PEN AND INK SKETCHES OF LOCAL POLITICIANS.

Auckland Examiner, Volume 1, Issue 22, 14 May 1857, Page 2

PEN AND INK SKETCHES OF LOCAL POLITICIANS.

By

Quizzicus.

CHAPTER XV. When tea first found its way into England, certain old women of that country, threw away the decoction and served up the boiled leaves. Their mistake, though very odd, was quite natural. Boiled tea leaves look well enough while deccction therefrom in appearance has little to recommend it. And in this “lower” world pearance has the multitude for worshippers. Even professed moralists humble themselves before it, and make with regard to virtue the same sort of mistake that English housewives made with regard to tea —flinging away essence and serving up boiled leaves. These obscure-looking touches will appear clear as clearest crystal when I have sketched my actual subject, who, if done well, will leave the beholder in doubt as to whether he is more man than brute or more brute than man. He occupies a high position, has worked or rather schemed his way to wealth; is J. P. as well as M. P. C.; and, though utterly rotten, a substan tieX-looking pillar of John Williamson’s Government. At one time an Auckland Post Office Clerk, he by-and-by developed to the dimensions of Auckland’s Bank Clerk. While in that capacity he appears to have been attentive to business and—his pocket. Rigidly economical he confined himself to a couple of spare meals a day except when able to get more and better ones “on the cheap.” Then as now he devoutly worshiped the “ dual Divinity of Bag and Belly.” Not only was he Bank Clerk but Bank Lodger—sleeping in the Bank that lightfingered gentry might not under cover of night break in and carry off its treasure. Just as the dragon watched over certain golden apples in a rather uncertain garden, called garden of Hesperides, my doubt-ful-looking subject watched and slept over Bank Bullion and Bank Bags. Tired of this job, or at all events resolved upon setting up jobber on his own account, in 1844 he bought land not a stones throw from Remuera, and turned farmer. Then conspicuously shone forth his most shining characteristic. Portia says of a French Lord, God made him and therefore let him pass for a man. I apply the reasoning to my subject, and allow him to pass for a man; but bis conduct when he began farming business was not what is called manly, though quite consistent with Bag and Belly worship. After hiring a married couple to work on his farm he arranged that they should provide “ sustentation” of very moderate kind at very lowest figure. Poor people ! They knew not him with whom they had

to deal. It never occurred to them that their master lodger could, like a sharp cheat of old— spend three mince in a friendly way, And bring his bill for twelve. Not until after the “sustentation” bargain was struck did they see cause to repent of it. Then, with admirable adroitness, their shrewd lodger, in manner irrisestibly bland, would ask if an egg or two could be added to his moderate repast, or modestly inquire if a bit of English Cheese could be made available. To “ oblige master” the honest couple stretched a point, and gave considerably more of nice things than the terms of their bargain would justify. Moreover, the feasting of friends who occasionally stept in to enjoy his “ sweet discourse of reason,” and other sweet things, fell upon them as, excepting only gin or other strong drinks, he provided nothing paid for nothing— on principle. People say that Nature never produces a rogue without at same time vitalizing for his use at least a score of fools. But even fools are known to grow tired of being eaten up, and my managing subject, though liberally endowed with a certain sort of persuasive eloquence, frequently changed his servants, and at last found it difficult to keep any, or rather, I ought to say, found the task of persuading them to keep him very arduous. Fertile in expedients he struck up a sort of half bargain with Maories whose huts at the Ti he frequently visited after dark, telling the white folk, with whom also he was half-boarder, that as he might not be home before morning the door could be locked. Upon these interesting occasions he usually sallied forth to his Maori consolers armed with a couple of largish case bottles of genuine gin, or genuine stuff of some sort. In those days a number of Maories were breaking stone near where Mr. Hendry’s Garden now is. A large Cabbage Tree, called by Natives Ti, gives name to the place which associated, as it is, with the development of my subject’s moral propensities, will live in history. Many lively anecdotes, illustrative of his fixed resolution to keep up the appear anee of virtue, might be given ; but to very few the nature of my sketch confines me. In love matters he has been, and perhaps still is, quite a Don Juan without either the courage or generosity of the dashing Spanish libertine. But amours utterly unsentimental are utterly bestial, and I cannot even for the sake of giving a perfest sketch soil my paper by more than merest allusion to such. Of Harry the Eighth it was said that he never spared man in his anger nor woman in his lust. The history of my respectable subject shows that in his lust he will spare no women and that to avarice he he has sacrificed hecatombs of honest men. Many remember the case of a poor woman whose husband while a tenant of my Bag and Belly devoted subject fell from a horse and was killed. One of the apostles hath taught us that benevolence cannot better employ itself than in visiting the widow and the fatherless in their affliction. My subject not only visited his unfortunate tenant’s widow but headed a Subscription List with £5 which generous act stimulated the benevolent feelings of others. No wonder if then to the poor widow he appeared an angel of light although something quite different. She knew not that When devils will the blackest sins put on, They do suggest at first with heavenly shows, As he did then. For by virtue of his Subscription List, backed by another £5, he induced her to part with her lease and having secured that gave her notice to quit. Decidedly opposed to half measures he told her that on a certain day he would burn down the Wharre and therefore to get her furniture out would be prudent. He did burn down said Wharre. and the widow with her large family of children were houseless. In bargain-driving my admirable subject excels. The Old Scrooge of Charles Dickens’ never bargained better. The Old Scratch, with whose horrid image nurses frighten children, never deceived more skillfully. The Old Shylock of Shakespeare never more vehemently insisted upon “justice and his bond.” By all sorts of partnership he has gained largely. Whether his partner be man or woman he always contrives to be partner upon the “limited liability” principle. With one of these partners he agreed to divide property. The partner's name is well-known; but it is not known by everybody that leaving a herd of cattle in charge of my rather-too-careful subject, the latter having after some time received instructions to sell them to advantage, and did sell them to his own advantage by buying them conjointly with another who held cattle contract at a very low rate. After performing a series of exploits, moral and social, he married. Perhaps he believed in the adage— Winter and wedlock tame man and beast. But to assert positively that he believes in more than Belly and Bag, I decline. His notions concerning the frhole duty

