ONE THING AND ANOTHER.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 4, Issue 330, 16 September 1879, Page 3

ONE THING AND ANOTHER.

(Collated from pur Exchanges.)

Another of the'lately created magistrates has distinguished himself. ("Created "is .a * goocL-&ord£ signifying i too make .'out of , nothing.) He-was lawfullyjn.debt a few pounds to a manjif aeturer, but he liabitually postponed .p^^e'^'li;: ! ' a summons was taken but ■against-him, returnable at the local court of petty, sessions. With .ihesuminpns'ih ; hi's hand, heat once sought out his impatient creditor) and the following, 5 occurred,.-— ffis, -^orphip.— " Look; here,' youWetfer Withdraw f this ?" Ore- j -vvph't.do anything of the kind. • J7ve waited'too tang'akeady." His Wor-! shipl--".Then,' if: you go l on with it, I'll t the case/ That Would be very bad ' tasje.'' ; ;yHis W^rshipf-«' Taste be damned 1 A"m_h''must'p-oteGt.hiniself 1"— jEgles,. . ..,,., v '•;,'■■ 1 ■ "Can ybti. tell 'tojb where the wjckedboys go who ffsh'on 'Sunday?"' asked a soberlooking gentleman of a little chap who had worms and rodJ 1 r '? Yes; some of 'em goes to the river, and them as is very wicked goes to the lake. I'll show you the best place at the lake." A certain noted temperance man said to a drunken fellow—" If I were in your place I would go to the woods and hang myeelf." The answer ; was—" If yooz in my place you couldn't get there." " Yes," said a young lady who was possessed of a.fine voice, " I'm, often asked to appear in public, but——" "But what?" observed a friend. "Well," she replied, •'I should never be able to sustain my part, I am so easily decomposed." A young man, the other day, got married against the wishes of his parents, and, requesting a friend to break it to them, said, " Tell them 1 am dead, old fellow, and gently work them up to the climax." To pestilence and fire Russia now adds floods. Tho river Amoor and its tributaries in Central Asiatic Russia have overflowed their banks, and a large extent of territory, including several towns, are Wow under water. A famine, it is thought, will ensue.

:,_ Very few of-the mushroom storie o4 in genuihe. There appears to be a natural' inclination in the human breast to lie about -this delicious fungus. r The.Britishers, for instance,. have a..pal-pable-iintruth'iri circulation, about a mushroom wlu't4i forced it's way through about itwelve inches of concrete.and a layer of jasphajt jn the*. London post-office. But the transparency of the lie counteracts the density of the. concrete, and, destroys the cohesion of 'the asphalte 'most Yet mushrooms _are—kinder piercing, and that reminds.us,tljatpnetjme we built a house in Monjtereycn'a'grass plot where the boys used to get whole baskets of TmysbJrOpins. I IThe' first, rainy weather that came just lifted .that.house eight feet" off ,the ground in. one night, and the] -next mbhiihg there it stood propped up on rnush:f r'6o_dsi aiid; the grocer and butcher had. to hand their orders iri with a ten-foot pole. The, mushrooms couldn't stand the weight oi the houee ; long, of course, because it Was a three-story ;brown stone front, with 11----rpoms.and a;bath-tubi patent rangeand a grand s so itgradually. settled- down again.' In fact thero wastoomushroom in but—[This, story must stop here lest truth should suffer.—Ed.] !. '.■■■■• Says [the Wairarapa■ Standard ?—We take- r the f6llowing from a communication from:our collector in one of the sister townships, ,bo can Touch for its, originality :— I suppose you know that •; —is bankrupt, .and; will send in proof of debt. Things are getting very bad here, and no one seems to get any better. I am. sorry to say every other person you meet is out trying to :get. money, and the others are looking after them., The general cry is money ; and everyone avoids you for fear -youarea collectdr and want money. The latest exploit I had was, when talking to adebtOr in a friendly but forcible way, he thought,'perhaps, my.language was too strong for him, so he 'Up fist, and made a drive.' I bobbed, and, alas! he barked his knuckles on the adjoining building. .§o,.you see even a collector meets with dangers, but goes r on undaunted. It has been reported things were getting a little quieter, but judging from the foregoing it would not appear so." ..<■■■'■ ''^Subscriber'A wants to know "how should turkeys.be staffed ?" That depends. If you have just purloined it from a neighboring roost, and tbiuk there is any danger -of meeting anyone on your way home, the best way.is to stuff it under your coat. Prisoner, why did you follow this man and beat and kick" him so shamefully ?" " I'am;Borry, jrour Honor; I was a little drunk, and I thought, it wasmy wife." Life is but a span. Marriage is a double teanlJ : Youth wedded to old age is a tandem; •■' A cross old bachelor is single and all sulky. A Yankee auctioneer lately indulged in the following little bit of pathetic :— "Gentlemen, if my father and mother stood where, you do, and didn't buy these boots —these elegant boots—when they were going for ono dollar, I should feel it my duty as a son to tell both of 'em that they were false to themselves and false to their country." Bonnets are not worn in heathen lands, hence churches are not popular there. It requires a new spring bonnet to develop the latentj Christianity of a woman. A'father said to an old acquaintance who came tocbndole.'with him on the unmanageableness of his two sons, who had committed a burglary in the next town, and "had been sentenced to prison : " It is pretty •rough on me to have them both go to oncet, L'bui there is one thing to it—when it comes night now, you know where them boys be." ■ -'•■•■'' The Salt Lake Herald is informed that the grasshoppers in that region are attacked "by a Headry «neniy whose sting is death. On'-provo beach the "grasshoppers are dying..by.the..bushel. A little fly of a sitogbiar kind gets on the ironclad and " poisons it so that it swells and dies. The stifig j 6i the fly is certain death.