SCISSORS.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 185, 26 April 1878, Page 3

SCISSORS.

The editor of the Danbury News, in an article on " Medical Progress," reports that an English physician recently removed a section of .a patient's liver, placed it on a- plate, scraped it carefully, -and returned it to its place, fully restored to its normal action. This, he thinks, \ promises to work a revolution in the treatment of disease, and in a few years we shall have an addition to domestic literature something like this :— ' '•" jHusband, I wish you would take /"•jJoKn's right lung down to the doctor this ■** morning, and have the miiddle lobe ~ or, "Will you step into the 'doctor's when you come home this noon, jand see if he has Mary's liver mended, as she wants to go out to tea this evening?" The practice will become so common in time, we are sure, that none of the neighbours will be startled to see a wife, with a veil tied around her head, leaning out ot a bedroom window, and shouting to her receding husband:— Jer-e-miah ! tell Dr. Scrapen to send up Willies right kidney at once, whether it is done or not. He's had it morn a week, and the child might as well be without any kidney, and done with it J"

The other day a gentleman named Muffett advertised for lodgings thus : : — ' Wanted by a single gentleman, a sitting and bedroom, within five minutes walk.of .' 'He received exactly ninety-sis: answers to' that advertisement, and feeling that it would be wasting, good money on a newspiper if he did jtot give all a trial, he went round to each of the < eligible sites,' all of which were supposed to be within five minutes walk of anywhere ; the latter supposition being of that fictional character which has been found to characterise and surround auctioneers' advertisements within the memory of man. Yesternay Muffett had got half through the list of ninety-six, and he speaks of his experience already as being of the most pathetic description it would be easy to imagine. One old lady, who was the mother of six daughters, none of them under thirty, and all very large, offered as an inducement to Muffett that the family would sit with him each evening for comfort. Muffett at first got startled at the sight of the maiden offshoots, and never recovered the shock. It was in vain that the good lady spoke of her camp oven which could cook anything, from a black swan to an oyster ; he was unmoved by an ardent eulogy on the best canvas covered stretcher in the house ; and eventually got into such a state of confusion at the thought of the family circle he had got into that he fled the house when a lucky chance left the street door open. All of the lodginghouses were not like the above, but Muffett does not look as well as he used to do. Nevertheless, he is going to carry this business out to the bitter end, and consoles himself that he is not so badly off as the man with the corn beef contract whom Mark Twain writes of, because he will at least fetch up somewhere, which the heroes of the corn beef contract never did—they ' caved in ' to worry and expired.

A bright story is told of the accomplished wife — now dead —of General Hooker. When she was the .admired Miss Groesbeck, of Cincinnati, she was once at an evening party when a fashion able young dandy was asked if he would like to be presented to her. " Oh, yes," said he, languidly, " trot her out." The lady overheard the remark, and when he was • presented, she adjusted her eyeglasses deliberately and slowly scanned his clothing from boot to collar. The survey finished, she waved her hand and carelessly said : " Trot him back, I have seen all there is of him."

A young man in Chicago was recently found dead in his bed, and. the supposition was that he committed suicide by poisoning, but upon analysing the contents of his stomach nothing but the following was found in it:—Pickles, pound cake, lemonade, cold turkey, beer, fried oysters, cold punch, ham, sandwich, sponge cake, beef tea, mince pie, champagne, lobster, game pie, fruit cake, tea, chicken salad, whisky, coffee, Bologna sausage, pork, cheese, sardines, and sherry. The jury returned a verdict of " Died through the visitation of friends."