JOSH BILLINGS' ANIMAL LORE.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 198, 11 June 1878, Page 3

JOSH BILLINGS' ANIMAL LORE.

THE MONKEY,

Monkeys iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a biled down dew-drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skye terrier in the bild ov hiz featuiee, and skratches hiz head az natural as the school-boy. They are sumtimes kept azpets, butifennyboddy should pet me with a monkey, i should, send him right back bi the same person who brought him. THE THOUGHTFUL FOX. The fox is a literary bird ; he waz a genius long before akedemick honours flourished ; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer and Herodotus ; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate supply ov politikal honesty. If another fox in hiz parish Wants a good phatt goose he will work hard tew git him the goose; and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs of the goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him, with a smile in hiz eye, " that everything iz lovely, and the goose hangs hi."

THE NATRAL HORNET. The hornet hiz a red-hot child ov natur of sudden impreshuns, and a sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and neves argy a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly, arid are az certain an az anxious tew hit az a mule iz. Hornets bild their nests wherever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to move ; for what good is it tew murder 99 hornets, and have the one hundred one hit yo with hiz javelin ? I kant tell you jist tew a day how long a hornet kan five, but 1 kno from * experience that every bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else who iz mad all the time, and stings : every good chance he kan git, generally I outlives all ov his nabors. | THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH. The cockroach iz one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. The cockroach iz born on the fust of May and the fust ov November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days form date. They are bora four from each egg, and con- j sequently they are all twins ; there iz j no sich thing in the annals ov natur az j a single cockroach. Their food seems to consist not so mutch ov what they eat az wat they kan git into ; and often finding them ded in tlie soup, at mi boarding house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun that the cockroach kant swim, but that he can float for a long time. THE UNIVERSAL SWINE. The swine (almost always) hay four legs, tho thare iz sum remarkable exceptshuns to this rule. Swine are good quiet boarders ; they alwus eat what iz sot before them, and don't ask enny phoolish questions. The Swine kan be larnt a great menny amusing things, sich az highsting the front gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to get into the cornfield ; but it iz dreadful hard work for them tew find the same hole tew get out at, espcshily if yu are in a hurry to hay them. This haz never bin fully explained, but speaks vpllums for the swine. Swine kan all root well ; a swine that kant root well iz a poor job. THE BELLICOSE GOAT. The goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage barrell than cum honestly bi a peck of oats. They strike from the hed insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a bumblebee iz. They are faithful kritters in the hour ov adversity, and will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb evrything but. a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt goat would- be a literary curiosity, THE MELODIUS CAT. Tire cat hath bin called a domestik animile, but i never could tell whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one ; they are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning you will find him alongside ov the kitchen stove, redely tew be stepped on. Thare iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very reasonable ; r a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats sire very plenty in this world just now. I counted 18 from ,mi boarding house windo one moon lite . jiite last summer ; and it want the best kind ov a nite for cats neither. THE BRINY CODFISH. The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for tlieir being so salt. \ They are good eating for a wet day ; they are better than an uinbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want freshning a. good deal afterwards. If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage tew make the other two meals out of cold water. THE FREQUENT FLY. The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a frendly one. How they get born i don't kno, but i hay thought they didn't wait tew be born, but just come as they am. Menny of them are cut oph in the flower of their youth and usefulness. ! Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a watery grave, bi' getting drowned in milk-cans. Flys morally considered are like other human beings ; they wont light «n a good helthy spot in a man, not if they kan find a place that iz a little raw. I believe they are ov temperate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, i never saw a fly the wuss lor liquor, but i hay often seen liquor that waz a good deal the wuss lor flys. THE KEADDY ROOSTER Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having' no suitable shoulder tew strike from, they strike from tho heel. When a rooster gits whipped the hens all march off with the other rooster, if he aint haff so big, ov so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny household work ; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun to a yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting ; and once in a while they find a worm, which, they make a grate fuss over, calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat, them, but jist az the hens git thare this elegant cuss bends over and gobbles up the worm,.