THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 194, 28 May 1878, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

"I Remember, I Remember, how"—

" Nothing more."

Yes, I do remember the energy and agility shown by "liia Worship'the Mayor" , in connection with the proposed making of a line of road, suitable for wheeled traffic, from Akaroa to the lighthouse site on the north head. I have a vivid recollection of the assiduity with which " his Worship " interviewed landowners whose properties were contiguous to, or likely to be crossed' byj the proposed route. I remember, also, the *' many and divers reasons " adduced why such a road was/jreqiuretdy the arguments and illustrations used to prove that truism, the trouble taken to explain this, and more, to the acre holders, the indefatigable button-holing and persuasive perspirings expended npon the *|aidr *• holders and ownera of dirty soil "for the purpose of getting their signatures to a document, praying for the making of such road, and prouiising.on their part to perform certain acts toward the due carrying out of thework ; alt this,.l reiterate, " I remember," but — " nothing more." Now, " Yer :Wurtahip ? " is this, to be a case of"."the child with a new.toy?" Has the ."new broom," which swept clean to • commencewith, been already discarded? SUrely your Worship is not going back on that scheme and playing off on to something else ! "It will never do to give it up .so," Massa Brown (Green), it will never do to —cry a go so soon in the game. Akaroa wants that line of road " badly and muchly;" then, " ay ye plaze, yer Wurraship," start the waggojj again, and " we'll all take a ride " in dde time and season. Take Turpin's cry for your motto, Mr W.—"Hurrah for the road." " Perseverance, dear my lord Keeps honor bright. To have done is to hang Quite of fashion." " Ah!" repeated Mrs Gamp, " Ah dear t When Gamp was summoned to his long; home, and I see him a lying in Guy's Hospital with a penny piece on each eyelid, and his. wooden leg under his left arm, I thought I should have fainted away. But I bore up." And so did a municipal "Sairey" when the idea struck her that perhaps such a vulgar every-day person as a common-place auditor might Be so "dispoged" as to covet the honors of councillordom. "Which right youaairr r Sairey," to keep that Council select, or at all events do your "level beat" to keepup its present character for social amenities, courteous civilities, and large-lleart-edness in the matter of bearing and forbearing with the little weaknesses and failings of your fellows. The introduction of such an outsider as an ambitious auditor might go far to upset the beautiful unanimity which now prevails; the "concord of sweet sounds '* which permeates the atmosphere of the Council Chamber, when the " collective wisdom" is assembled, might be rudely assailed if a '.' rank barbarian" were aHowed to ** mingle in the wordy fray." I know that some"; , .people may say of you " Sairey;" the same: words that you uttered on a memorable occasion, but don't mind them, deary; stick up for your own words, which .were — ." Mr Chuffey, Betsy, is weak 'in- his mindExcuge me if I wakes remark, that he may neither be. so weak as people thinks,, nor people may not think he is so weak as they pretends, and what.l knows, I knows; and what you don't, you don't ; so do not ask me| Betsy." The "imperence " of some people is dreadful to contemplate. ''.You will be wanting to make a.councillor of him nest." Ah" "Sairey," with Addison you can say— "'Tis not my talent to v ' conceal my thoughts, ■ .' Or carry smile 3 and sunshine in my face,. When discontent sits heavy at my heart. The subject was brought up somewhat after this manner:— Myself and Cicero, i one of the great guns in municipal oratory,, were doing the beacii while conversing on borough matters, when whomshpuld we see in the distance but Nobblers the jocund. " Ah," said - Cicero. " there's old Nobblers,. he's had a lot to say about the Council j wanted to get in. too, but didn't; growled about different things ; but, anyway, Jack,, we licked him on his urinal." . " Merciful powers,"! gasped, "is that a literal fact ?"" "See here, Jack," angrily retorted my friend, " sling it; I don't know what you mean by your bitter ale act, and it you jeer at me with your Methusalem lingo, I'll puf a hump and a polish on that ugly mug of yours." And then Ciaero threw - ' himself into a gladiatorial attitude, beside making "a few. mesmeric passes in my vicinity. '"Why," said I, when* I had somewhat recovered, from the. state of astonishment into which Cicero's strange conduct had thrown me, " where are you driving your bullock team to .now? I merely asked you if what you said wastrue! Did you lick old Nobblers in theway you stated ? Hang it, a cat may look at a king 'without his getting rusty,'" " Jack." was the rejoinder, " do I look iiko a liar ? No, very well, I repeat we licked old Nobblers on his urinal,, and if I was sure you were poking fun at me, as. you are rather too fond of doing, why I'am blowedif I wouldn't lick you in another and teetotally different way, I would so.": What could I : do after that but "tvh'at I did, and that;was—try my. best Shy. solt words, together with a judicious shout) to mollify the anger which I ha 3 iimocenlly evoked. I left Cicero's company as f spoii as I possibly could, with a kind of unsatisfied feeling that still keeps me company. No doubt it is— "• . " . ■ " Better to sink beneath the shock Than moulder piecemeal on-the rock !" Scientific geniuses, and ■ aspiring ■Wouldbe geniuses of science, appear to take a malicious delight in using inebmprehensible terms, and a barbaric jargon, when writing or speaking of their: researches. Now, -there is everyone's friend, arid his own universal enemy, the Illustrious Professor, as a case in point. In his everyday conversation, ho one is more lucid, clear, and brilliant than is the Professor, but start him on chemicals, and I will defy aiiy man to understand .him— not even his military secretary—in faot, I have grave doubts if he does not very often befog, and lose himself among the subtleties that he endeavours to weave around others. On this hypothesis alone, can I comprehend the Professor's latest—

except the wcteiy rigmarole—literary production, which I copy verbatim et literatim, (N.B.—The foregoing was not cribbed from either a Doctor or* Gardiner's latin die.) from the advertising columns of the Mail. Here it is: " Lives Mixture— The recent hot north-west weather is tryr ing to most constitutions. The Proprietor is possessed of an invaluable remedy for the above trying disorders;" " Glorious Apollo, from on .high behold us 1" Does'nt that" bate Banagher, and didn't Banagher bate" Mepbistophles? Who can penetrate the depths'of meaning hidden in the vague cabalieins of that simple advertisement? What profundity jof thought are here displayed in throwing a veil of mysticism around the trying disorders ?" I will pledge my old boots if it wouldn't be " trying to most constitutions," even with the aid " of an invaluable remedy," to discover what " trying disorders " the " man of pills and potions" is slinging the " invaluable " at. Oh, St. Hanky Panky ! the Professor has joined the ranks of your devotees; he has come the "presto change " over the English language so remarkably strong, that "confusion worse confounded " is raised to the superlative degree by him. Ah, Professor, as we used to say in Alma Mater, over an empty decanter, Hiatus valde deflendus, " a deficiency much to be regretted" exists somewhere. I do wonder— " And still the wonder grows, That one small head can carry all he knows." So long.