THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 3, Issue 228, 24 September 1878, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

" Drive on, my Lads !"

" Parental Advice."

" Wonders will never oease." That's it! j There is no use in dodging round the corner or otherwise trying; to circumvent the truth of the above adage. I have had this truism forced upon me latelj r in a doublebarrelled sense, and many of my friendu having seen what has happened to me have, with wonder in their tones, ejaculated—-" wonders will never cease." The first wonder to myself and others was, and is, that I have been, sober for an unwontedly long period ; but,, as de Regor jocularly remarked, ;< 'tis too good to last, and that wonder will cease/ The partner in the brace of wonders which has befallen me is that I have been thinking, and the subject of my thoughts has been railway communication between Akaroa and the Plains. What started me on my thinking expedition is the extraordinary course of action pursued by that superannuated body ' of nondescript military fossils known as the " Hupper Ouse." These "frolicsome oysters" know nothing of Banks Peninsula, except as it appears on the map, and care still less. What does it matter to these antiquated buffers if a whole district is condemned to more years of isolation ; if a harbor, which nature has planted for the use of Southern Canterbury, is left land-locked ? This district has always been treated with marked injustice from the year 1850 upwards, and the antedeluvians who rule the roast seem determined to do their miserable level best to perpetuate it. I think one short-sighted error has been made, and that is in not sending Mr Latter to Wellington with Mr Johnson. Too late, however. We can, nevertheless, agitate ; so " drive on, my lads." Oh for an eloquent advocate I "Pow'r above pow'rst 0 heavenly eloquence ! That with the strong rein of commanding words Do3t manage, guide, and master the eminence Of men's affections more than all their swords!" I had not seen my old and rollicking friend Belgian, of Moses Bay, for a considerable period, until I accidentally stumbled across him the other day at a gathering of the chieftains " on the mountain's brow." Since we had previously met, great and mighty changes had taken place in Moses Bay ; the usurping sect of G. T. had taken the iield, and vanquished Jameh Hennessy,, John de Kuyper, and' Long John, causing these gentry to " vamoose the ranche " in favor of Bohea, Trent, Van Houten and Co. Says I—" Why, "Belgian, ' mine tear,' they tell me you have deserted the juicy grape, and are heading the 'noble crusaders ' of your Bay in their onslaught on poor old swipes." " No, Jack," replied mine ancient, " not exactly that, for I have first got to put' the set of Maginnis' upon some sangaree syrup I am getting from Lawyer Raddle ; you might come over and help." '' Sanguinary stir-up, not for me, Belgian," said I, " I have got a spavin in both knees, and " " Ifou idiotic old fool," roared Belgian, "it is rum I am talking about; I have bought ten gallons from the lawyer, who gets it from a parson friend in the West Indies, and besides that there is a case of Martell's dark brandy; Well, Jack, that lot must not be wasted, so when I have done my duty by it, with some outside help, I intend to seriously consider that G. T. business. I think, do you know, that I must set an example to the Boys, for all good movements require good leaders, and I flatter myself I am good at anything I choose to undertake. Come over, Jack, like a good fellow, and with your aid the Maginnis polish will soon be put on that lot." I promised to go, and I am going for that " toothful of moist," as well as to try the truth of this— " Not drunk is he who from the floor Can rise again and drink.some more ; But drunk is he who prostrate lies, And who can neither drink nor rise." It is but seldom that I can score one against a publican ; the boot is, generally speaking, on another leg—they scote heavily against me. The perversity of human nature is strange ; I am willing to let them go on scoring, but they don't see it. During the past winter, Saddle, who keeps the Mountain pub., has gone in for a heavy course of " berlu-uda and thunder" reading in .the penny dreadful class of literature ; this, with the aid of good feeding, mixed liquors, and a disordered stomach, has fired his imagination, and as if this was not sufficient, he has been feasting on accounts of the " Bunyip " of the Australian Blacks, the Moa of this coun-. try, and the fabulous monsters of German mythology. Being in this state of mind, is it to be wondered at that Saddle was prepared to find wonders where such did not exist, or to coin monstrosities out of common-place things. To my tale, however,, and the scoring of one : —Among his other possessions, Saddle has a herd of cattle which will wander in the bush, and, as a natural consequence, require occasional hunting up. On one of these expeditions, and whilst pondering over the creations of his distorted fancy, Saddle saw an animal in the bush which put him into a cold sweat, and made his " harris ; " his first thought was bolt, but his legs refused duty; his next thought was business, and the money he might make if he could only catch and sell the horrible thing which he saw quietly grazing before him. With a great deal of. trepidation, and an inward misgiving of consequences, he approached the, to him, terrible beast, which took no notice of and allowed him to capture it. Off he then goes to a speculative storekeeper, tells him of his catch, describes it as something wonderfully terrible, and offers to sell it for five pounds. Says the Storekeep —" I'll give you twenty pounds if the iliing is as you describe it; let's go and sco it !. J ' They start. On arriving at"

the spot, the storekeep stares anfl blurts out—" Why you adjective adjective, that's Mrs M'Tavish's Angora goat, and "— " The lizard howls on the hillside high ; The kaka blooms beneath the spray ; The manuka soars in the stalwart sky, And the black pine sings on its wavy way. Oh, never he cheer}', or gloomy, or dry, The .mutton chop shrieks in the bluebottle's eye." It is somewhat arauaing to me to notice and hear of the peculiar methods adopted by our growing colonial youth for the purpose of introducing and ingratiating themselves into what Sketchley's Mrs Brown calls "Theheffecshuns of rteldmalee of the gentler sect." A very nice little lady, who believes in me, gave a party to some young and old folks, and, of course, I had to be there. Among the guests was young Lothario, the cowist, got up in his best lady-killing style, and putting "on, what he. concluded to be, all the graces of a Chesterfield. To the ladies he was al! urbanity and condescension, patronising , some with a lofty kind of air, whilst to others he put on the seductive whisper and self-satisfied smirk of egregious vanity. On excellent terms with himself was youngLothario. Among the young ladies assembled was Miss Phyllis, a comparative stranger to the company. The little hostess, with kindly intent said—" Oh, Mr Lothario, if you would like, I will introduce you to. Miss Phyllis." "No occasion whatever," was the response, " I know the lady, and she knows me," and the gentleman advanced to Miss Phyllis,-addressing her thus^—" How do Miss, I know you, how's the old folks, my father knows yours, how's yourself, you know me." The young lady, intimated that she did not have the honor of knowing him, and that he must be labouring under some delusion. Not to be daunted, Lothario persisted—" Oh, yes, you must know me, because my father knows your father so well, and my father has slept at your father's house." This did not, however, tend to make the young lady's memory bring back past remembrances, so she enquired when and under what circumstances it was that his paternal slept at her paternal's dwelling. " Why, don't you really know," was Lothario's response, " well, it was when he wont over to make the coffins for your deceased relatives." Lothario wondered at the young lady's coldness toward him after that. He forgot— "How the thing viewed appears to us, depends, 'tis true, ' Upon the color of the glass we see it through— It may be red, Or white, or green, or blue." Adiou.