THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 150, 24 December 1877, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

o-— — "I tell you Nothing New/Sirs/

Longbow's "Art of. Stretching."

I have an extreme' aversion to shams, make believes," and especially to petty meannesses. I hold .all. persons who are guilty of the latter soul dobasirig action to : be outside the pcjle of.my good/ opinions, and, as a natural sequence, consider, them; fair marks ftp shoot niy peculiar

but does not receive, the support of all. I allude to the Literary Institute. I have an idea that on previous.occasions I have advocated the cause of this praiseworthy institution, and endeavoured, in my roundabout way, to enlist-, the sympathies of the readers of the Mail on its behalf. No go, however. With the intention of extending its usefulness, and as a boon to all, the committee throw open the reading-room to the public gratuitouslj', expecting by that means to obtain an increased number of subscribers for the circulating department, and also hoping it would tend to make those who accept their liberality donate a trifle toward the funds. Vain hope, which meanness frustrates. I know this, that there are some who " day by day" use that library — who usurp and keep papers, books, and periodicals from subscribers, and yet are too contemptibly mean to give a cowrie toward aiding in supplying the Jiterary pabulum which they so greedily devour. These are the kind of people, who go to Church but shun the offertory, or, if they do give, grudgingly diop a threepennj 7 , which they have been husbanding for that special purpose, and the chances are it is only a sense of shame that makes them dole out that miserable modicum. Believe me, my parsimoniously mean friends—no, you are not my friends —Jack has ye spotted. " What thou wouldst highly, That wouldst thou holily ; wouldst not play false, And yet wouldst wrongly win." The present is the age of invention, let senile detractors say what they may to the contrary. Genius is rampant, and even here, in somnolent Akaroa, you have some mighty intellects who, " in due season," will yet astonish the world, and themselves, by the revolutionising power of their, as yet, undeveloped powers of discovery. A few days since I came across an instance which strongly bore out the truth of my foregoing remarks; in plain English, I tumbled slap on the tracks and into'the company of — an inventor. Yes, Sir, I discovered latent genius in the person of a concocter and dispenser of the " flowing bowl." How was it ? Tell you all about it ? Well, of course I will ! This was it, Sir —and if it was not wonderful, why, call me Johannes for brevity—l was on the jetty, "in pensive thought," when, hearing some mixed language, I looked around, and who should I espy but " mine ancient crony " Screecher, going through an erratic performance a Iα " Jolly young waterman." Yes, Sir, Screecher was there in a boat, doing a powerful quantity of gesticulating and wordy acrobatism, these " parts and figures of speech " being used by him, apparently, as a means towards bringipg the boat to the wharf. Anyway, as the boat was fast to her moorings, talk would not move her, so S. proceeded to unloose the mooring warp, which was unbuoyed, and cast it adrift, the result being that it immediately sank. Says an onlooker—" Why, S., the mooring rope has sunk; mark the place so that you can grapple for and recover it." " Ah," said S., while an intellectual glow suffused his expressive countenance, " let me see, the boat has shifted a little, but I fancy it went down about here," and he proceeded to mark the gunwale of the boat so as to make sure of the moorings whereabouts. It. is f.carcely credible, but it is quite true, the spectators of this original conceptionlaughed heartily. " He bath borne himself beyond the promise Of his age ; doing, in the figure of a lamb, The feats of a lion ; he hath, indeed, Bettered expectation." On a recent trip, from the South, of the steamship Hawea, the members of the Italian Opera Company, now performing in Christchurch, were passengers. One of their number, seemingly thinking that a clean shave would add to his personal appearance, and espying the tonsorial signpole, marched himself into Professor Badquick's cherry pectoral emporium, with the idea that the illustrious maker of purges and "village leech" wns, "as were his forefathers," shaver as well as " blood letter to the lieges." Observing the professor's sabretasche and jingling spur looking assistant, the visitor made signs and pulled his chin about, to the great discomfiture of that youthful disciple of JEsculapius, who, in much perplexity, went for Bad quick, informing him that there was a lunatic in the shop who seemed like a customer. The professor, being up in the " language of signs," very soon understood that the strange gentleman required the removal of superfluous hair from his chin, and was immediately in to business. Getting down a bottle of muddy looking fluid, he thus commenced :—" Savee, our celebrated " — and then he winked cunningly — u sacre, you know, kill urn, quick urn " — then he nearly dislocated his neck by nodding at the unoffending Italian—"No skin urn, all right, seven and six, finish urn off." ' Then he made savage passes about i his throat, which . seemed to frighten the gentle stranger,' for he beat a retreat, leaving the professor talking bis version of Italian to the bottle of " our and astonishing the military looking assistant'by his erudition. As that lonely son of Fair Italia was leaving, he was heard to remark in the " dulcet tones of the sunny south " :—-" Bad scran to the oinadhaun, 'twas the wrong shop I was in intirely." Ah, professor— ■ . . "The worst is not, So Jong as we can say, this is the worst." My Dear Readers, — For the second time in the columns of the Akaroa Mail, I have the pleasure of wishing you, individually and collectively, " A Joyous Christmas and a Happy New Year," and— oh, yes. certainly I will—Messrs Gar wood and Bridge have just hinted to me to do the same thing to youou their behalf. For them I have to thank the supporters of this journal for favors received, and—adopting the usual steriotyped form —to solicit a continuation of the same. To thbse who are readers, but not subscribers, we ask you to aid our undertaking by adding your names to our list of patrons. (I have jumped into the .we.) To our advertising friends we say—" Thank you, gentlemen, heartily; your assistance to" us has been invaluable, so'just sling in the copy strong and lively for the future." To the ladies we say—" Bless your little" — " Drop it!" So says our senior partner, who hints that :I have been visiting my good tempered and genial friend "the Marquis." Perhaps he is right; if I havn't, I certainly shall before " the /merry Christmas time" expires. Nowjj I must, in conclusion, say a few words bj\'way of apology for myself. Jack-r-that's me—is not a-bit better

any occasion, I have knocked hard at the door, or trod upon the soft corn of any tender-footed reader, I humbly apologise for same, and hope to receive forgiveness. Reiterating his good wishes to ail, John Sundowner bows his and the proprietors' acknowledgments, i buckles up the swag, collars his faithful billy, takes the Wallabi, aqd—ring down the curtain to lively music, Mr Bridge— on our next appearance Jlbk hopes tO'be "himself again."

" Then long may each mortal of beef have his fill

At Christmas, the season of peace and ' good will, For the man that's well fed, Sirs, can nev-i do ill. Oh thy. L.v brose of old Scotland, And ay for the potheen —Hooper's Beer, and— P.S.— Hole in the ballad. Got mixed again, eh, V.

Adieu for 1877,