SMITH'S STEER.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 3, Issue 210, 23 July 1878, Page 3

SMITH'S STEER.

(From the San Francisco Chronicle)

If it were not 'that the fact of the inTention by Edison of "the phonograph at ;all makes any possible application of it capable of credence, the following facts, gleaned by a reporter of the Chronicle, might well be considered beyond the Abounds of belief:—

Alex. Cranston, an experienced ■elec-

trician of this city, residing at 879 Mission street, was a personal acquaintance of Edison's, and even before the

public declaration of the invention, Edison had written Cranston of his assured success, and explained to him

the eminently simple plan of the phonograph, and the manner of making and duplicating and preserving the tin-foil matrices. Among, the fairy-like possibilities of the machine, one inestimably valuable one was providentially suggested to Cranston that will be almost as much an astounding surprise to Edison as the phonograph itself was to Cranston. The latter gentleman is well known in this city, not alone as a scientific electrician, but also as an energetic philanthropist. His charity has trended particularly to the relief of the deaf and dumb, because his little nephew, Alex. J. Cranston, son of Ids brother John, a remarkably intelligent and interesting lad, was born deaf and dumb. Mr Cranston, on one,

of the few pleasant days of last winter, was taking his favorite walk over the «*£gree"n hills of Soulh San Francisco, "thinking , , of,, the - almost supernatural

wonders of his friend's new invention, "wheh some godlike inspiration brought

hhn to as sudden a halt as sif he had

been hit by an earthquake. " Why not liave a mechauical diaphragm. An E6tisoiTptr6&dgf&pn7pfaTieton diaphragm and thorax for the naturally dumb, that shall ..make them talk as glibly as,a woman -with her tongue hung in the middle ? This can be done. My dear little Johnny, my beloved and unfortunate nephew, shall speak as others speak. I shall construct a thin silver miniature

■tube, to be inserted in his siatural •diaphragm, and in it I shall have placed ■prepared matrices suitable for all possible occasions. There shall be a variety •of friendly salutes; quite a little fund of light conversation for the little girls, or even the big ones, some carefully selected, harmless profanity—for there are moments When the human soul nrast swear or burst—the Lord's prayer for nights, a small repertory of Dr. Watt's hymns .for Sundays, the multiplication table, and then, as solid wisdom, some of Mr Kckering's.'Bmallei , editorials replies 'to letters from the people." For days and weeks Mr Cranston, -studied and worked and experimented. At last both the silver tube and ■the matrices were complete, and it only remained to testthe efficacy .of the adapta-, tion on some diaphragm less valuable' .than the human one, for Cranston did not: care about spoiling Johnny for an; •experiment. To effect this experiments was.really a severer strain upon his ab- i normally developed inventive powers than the original invention itself. The invention contemplates an infinitesimal silver wire to be looped over the

•tongue, Which touches a hair-spring in the obverse end of the patern diaphragm, that in turn starts a crank so small as to be barely perceptible to the naked eye, after which the process is exactly as in the Edison phonograph. But the tongue

-would be required to give a circular .motion, and as this instruction couldn't be imparted to the brute breast on which Mr Cranston wanted to make the first essay he was a little at a loss to •know how to apply the power. Thinking over this, he last Tuesday again, wandered over the hills of South San Francisco. Sitting down on the velvety •sward he watched a few gentle Spanish cattle browsing the succulent herbage and innocently enriching their loins for the butcher. His attention was particularly attracted, even as he was preparing another matrix for little Jonny's patent diaphragm, to a particularly : vivacious brindle steer that he knew belonged to Hiram Smith, the wellknown drover, and the same man that owned the vicious dog. " Powers above," half-muttered Cranston, as he watched its unusually long and prehensile tail first take two or three turns in the air and then whip a fly off either of its flanks with the dexterity of the blacksnake of a mountain teamster. " Merciful Providence, what elegant power to "turn the crank of my patent diaphragm. Holy jumping • . Smith and his dog to the pit of and ." This sudden conversational

detour was caused by a sudden stinging pain in the shoulder and the instant knowledge that Hiram Smith's dog had circumvented ■him..- Rising swiftly to his feet, fairly aflame with wrath, he hurled a cobble so swiftly,, fiercely and surely that it hit the cur immediately behind the left ear and stretched him in the throes of death before Me had lor five seconds enjoyed his last furtive bite of the patent diaphragm. "Byjove" soliloquized Cranston, looking suspiciously around to see that his crime had not been witnessed, " I'm partly even on that old Smith, but I'll make it fully square this night, I'll ram this ■diaphrametic phonograph down the esophagus of Hiram Smith's steer this blessed night, and there will be to-morrow morning either another death in Hiram Smith's family or a talking bull, and I dom't -care which."

