OUR CIVIL SERVICE.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 3, Issue 303, 13 June 1879, Page 2

OUR CIVIL SERVICE.

Some of the public officers of Millburg are interesting in their way. The civil service system of the village is based upon the principle that if there is any particular function that a given man is wholly unfitted to perform he should be chosen to perform it. The result is that the business of our very small government goes plunging along in the most surprising manner, with a promise that it will end some day in chaos and revolution-—of course upon & diminutive scale. A representative i man is Mr Bones,, the solitary night-watchman of the town. One of the duties cf Mr Bones is to light the street-lamps., It-is an operation which does not require; any very -extraordinary effort of the intellect; but during a part of the. summer the mind of Mr Bones did not seem to be equal to the strain placed upon it by this duty.' It was observed that whenever there were bright moonlight nights Mr Bones would iiave all the lamps burning from early in the evening until dawn, while upon the nights when there was no moon he would not light them at all, and the streets would be as dark as tar. At last people began to complain about it, and one day one of the supervisors called to see Mr Bones about it. Hβ remarked to him, " Mr Bones, people, are finding fault because you light up on moonlight nights and don't light the lamps when it is dark. I'd like you to manage the thing a little better." " It struck me as being singular, too, but I can't help it. I've got instmctions to follow the almanac, and I'm going to follow it." "Did the almanac say there'd be no moon last night?" . . "Yes, it did." " "Well, the moon was shining, though, and at its full." "I know," said Mr Bones, "and that's what gits me; How in the thunder the moon kin shine when the almanac says it won't beats me out. Perhaps there's something the matter with the moon ; got shoved off her course may be." " I guess not." " Well, its changed off somehow, and I've got to have something regular to go by. I'm going by what the almanac says ; and if the moon's going to shuffle around kinder loose and not follow the almanac, that's its look out. If the almanac says no moon, then I'm bound to light the lamps if there's millions of moons shining in the sky. Them's my orders, and I'll mind 'em." " How d'yoa know the almanac is not wrong ?" "Because I know it ain't. It was always right before." ■ " Let's look at it." " There it is. Look there, now. Don't it say full moon on the 20th ? and this yer's only the 9th, and yet it's fnil moon now." - " That's so ; and— Er—er— Less— see

Eγ—er— Mr Bones, do you know what year this almanac is for ?" " Why, 1876, of course." " No, it isn't; it's for 1866. It's ten years old." "Oh no! 1866! Well, now, it is. 1 declare! 1866! Why merciful Moses! I got the wrong one off the shelf, and I ye been depending onitforthree months! No wonder the lamps was wrong. Well, that beats everything." Then Mr Bones tore up the almanac and got one for 1876, and ever since that time the lamp-lighting department has given tolerable satisfaction. But it is as a night-watchuian that Mr Bones shines with surpassing splendor; When he first entered the service, he was very anxious to make a good impression on Colonel Coffin, the burgess and head of the village government; and the first night upon which he went on duty Colonel Coffin was awakened about half-past twelve by a furious ring at his door-bell. Hβ looked out of the window and perceived the watchman, who said, " She's all right. Nobody's broke in. I've got my eye on things. You kin depend on me." The colonel thought he was one of the most faithful watchmen he ever saw, and he returned serenely to bed. On the following night, just after twelve, there was another energetic ring at the bell; and when the burgess raised the window, the watchman said, " Your girls ain't left the windowshutters open and the house is not afire. All right as a trivet while I'm around, you bet!" "Louisa," said the colonel to his wife as he returned to his couch, "that is a splendid watchman, but I think he's the least bit too enthusiastic." A couple of nights later, when the door bell rang at half-past one, the colonel felt somewhat angry, and ho determined to stay in bed ; but the person on the step below at last began to kick against the front door, when the colonel threw up the window and exclaimed, " What do you want ?" It was the watchman, and he said, '■ " You know old Mrs Biles up the street yer? Well, I've just rung Biles ; up, and he says her rheumatism ain't no better. Thought you might want to know, so' I called. I felt kinder lonesome out here,-------too." As Colonel Coffin slammed the sash down he felt mad and murderous. The next night, however, that faithful guardian applied the toe of his boot to the front door with such energy that the colonel leaped from bed, and protruding his head from the' window said, ■ . . " I wish to gracious you'd stop kicking up this kind of fuss around here every night! What do you mean anyhow ?" " Why, I only stopped to tell you that Butterwick has two setter pups, and that I'd get you one if you wanted it. Nothing mean about that, is there ?" The colonel uttered an ejaculatory criticism upon Butterwick and the pups as he closed the window and a moment later he heard the watchman call up Smith, who lives next door, and remark to him, " They tell me it's a splendid season for bananas, Mr Smith." When Coffin heard Smith hurling objurgations about bananas and watchmen out upon the midnight air, he knew it was immoral, but he felt his heart warm toward Smith. The next time the watchman tried to get the colonel out by ringing and kicking the colonel refused to respond, and finally the watchman banged five barrels of his revolver. Then Coffin came to the window in a. rage. " You eternal idiot," he said, "if you don't stop this racket at night, I'll have you put under bonds to keep the peace." ■ l Ob, all right," replied the watchman. " I had something important to tell you ; but if you don't want to hear it, very well; I kin keep it to myself." •• Well, what is it ? Out with it!" Why, I heard to-day that the kangaroo down at the park in the city can't use one of its hind legs. Eough on the Centennial, ain't it? -..;-, ■, Then, as the colonel withdrew in a condition of awful rage, the watchman sauntered up the street to break the news to the rest of the folks. On the next night a gang of burglars broke into Coffin's and ransacked it from top to bottom, towards morning Coffin heard them j and hastily dressing himself and seizing his revolver, he proceeded down stairs. The burglars heard him coming and fled. Then the colonel sprang his rattle and summoned the neighbors. When they arrived, the colonel, in the course of conversation, made some remarks about the perfect uselessnees of night-watchman. Thereupon Mr Potts said, " I saw that fellow Bones only .an hour ago two squares about here at McGinnis's, routing McGHnnis out to tell Km that old cheese makes the best bait for catfish.'" Mr Bones was reprimanded, but he remained upon what is facetiously known as " the force." The borough cannot afford to dispense with the services ef such an orginal genius as he.— Max Adeler.