THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 3, Issue 224, 10 September 1878, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

"Shent per Shent."

" Levitical Law."

I have often thought, and far oftener have I been told, that it was about time I " turned over a fresh leaf" in my career, but the trouble and difficulty has always been my fear of the leaf-turning proving to be a something for the worse. I have, however, settled the question at last; I have done the deed, and " turned the leaf " by joining the guild of St. Rapacity, who is, as everyone knows, the patron saint of the great fraternity of land sharks, in whose ranks I am at preeent serving my noviciate. It is said that " trifles light as air " sway a man for good or evil, and lead him on to his destiny; well, it was just the trifling fact of land at the Head of the Bay being charged to the Akaroa and Wainui Road Board at a rate closely approaching one hundred pounds per acre that settled my hash, and made me take to my present "collar-the-sugar" pursuits. Like Colonel. Sellers, I saw " there was money in it,", and to c man gifted as I am with unblushing effrontery, unlimited cheek, a talent for romantic falsehoods, and with the maw of a cormorant where money is concerned, I think I " struck a patch" when I folded my wings and settled down to my present avocation. I have found that the most liberal people are those who have the spending of money belonging to others, consequently I am going to work the Road Boards, and I natter myself that I will not only work, but I will bleed some of those idle spondulex which are now bringing in only six percent. " Lay me on," someone, and I will eat my boots if I do not prove my rapacious powers at more than one hundred per acre. ~ " Delightful task to rear the tender fruit, And teach the young idea how to shoot." That deputation from Bobsfather's Bay was good of its kind ; in fact, it was very good, and another good thing was that I was around to chronicle the goodness as it should be done, and not after the manner of my brother scribe who*" does " for this journal. A splendid trio was that deputation—they had cut and dried matters gloriously ; two were to do the explanatory taikee-taikee, whilst number three was to do the ornamental acquiescing, only they i had not rehearsed their parts sufficiently ;

'n fact, they could not have had a '• full dress rehearsal" at all, otherwise number three would not have put his oar in at the wrong time, and, by so doing, upset his partner's stroke and capsized the canoe. What a splendid subject for a farce, and what a farcical performance it was altogether! Just fancy three representatives of the sinew and intellect of Bobsfather's Bay deputationizing and interviewing " the collective wisdom " of Akaroa and Wainui, praying for road extension, two of them stating their case lucidly and clearly, whilst number three sits with an expression of horrified wonder upon his countenance, gasping for breath, and so completely knocked out of time that it'took some moments before he could give vent to hie objections to the proceedings of those whom he came to aid and assist. What was " the collective wisdom "to do in such a case; why, nothing better than what they did, which was to tell that deputation to " have it out outside." " Oh, my eye and Elizabeth !" didn't they " have it out outside !" Didn't I "go in lemings " of delight! Was there ever such an ending of the business of a deputation ? As the sound of discordant voices grew fainter in the distance, I thought of this sentence from Hubidras— " The air is made sweet by discord." By some wonderful absent-minded process I have, up to the • present, forgot to narrate that splendid present of game that was made by old Caton to his friend Billiards. Of course, everyone knows that high flying and quick-stepping genial genius, yclept " Old Caton," and everyone who does not ought to know kindly, though somewhat noisily, Billiards. Caton is a wonderful fellow, great at sells, with the face of a Sphyhx, so that when he is cogitating how to " have you," and whilst carrying , out the "have," you could not tell by his countenance the latent " haves" that dwell within him. The origin of the present was somewhat after this manner:— Billiards has a stomach which has a kind of hankering after the " flesh-pots of Edom," and he does not mind reminding his friends of that fact, as well as assuring them that any little trifles in the way of fish and game are decidedly acceptable. Caton has his friends too, among them being an old Bird who lias a numerous covey of young, and the oldest of these young Birds accepted an invitation to a day's shooting with hornpipe dancing Caton. The day came, and the sportsmen tackled to their work, but all that fell to their guns were two miserable little Tuis. Weary and disconsolate, the gunners returned to the abode of Caton, and, during the evening, fell to cogitating as to what they should do with their game. " I have it," says Caton, "we will make pheasants of them and send them as a present to Billiards." '_' How is that to be done," queried Bird junior. " Get me some wool, a few stones, some wrappering, and those pheasant's feathers ofE the mantelpiece," replied the astute Caton, " and I will show you." He did too, and made up a brace of pheasants packed in a parcel which would have " sold " a smarter man than Billiards, smart as he is. The parcel was duly sent next morning by a trusty messenger, who knew the contents, and delivered to Mr Billiards with Mr Caton's compliments. Billiards shouted liberally for that messenger, opened the parcel, and the heat grew tropical, whilst there was a strong smell of brimstone.

" Life's a jest, and all things show it. I thought so once, and now I know it." The peculiar kind of jealousy which our local public men seem to have of each other, and the persistent manner in which both themselves and a section of the public have of continually imputing selfish motives to disinterested actions, is to me quite disgusting, putting me often in mind of what I have read in one of those abominably printed and execrably illustrated nursery books, which in my childish days was considered the proper literary pabulum for the " young idea." By-the-bye, what a marked improvement there is in the publications now issued for the young, over the " Jack and the Giant Killer " of former } ears. In this, my first attempt to penetrate the mysteries of historical love, I remember reading, and religiously believing, the legend of "Giant Blunderbore," who cried " Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman." Now this is just the "little game" played far too often by many of us. We are continually " smelling" out that because Mr So and So advocates a certain thing, his advocacy is caused by selfish desires, forgetting that, even if our evil thoughts contain a modicum of fact what may be of benefit to one may indirectly or perhaps directly benefit the whole. This is not the worst, however. It is far worse for, say a Councillor, or a Trustist, to be continually "Fi Fo Fumming " at the actions taken by his colleagues ; to be continually " smelling the blood " of an intrigue, or a wish for personal aggrandizement; to be by inuendo, eyewinking, and head nodding, insinuating unworthy motives where such do not exist, and generally to be casting aspersions tending to be detrimental to your neighbors. All of which puts me in mind that at a recent meeting of the Borough Council a certain councillor "Fi Fo Fummed," and smelt something which did not exist re the offer of a local firm to do certain works, which works had been distinctly promised by the original Council to that firm's predecessors. For my parti like that Councillor, but I do not like " Fi Fo Fumming." Ah, me! " When men's intentions are wicked, their guilt haunts them; But when they're just, they're armed, and nothing dannt'B them. Good Bye.