At zmcmight of that day Cranston, disguised in a cavalryman's overcoat, with a patent diaphragm in his pocket, a 12 dol. silk umbrella under his arm and a bull's-eye lantern in his hand, watched -around the Butchertown hills, interviewing the slumbering cattle ;in search of Hiram Smith's brindle steer. He fotmd it. He had in his youth been accustomed to assist a veterinary surgeon in the insertion of boluses into the gullets of invalid quadrupeds, and the experience then acquired stood him in excellent stead now. He gently pulled tshe intellectual head of the Spanish steer, dreaming deliciously of green fields and pastures new, into a line with its neck, softly opened its gramniverous mouth, inserted the patent diaphragm, and then, with one resolute motion, pushed it into the interior of the brindle steer the exact length of a 12 dol. umbrella. How the loop was attached has not yet been explained. The next morning Hiram Smith, who had wakened early in a condition of extreme thirst, probably from ;' having neglected to drink sufficiently the night before, hastened over the hill to the corner grocery to repair the error with a brace or so of cocktails. Having got his inwards nicely lubricated, he went back homewards for his breakfast by way of the fields, to see how his brindle steer was making it. That quadruped had just arisen, and after a hasty toilet was settling down to the day's business of grazing. " Hello, Brindle," said Smith, addressing his steer. " Vhy you're fatting up nicely, aint' ytm?" Just then the first early morning fly took a nip at.the steer's fore-quarters, and preparatory to skillfully knocking it dead, the steer started to shake out its pliant tailj of the flexibility of which it was justly proud, and which it did not useon every occasion. The steer was -even more startled than Mr Smith to hear a flute-like voice say, " Boss, how does she head this morning, anyway ?"

Smith and the steer both looked vainly around for the other man, and Smith muttered :— "That's awful curis." The steer wiped a fly off his nigh horn. " Say, soldier, don't you want to buy a dorg ?'" v Now," said Smith, " this must be Hie tramp that killed Ponto, but where is he ? Hanged if it don't sound as if he was inside the brindle." Here the limber tail took a swinging crack at a hovering gadfly. " This was a pretty tart old winter we had. Hope the Grangers have got enough lush this season," " Mother of Moses ! " said Hiram Smith, with blanching face. " Holy Samt Jackstones! The steer is possessed by a devil." The brindle beef, on the other hand, had got over much of its surprise, and being an animal of unusually quick intelligence, it had already evolved the truth that its tail was intimately connected with this new God-like gift of free speech. To test it it immediately commenced swinging that member around like a boy twirls a sling. It hadn't as yet got-a correct idea of punctuation, and the way it ground out little Johnny's daily repertory was slightly confusing :—" It looks a little like rain don't you think—everlasting—that dog of Smith's I see Lizzie is again after Tilton two fours are eight seven sevens are forty-nine twelve twelves are one hundred and forty be virtuous and you will be unique what do you think of Kearney " ' -..■■

" God have mercy on my soul! " said the trembling Hiram Smith, making a break for the nearest fence.

"an honest man's the noblest work of God " —the tickled brindle with the circulating tail was in hot pursuit; Smith and his dog to the pit of — and there's a land that is fairer than day, and by faith we can see it afar, and the father's curse on Smith's curs "

" Help, fire, murder, police, help ! " shouted the almost breathless Smith, straining every nerve to get away from the bewitched animal.

With mischievous head down and tail swinging like a vaquero's lariat, the quadruped rapidly lessened the distance.

—" I think I'll go seethe Red Stock. —Now I lay me down to sleep—if I should die before I wake— ■"

" Amen! " gasped the bounding Smith.

" —Good morning, uncle ; are you well ? How's aunty ? Oh, yes ! we'll gather by the river ; the beautiful, the beautiful river—"

Smith had just reached the fence, and the steer had just reached Smith. Smith prepared to leap, and the steer prepared to assist him. Smith stooped, the steer inserted his liorns just under Mr Smith's body, and Mr Smith bounded thirty feet in the air if he did an inch.

" —Oh, yes! -we'll gather by the

river that flows by the throne of—" There was a snap. The steer had strained himself. The silver wire was broken.

Smith came tumbling in, head over heels, on his frightened wife. "Mrs Smith—Amanda—for God's sake, quick —the ferandle steer is talking just like a man, swearing like a pirate, singing psalms, and " Mrs Smith took a searching look at her wild-eyed, shaking husband, brushed quickly past him, and called to two powerful young apprentice butchers in the back yard, "Here, you Tom,and Joe, come quick! Hiram has 'em again. He's tuck bad this time, sure—says the brindle steer is talking."

"When the next day Alex. Cranston read in the Chronicle " Hiram Smith, the well known cattle-drover of South San Francisco, was yesterday committed to the Napa Asylum, his curious insanity (the result of the too free use of spirituous liquors) being that a brindle steer of his herd talks like a human being and curses him and his dog, and repeats the multiplication table." The inventor laughed a demoniac laugh, looked at his still bandaged leg, and softly chuckled " I builded better than I knew."

The result to the brindle was still more deplorable. It appeared to have gone insane also. It neglected to browse, and stood all day-with its mouth open, bawling and swinging its tail like a windmill. Said the apprentice Tom to Mrs Smith that night: "Well, if the brindle don't talk I never saw a brute try so hard to a tail unfold." The next day it was the same, and the next, and the evening of the third he was slain, that he might not lose any more flesh. The silver tube was overlooked among the entrails, and the beef was sold to a cheap, restaurant, and as the mightyjawed miners wrestle with a tenderloin cut from down near the knee they say that it is tougher than any yard they ever heard about any horned cattle in their lives.