LOVE AND WAR.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 171, 8 March 1878, Page 3

LOVE AND WAR.

From the Westport Times of the 26th Feb. we clip the following :—" It is not often that anything out of the ordinary routine occurs to enliven the journey on the Mount Rochford railway, but the other day, on the way down from Waimangaroa the monotony was pleasantly interrupted by a little comedy of error 0 . The involuntary actors were, Ist an old gentleman of pompous mien and irascible disposition, with hair crushed up to a peak in front of his head, and one of those high linen collars of old make, which seemed designed to saw the wearer's ears off, and unHke things of modern invention answered the purpose admirably. Nor was a handsome girl of eighteen who sat about a yard to the right of Mr Pompous, the last mentioned personal. The third was one of that ever increasing, übiquitous class " the first on the Coast,. Sir," with cracks in his neck a yard deep, like the fissures in an extinct valcano, who sat at the right hand of the blooming female ; and the last was a respectably dressed young man with an amorous temperament and a squint. He sat opposite the other three. Now the peculiarity in the young man's obliquity of vision was that whenever he seemed to be looking at you he was looking at the left of you. So when he was looking at the girl he seemed to be staring straight into the pompous gent's countenance. Everybody knows that every man with a squint is a lady killer, and that every female who comes within speaking distance of his charms is at once made love to. It is, therefore, no matter for surprise that as soon as the train was in motion he began by smiles, winks, and so on to demonstrate the gentleness of his love for that member of the fair sex who sat opposite him, but of course it was apparent tooall but himself that he was making love to the choleric old gentleman ; and it was with a start of horrified amazement and indignation too great for words that the person discovered that he was ogled at, winked at, leered at, and by a thousand other little attentions of a like nature assured that he was the happy object of that young man's undying love and admiration. But how much greater was the pent up passion that rent his soul, in the awful moment that followed, while he was trying to speak and struggle with incipient apoplexy to hear himself addressed thusly. " Fairest lily of the Buller County ! 0 could I snatch one kiss from those ruby lips, or clasp thee to my throbbing heart and call thee mine for ever the gods themselves might envy me 1" The old swell could stand it no longer. He boiled over. " What the devil do you mean, you infernal scoundrel, by addressing such

language to me?" he demanded, foaming at the mouth with rage. " Who did ?" asked the astonished Squint, as he looked out of the end of the carriage, nr seemed to. "Y<>u did, you rascal!"' said Pompous. "You're ti liar, sir!" said the now savage Squint. " By cripes", said the first on the Coast" " you're another, 1 heard you myself." "By " said Squint, really looking at " the first on the Coast, " but apparently glaring fiercely at the young woman, "if you interfere with me I'il knock you into a mash " ! •' I did'nt speak, Sir," faltered ihe girl. " All right my love" said Squint, again seeming to look at the old gent. " What again, you black hearted villian, roared Pompous, " take that!" " Take it again" yelled old Squint dropping one on the old gent's wind bag and .compelling him to pump for breath. " Take that" roared " the first on the the Coast," as his fist impinged on the young man's right ear. Then up came the pompous gent and he and " the first on the Coast', made a joint attack upon Squiut. But they were no match for him, for when he seemed to be. about to strike the choleric gentlemen he would double up'" the first on the Coast," or the other way pbout ; or when he seemed to be glaring into nothingness and they expected his fist to go the same way one of them would receive it plump upon his nose, with such a shock upon the cartilages thereof that fire and water would be driven out of his eyes.

Later in the evening Squint was relating the incident to one of his friends as they stood together in Palmerston street. He said while he was looking at his friend, though apparently scanning the mouniain ranges far away towatds the Mohikinui, that because he had a very slight cast in his eye they thought they might make game of him, but they had found him too game for them. John Dobb.