THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 175, 22 March 1878, Page 3

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

0 " Glorious and Beautiful." • 'Campanula Ding Dong." " A thing of beauty is a joy," the poet says, ■' for ever," " and so say all of us, which nobody can deny." That's my form to aXY Z. lam great on beauty and the beautiful. I hold, and so does all our family, that beauty, like charity, commences at home, which perhaps is the reason why I am so ardent an admirer of myself. Some sceptics have said that the beauty of the sundowning family, if it does commence at home, should stop there, but our family, like many others, has its disparagers. However—l am wandering —this is exactly how it occurred :—lmpecuniosity and the threats of my landladyforced me to visit the Mail office in quest of spondulex, and there I found James, of that ilk, who, guessing my errand, said— " The old tale I suppose. Jack; there's your money, so clear ; but, I say, Wiggins," turning to another gentleman present, "here is a damaged article that Ivess left us, take him, and keep him—sober if you can." Sorrowfully did I gaze on the lineaments of James, but he suddenly rounded on me with —"faugh, what an abominable stink; Jack, either you or I must leave this—phu, decayed onions and stale rum." Of course I left and went outside, popped my back against the lamp-post to count the coins, when that " thing of beauty." the corner fence of the Mail surroundings fetched me into an ecstatic state of admiration. " Glorious and beautiful. " just, isn't it ? Why, " the beak " and me exhausted ourselves in admiring the fence round the drunks' paddock adjoining the Court-house, and that is—bah, comparisons are odoriferous. Teague. photographer, fetch along your shooting gallery and immortalise that fence and yourself.

" A thing of beauty is a joy for ever ; Its loveliness increases ; it will never Pass into nothingness; but still will keep A bower quiet for us." My luck i»dead in. I have discovered that rara avis, that bird of doubtful plumage, that incarnation of intellectuality called " tbe intelligent compositor." I have run him to earth, and this is how I made the discovery, with its attendant results :—Myself, the swag, and the billy have been " on the Wallabi," and during the course of our wanderings I went to see my old employer, E. M. Quad, who runs a rag shop at—never mind where. On seeing my expressive countenance, and dignified form, enter- the sanctum, E. M. said to me —" Why, Jack, you are the very man I wanted ; we are hard up for an article, sling us in some copy, and I will pay whatever you hang up at the Somerset; but, first of all, what is Avrong with you, why surely you haven't the lumps ?" "No," said I. sadly, for I felt unwell, " it is the pickled onions I had at the last puh which has disagreed with me, but if I rinse my mouth out with ' battle-axe' I shall be right." I rinsed at Quad's expense, and then sat down and wrote a stinger which sent the circulation of that rag up from that time forward. Says Quad, looking at the copy—" Why, Jack, it looks as if a fly had fallen into the ink well, and then walked over the pap<*r; but, nevertheless, Quoins, who is a very inteligent compositor, will make it out, and you shall have a proof." ■' Right," was my reply. In this article of mine I bad been quoting from Keble's Christian Year —"Hues of the rich unfolding morn," and had mentioned my authority. When I got the proof, that intelligent compositor had made me quote Keble's Christian Jew, and when I expostulated with him on the contradiction of a Christian being a Jew, he told me it was quite right, and I was wrong, for he knew lots of them, although he wasn't sure if they belonged to Mr Keble's congregation. I have not quite got over that experience yet. True it is— " The keen spirit Seizes the prompt occasion — makes the thought Start into instant action, and at once Plans and performs, resolves and cxci cures." My experience has fully borne out the truth of the old adage which tells us " that the longer we live the more we learn," and I find out that what has happened in my case has, and is, occurring daily and hourly to plenty of others. For me, and vagrants like me, there is an irresistible magnetism about * a public-house which draws us to its portals. Many and many a time have I tried to shake this influence off, have walked past a pub. only to turn back and " treat resolution," have reasoned with myself, have been reasoned with, against this infatuation, know it is wrong for me to he the slave of this attraction, and still 1 continue on in the error of my ways. A day or two since I sauntered into one of my favorite pubs, on the "treat resolution" ticket, and whilst engaged in that, to me, delectable pursuit, I overheard a dialogue somewhat as follows, between two of the "lady helps" employed in the establishment, the said L. XL's being, like myself, " racy of the sod, d'ye mind:" Senorita the first was busily engaged in that domestic piece of colonial handiwork known as claying the fire-place, and was laying the brush about pretty fast, when senorita number two, who was apparently the newest of new chums, approached, and after looking for some time said—" What's that ye're doing, Polly ? " •• Oh, only claying

the fire-place," was the rejoinder. " What," was again asked, to which the same answer was returned. This seemed to perplex the handmaiden ; she stood for some time attentively eyeing .the clnyinff process: at last, heaving a g.c.n si.h. she Raid— " Bedad, it's the q-iH-v-st way of blackleading that ever I buw, shun? now it is." It was then I learnt something new.

" A little learning is a dnnjrMrniM thing ! Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring ; Those shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, And drinking largely sobers us again." I do not believe it, and, what is more, I will not. Wackford Squeers, of Do-the-boys Hall, says that the Akaroa Domain Board have erected a stable within the domain for Old Caton—bother Old Caton— to use for the purposes of his racing stud, and that a county councillor, of a Jewish cast of countenance, has got howlingly jealous, because he wanted the gratuitous use of the building for his steed, and cannot obtain it owing to Old Caton having shuffled the cards, and dealt himself all the trumps. _ What a shame to impute such unworthiness to a personage so far elevated above the common herd of vulgar humanity as a county councillor. What more, I wonder. The next thing may be that Squeers, or someone else, will be saying that the Chairman of the Domain Board has had that edifice placed where it is for the purposes of holding forth, or that the Secretary wants it to store fruit in, or that Garwood, failing to get the jetty store, is about to hang it round with suits of •' hand me down " shoddy, with an eye to business and the main chance ; as well say any of these things as to impute unworthy motives to one-of the "upper ten." It grieves me to think that a man cannot show his ignorance publicly upon such trifling matters as the constitution of Domain Boards, who are nominated bodies throughout the length and breadth of the colony ,* that he cannot ask such a foolishly childish question as to whether money voted for a specific purpose cannot be allocated to another object, quite the antipodes of what the vote is intended for, without having inuendos hawked about that his object is clap-trap notoriety and selfish purposes. I blush to think that no one can do a public duty without some detractor insinuating that it is done with the intention of self-glorification or for petty personal ends. At all events, I repeat—l do not believe such base rumours. "0, 'tis excellent To have a giant's strength! but it is tyrannous To use it like a giant." So Long.