenc^prepared for him either in this world or ihe world to come ? On the theological branch of this inquiry we shall not presume to offer an opinion, but we are sure that he. never comes by his full deserts here. He is idle, dissolute, gluttonous, pestifferous, and tormenting, and yet he seems to pass his life gaily, free from care and trouble, and defiant of all laws, human and divine. He even defies the law of gravitation, I and travels with equal ease, in any 1 direction, or on any surface not smeared I with some treacherous ■ stickiness. Apparently, he enjoys complete immunity from the retribution which his conduct deserves, except when h& is , entrapped through his incomparably insatiable ap- ■ petite into sloughs of poison or intricate traps from which he never escapes alive. ! We believe it is a fact that he never dies , a natural death. No one ever knew a fly to be stricken down by disease or' to linger out a painful existence under medical treatment. Fevers and headaches are to him unknown, and he breathes contagion with perfect impunity. He sometimes falls a victim to his invincible curiosity or insatiable appetite, md is scalded in tea, drowned in milk, or smothered ,in s molasses, and occasionally he is crushed or slaughtered as a penalty for his "temerity, but he never dies of sickness or old age. Barring accident or violence, the fly is pratically immortal, a perriennial nuisance, a standing example of total depravity, without, so far as we know, the eternal punishment which is its proper carollary. — New York Herald.

Some tricks in " Parlour Magic " printed, in juvenile publications are very amusing, aa well as very simple, "The Enchanted Pin," for instance. To perform this trick you take a common brass pin, such as J a man sometimes uses to fasten his shirtcollar when a rear button flies off. To satisfy your audience that the pin does not

contain a false bottom, let them have it i their hands to inspect. This will oonvinc them that there is no deception about it. Now bend the pin in two places, first, about one-third from the head, and second, the same distance from the point, so that the business end will project Again show the pin to your audience, in order to satisfy them that it is the same pin, only bent—bent on mischief. Now, place the pin en a hard-bottom chair, and when a late visitor enters, invite him to sit on the chair. The effect will be magical. If the ceiling is not more than tan feet from the floor, the probabilities are that the man Vill arise so spontaneously that hie head will make a dent in it. This innocent little trick never fails to amuse an audience, and if such anmsements received more encouragement in tbe domestic circle there would be fewer poems written, asking "Where' is my boy to-night!"