THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 186, 30 April 1878, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG

"Gorge! Guzzle! Gkowl!" " The Three (dis) Graces." If there is one mean trait in people'scharacters more than ano.ther that " riles me," it is the detestably «degrading exhibitions which I so often see shown at sales by auction. A free lunch, witta unlimited •' swizzle, " brings together a heterogeneous assortment of '• meanskunks," whose only object is to " gorge and guzzle" at the expense of the selleiy and to diversify this performance by endeavouring—as a species of thank offering,. I suppose—to the utmost of their power to growl at, and try to depreciate in value, the goods of the man whose provender and liquor they have been so gluttonously stowing away on the cheap. We know— don't we, C. W. B. ?—a few parties who assiduously practice this swinish business—who regularly attend sales, but not to buy ; who are loud-mouthed and energetic in decrying what the auctioneer is endeavouring to do his best by for his principal ' T who stuff to repletion like a snake, but, unlike that reptile, do not clear and coil when they have taken in their dray load. Yes, we know them, and the readers of the Mail may rest assured that Jack— mj T mother's son—hasn't done with them, if the kind of performances are repeated which have been gone through in the past. This kind of Augean stable"—classical,, without interpretation, my dear Councillor Smackearly — wants " holystoning and swabbing," and splice someone else's main brace, with a marlinspike thrown in, if I don't do it. Now for an incantation :— " 0, ye powers I that search The heart of man, and weigh his inmost thoughts! If I've done amiss, impute it not: The best may err." -..' "j I remember telling an anecdote, in one of these " swag " papers, of a small boy who transacted a mercantile piece of business, by which he sold some fish belonging to another small boy, and also " sold" the guilelessly unsuspecting purchaser—a decided piece of double-dealing which I cannot advise the young or old to make an every-day practice 'of, but which has been out-jookied by n little bit of smart practice that recently occurred ; and I am right in for giving '• a full, true, and k'rect account" ot the fishy transaction: — A select party of distinguished foreigners, • under the chaperonage of that eminent piscatorialist and renowned nautical authority The Pkofessor, engaged that leviathan plougherof the deep the "Myonlydear," , for a deep sea fishing expedition. Fortune, aided by the profound know ledge and skill, favored tho most illustrious of the ■ party to the extent of capturing two monstrous specimens of the hapuka family. As the illustrious foreign : party in question did not require the fish he had caught, ho generously presented them to the Captain and Crew.of the ship, with liis compliments, and the 0. and C. . thankfully acceptedthe gift. Arriving at Akaroa, the iish were landed on the jetty,' and left there while the, C. and C. steamed away to moor their shi|\ It so happened that O'Moki, the fisherman, strolled on to the wharf ; espying the fish, he went for ■ them, lugged them off, sold them, pocketed the mopuses, and quietly left the scene. One must draw a line somewhere, 1 draw it at the language used by that Captain and Crew when they camo on shore and found out the fishiness of O'Moki. "An honest soul is like a ship at sea, That sleeps at anchor on the ocean's calm ; But when it rages, and the wind blows high, She cuts her way with skill and majesty." I was lately seized with a-peculiar craze. An hallucination, born, I am-afraid, of bad whisky, tempted me ,to "wish myself a territorial magnate, and while the lunatic fit was on me I started, with my bosom friend De Regor, to take stock of a mansion and grounds rejoicing in a jaw-break-ing Maori pseudonym. I may at once state that I did not purchase the estate for two very good reasons —the first was, the proprietor did not appear to like my and my friend's appearance—seemed to act as if he thought tho family plate, as well as the grog and prog, wasn't safe 'as long as we were there; and, secondly, declined, with a grimace, to take my paper, and said-—cash (which wasn't mine) was his form. However, if I did. not• buy the estate, I got a wrinkle by ; my visit, and here it is:—During oarpreiegrinations over the mansion I discovered a partition,. the scrim, of which it was composed* being papered over with acts of the General Assembly. " Hullo; De Regor," I i observed, '' what in the name of Saint Bombastus is tho meaning of this?" "Well, Jack," was the quiet rejoinder, "you are a chunk, a regular bad specimen; of the M'Guffin family, don't you know that the present Owner of this slab hut is a J.P." " Yes," I- meekly rejoined, " Icark wade in that far, but any farther is out of my depth." " You dunder-Jieaded old black pine stump, ,, said De R.,." don't you twig it ? This is the spot where the J.P. takes in and crams himself with mixed-tip law; you observe, the subjects, like some of his and your notions,'.are at sixes and sevens, 'which account's.for the liriLk. in the cocoanut, but not for tho husk on the

outside.'" "But," said I; some of.it is upside, down." ."' Done purposely," was the retort, " the J.P. is, an.Amateur photographer ; he "studies those reversed subjects through the camera, "and" gets that- / ,' <r "' " *

kind of law downside up." At this juncture 1 got so confused that I almost told that J.P., who then came up, that I preferred Danville's whisky. I suppose De Eegor is right, yet I feel doubtful, although I know that— " Our doubts are traitors, And make us lose the good we oft might win, By fearing to attempt." If the intellectuality of the colonial mind, as regards this colony, is to increase pro rata as does the tribe of Pedagogue, then should the next generation of Pakeha Maoris be in the superlative degree as regards intelligence, and all the other accessories which go to form an educated, cultivated, and morally elevated community. Pedagogues everywhere, " and the cry is still they come." I have my own ideas, however, as to the acquirements of some of the gentry who fight for existence under the scholastic banner. Very superficial, it seems to me, is the knowledge which the hats of many of them cover ; they may know a little about the ologies, but the practical part of that which is to be of use to the man "in the battle of life," I am afraid a great majority of so-called teachers cannot impart to the man's father, i.e., the boy, for this simple reason that they have never acquired the simplest rudiments connected with what we know as, and term, business. I think this because of the following occurrence:— Dr Syntax and Dr Prosody, two eminent birchems, had some transactions between them which necessitated a payment to be made by Syntax, who accordingly gave Prosody a cheque, which the latter skintickler duly presented for payment to Manager Westenra ; but that astute financier, with a " Burleigh shake of the po]l," returned the rag to the payee with the remark—"Why, it is neither dated or signed !" " Oh," said Prosody, "is that necessary ? It is Syntax's writing, you know." No go, however—that teacher sorrowfully departed to teach Syntax the lesson the financist had taught him. *' Knowledge and wisdom, far from being one, Have oft-times no connection. Knowledge dwells In heads replete with thoughts of other men; Wisdom in minds attentive to their own." . -So Long.