THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume I, Issue 62, 20 February 1877, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

" I'm all the way from Manchester, and want no" "Wrongs of the People."—by L. AZ. Y. Humbugum. Want in multitudinous ways is the canker worm of this miserable sundowner's existence, and while this " mortal evil" lasts, so 'twill be. I think I am not singular in being burthened with wants, but you see, Sir, I tell mine, not in the highways, as do gossips; not at meetings, as do " log-rolling billet seekers;" not in senate or councils, as do the pompous elect; but in the prosaic columns of the Akaroa Mail. I want to be respectable— who does not ? I want to be whitewashed —who else does ? I want to cut sundowning—who's on ? I want a no-work public billet—" anyone else down, gentlemen, anyone else?" I wanted to be a County Councillor, so did —- " To Horse," Sir, I have dropped something like a W. I want credit—so does the " Trust Board." Spurgeon, the celebrated divine, was wrong when he said " hundreds would have never known want if they had not first known waste." How does he make that out I want to know ? the wants I have enumerated I

am still wanting, how then can I have wasted those wants. Eelieve this sundowner's mind, Brother Morey, by solving him the pastor's riddle. " Want is a bitter and a hateful good, Because its virtues are not understood." "Who sells " incidents?" What are they like? What are they for? Are they a peculiar prerogative of bye-laws committees ? Will anyone let me have " fourteen shillings "worth, on credit, just to try the flavour of the article, and enable me to descant learnedly on its virtues. I meet with many puzzlers, which like " the smells that we smell, "have a "knock-me-down" tendency, but the "fourteen shillings," "incidents bye-laws committee," passed for payment by the Borough Council, completely floors me. lamin a state of mental collapse, and my nights are wearily dreary with dreams of incidents. Happy thought! is incidents, another name for preliminary expenses toward a gift iron lamp post ? if so, a new bye-law is, I suppose, required. You don't catch this sundowner " humping his swag," and " slinging his billy " in Okain's Bay, " not if he knows it," after Mr. Thacker's description of his neighbours. I have not the ambition or indeed the wish to allow the Okainites to " deprive me of daylight." I can worry along with one black eye without a murmer—in fact it has a professional appearance—but to have both eyes bunged up and my head in a sling— " Oh dear no, not for Joe, Not if he knows it, not for Joseph." Another thing upsets me, My personal appearance ia of the scarecrowish order. Mr. T. describes his neighbours as vultures, ready to leap—do vultures leap ?—upon me." Now knowing my defects of person, dress, and appearance, would it not be suicidal of me or " any other man " to venture among " vultures." It is a well-known fact, thoroughly borne out by the observations of naturalists, that " vultures" are "unclean birds," " scavengers," besides being ''gross feeders upon carrion and garbage." Only fancy, Sir, your mildly urbane sundowning correspondent being taken for carrion, and having the " vultures " articulating his bones." Oh 'tis dreadful to contemplate. An expression used after "vulture," I cannot think of using it so thoroughly " uncleanly and unclean," that I wonder any gentleman would defile his mouth with it, that is, if ho is aware of its filthily degrading meaning. Men of the " Okain's Bay Road Board " — I read you are " not gentlemen " —are you as bad as you are described ? Do you systematically try to stop or otherwise injure an industry which must be very beneficial to your district ? if you do so, although I paid thrice " twenty pounds a year in rates," I would up with the tent pegs and take the "wallibi track " for fresh fields and pastures new." Any, and every industry, which employs labour, should be fostered, not strangled. " Pull, pull together boys." If you have had a misunderstanding, do not perpetuate it, but meet together, and come to a good understanding, which may be mutually advantageous, not only as regards trade, but also as regards the removal of angry feelings, and heartburning bickerings. A celebrated German author wrote— " A misunderstanding will create more uneasiness in the world than deception or artifice, or, at least, its consequences are more universal." "Where, Oh! where is my Jemmie gone, Where, Oh 1 where is my Jemmie ?" The sudden absence, without leave, of one of the members of Shark Alley Lodge has completely plunged the whole of the members into a state of grief, and the Growl Master-General appears to have taken prompt measure to bring the truant's absence under the notice of his gallant confreres. James has evidently been overworking himself of late in the interests of his fellow citizens, and I fear his exertions on the late Banquet Committee, Fancy Fair, the bath scheme, and other projects, have impaired 1 his energy. As presentations of late have been the order of the day, I feel certain that his departure would have been marked in the orthodox manner had he given timety notice. I am sure His Worship the Mayor would have consented to have taken charge of the parchment. But, perhaps, Jemmie may favour the Growl Master-General with a telegram, intimating his return to this port; if so, I am sure the drum and fife band would have no objection to be in attendance at the disembarkation, and as the absent brother lands, strike up that well-known and popular air, . " Johnny comes marching home." • Although he was prevented from accompanying his friend John in the Wanaka, I am sure that host, with his characteristic philantrophy, would have no objection to throw his bar open free on that auspicious occasion. It has been said that a bond of union still exists between that eminent caterer and the Banquet Committee, but I feel certain that John is too much a man of the world to allow that to stand in. the way extending aright good welcome to one of the foremost movers in the event. Adieu,