THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 3, Issue 221, 30 August 1878, Page 3

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

" I'd bk a Butterfly !"

" Lofty Aspirations."

" Tho' lowly my lot and poor my "estate, I see without envy the wealthy and great,'' sings the poet, but that is not my form ; I am not a child of that kind of parentage. No, sirree everybody, there are times when my ambitious self desires to soar from the degrading depths in which I now wallow, and to expand into something more gaudy and ornamental. I have that craze on me now. I am told that next month there ■will be some vacancies in the membership of the Borough Council, and I want to be one of that body ; that's just the nature of my complaint and its diagnosis. As all . candidates are supposed to, and really should, give their qualifications, I will " dig down" for mine, although I do not expect to enumerate the half:— Ko iahi —as we say in the classics for " in the first place"—l am so stupidly ignorant that I am happy in the consciousness of that fact. Ena—l am stubbornly dogmatic. Etoru —l am egregiously egotistical, firmly believing that there is no letter in the alphabet like the capital letter I when I am the party interested. E roha — I am cantankerous, and prepared without a moment's warning to contradict anyone and everyone; to quarrel, snarl, growl, and snap over any dirty controversial bone which may be thrown into the Council Chamber. E rimo —l am prepared," without rhyme or reason," to make things lively for '' His Worship the Mayor " —to so confuse and confound that dignitary as to make him take to his " nest" for good and aye; to so mystify him by garrulity, scurrility, bounce, gas, froth, ill temper, sneers, jeers, and a studied disregard of himself and his commands that, I flatter myself and those who may " do me the honor of returning me," I will put the final polish on him. E ono —l—but I am forgetting that— " A man must serve his time to every trade save censure—critics are all ready made." Our neighbors on the plains, and, for the matter of that, many others beside them, are very fond of being what they think funny at the expense of you of Akaroa. They have numerous small jokes such as asking you if "you are awake yet," or telling you " just to put out your hand and feel about yourself so that you can determine whether you are waking, dreaming, or snoozing," and then they giggle, and you are supposed to giggle in unison, and to be immensely amused and delighted at the funniness (?) introduced at your expense. I caught one of these funnyists the other day, and I rather fancy "trumped his trick " for him. 'Twas in this wise :— I was " on the wallaby," when I chanced to fall into the company of Policies, that " big bug " in the insurance business at Christchurch. As is usual with me when Akaroa and its contemplated railway is the subject of discussion, I put in my oar, and gave my opinions freely as to the necessity of this work, and the advantage it will be to the Peninsula and Canterbury at large. "Ah," said Mr Policies, in answer to a remark of mine, " what you say about Akaroa and its capabilities may be perfectly true, but then the people are such a lethargic set, why even the animals have caught the complaint, for, upon my honor, I saw a dog lean agaiDst a fence to scratch himself. I am stating the truth." " Yes," was my rejoinder, ** I know you are speaking the truth, for I happen to know the dog. That dog is the property of my friend Bridge ; he—the dog, not Bridge—has a dislocated Bhoulder, and goes on three legs. Now, when an industrious flea commences to improve the shining hour upon him, the poor old fellow has to hop and carry his one to the nearest fence before he can indulge in the Duke of Argyle's luxury. Am I right ? " You are so," replied Policies, and I am had again." "Mr Policies," said I, " remember this saying of O'Hara's— " When the judgment's weak Prejudice is strong," My excellent friend and choice companion, Joe Bowers, has some peculiarities of his own, and Joe is far from being singular in this respect. One of Joe's pet idiosyncrasies is an inordinate love of what he calls "bargain hunting at sales by auction." Joe has had a splendid innings lately, and, knowing this, I was somewhat surprised, upon meeting with that worthy, to find him shewing a fearfully lugubrious cast of countenance, and with an appearance of sad despondency. " Why, Joe, my Ribston Pippin," I remarked, "has your tick been stopped at the pub ; is it twins, or have you been among the Chinamen's cabbages ?" " Oh, don't talk to me, Jack," was the reply, " I am sick of this world and ashamed of myself. Tell you what it is, Jack, just put me down A double S in big capital letters, for that is just me and my description." " Cheer up, Sam, let's pour some ' sperrits' down," said I as a solacer,"' out with your agony, Joe, and let me try to ' minister to a mind diseased;' confide in.me, mine ancient." " Mine's Hooper's beer, Jack," signed poor Joe ; " well, I suppose I must tell you all about it. I've been to an adjective auction, and was idiotic enough to be blarneyed into bidding for and purchasing a washing machine. Thought I had done a nipping stroke. Went home, told the sharer of my hearth and home, and she was delighted. Says she—' You dear old Joe, how kind of you to think of me like that; bless you, Joseph I It will be nice amusement for you, Joey dear, to turn the handle of an evening, and it will give me more of your company and the publicans less. You are a duck, Joe, and so you are.' And so 6he ■went on, Jack! Now, if ever I turn that handle and grind dirty linen may I " Hold on, Joe," said I, " say nothing rash, break a wheel, paint it up afresh, and auctionize it again." " Jack," vociferated Joe, "you are the right bower and ace of trumps, I'll do the deed. Me perform the 'Mantalini trick,' oh, no, not 'whilst memory holds her seat' in my cranium." " Joe," remarked I, when parting from him, " remember the Scotch proverb " — " When twa troubles dae ye distress, 0' the the twa troubles choose ye the less." A wonderfully good and persistently persevering represeniative is " the people's William." You of the County of Akarca should bless your lucky stars, and think 3'ourselves honored by having so energetic a man to represent you in the Parliament of the colony. Splice my main brace with a " Liverpool button," if he has not done more than he promised in the matter of the Lakes and Railway scheme. He has just, in my opinion, laid himself out to tootle that Bill through Parliament, and if there is any error or miscarriage of the

same, bet your boots it Avill not be through any neglect or forgetfulness oh his part. Talk about " taking time by the forelock," why " the people's William " has improved upon that rusty aphorism. Instead of following in the usual track of politicians, which is blatherskite a lot before commencing to act, he eschewed " wordy warfare," introduced the' Bill on the first possible opportunity, got it through its different readings, and through committee, and it now has only to pass the ordeal of the Upper House. " Bully for you ! " " people's William," say I. May you long continue in your present honorable career, and may Akaroa long command your services. May -I want to be a trustist and a railwayist, as well as a Borough Councillorisfc, qualifications as above, with a few others added. I mean to try and upset the Joblin apple cart, that is if it is not made worth my while monetarily to do otherwise. I think I can prove my undoubted superiority in being able to disagree with everybody, and for cavilling, quirking, and mare's nesting, I will back myself against the "honorable gentleman on the opposite side " or " any oder man." Now, gentle, readers, isn't this very like a description of oh, say myself ?— " A man so various, that he seemed to be Not one, but all mankind's epitome ; Stiff in opinions, alway in the wrong,_ Was everything by turns, and nothing ]on S> But in the course of one revolving moon Was chemist, fiddler, statesman, and buffoon." Bye Bye.