of parents must be peculiar ; because not very long since when asked what he intended to do with a live child taken to his own house by the mother, he said, Why, castrate, brand, and turn him out with the rest of my calves, Apropos to calves it may be mentioned that a certain calf which bellows occasionally, much to the Auckland public’s amusement, is from a diseased old cow that my subject has had a good deal to do with the breeding of. Indeed his reputation as a cow breeder and dealer stands high. It is even now his custom to buy cows upon the cheap and nasty principle giving perhaps £5 or £6 a-piece for, making, them fat at his own or somebody elses cost, and when they are with calf selling them to yokels as first rate for £l5 or £l6 a-head. The Dead Cow story I do not believe in because the Cow would have died, and all he did was to prevent its dying by killing it. Finding the animal unlikely, and quite unfit, to live he thought the sooner it was safely deposited in the rather strong stomach of Auckland citizens the better. Besides, were we not assured a few days since by a calf which ought to be well up in cow matters that “ there was nothing either morally or legally wrong about the Dead Cow.” But what some people thought wrong, both legally and mor illy, was killing a diseased animal on purpose to pass it upon Auckland flesh - eaters as the genuine thing. Of politics he is the Mr. Plausible. His speeches are never aimless. Breathe with a purpose he always does. And though his language never rises above th e level of mere common-place, it always means business. That he admires Robert Burns I cannot assert, but the satirical advice of Scotia’s ploughman poet Be to the poor like onie whinstane, /nd hand their noses to the grinstane, Play every art o’ legal thieving-: Nae matter, stick to sound believing He acts upon to the very letter. Hence bargaining with him is for most people a bad spec, and taking his advice a spec still worse. No man better able or more willing to give advice, but woe to the confiding wight who acts upon the advice, he gives. Some years since. he advised his neghbours not to grow potatoes and forthwith set himself to the work of growing as many of them as he possibly could. What sportsmen call doubling he is quite au fait at. And, according to some who with him have had much speech, if he praise any one, the motive is exactly that of the fox who told a certain rook how sweet her voice was in order to appropriate the cheese she had in her beak. Almanack-maker Partridge travelling one fine morning met a country chap whom he accosted with-—lt’s a fine morning. Yes, replied the yokel, but we shall soon have rain. Partridge went on his way musing; but being overtaken by a thunder storm returned to the countryman and said—l will give you a guinea if you tell me how you knew it was going to be rain to-day. Hodge scratched his head, pocketed the cash, and thus replied —Why, zur, I takes up Partridge’s Almanack —him as pretends to tell folk what like the weather will be, and if he says it will rain it’s ten-to-one we shall have a fine day, and if he says we shall have fine weather it’s ten-to-one we shall have rain. All manner of people would do well to repose on my calculating subject the same kind of confidence that Hodge placed in Almanack-maker Partridge. By some moralists it is held that when vice loses all its grossness it loses half its odiousness. And we know that genius will often enable its depraved possessor to extort admiration even from the pure. But the case of my present subject is not that of a sentimental amourist, like Jean Jacques Rousseau, or of but subtle-spirited, reprobate like Lord Rochester. No, Azs sensualism is unredeemed by any one of the many brilliant qualities by which in men of genius it is invariably accompanied. Avarice cannot but be hateful; and yet all avaricious men are not loathsome. Guy, the founder of that Hospital which bears his name, was a thorough miser—even going the length of denying to himself one article more than was essential to merest existence. But in principle he was benevolent, and hoarded for poor, sick, houseless wretches the immense wealth of which he defrauded himself. Let no one imagine that my subject is avaricious for the sake of ethers; or that the wealth he has wrung from the bereaved widow, the trusting friend, or the desolate orphan, will be employed in founding Institutions sacred to benevolence— For he in hardened oak his heart doth hide, And surest ribs of iron arm his side. No one ever knew him to be guilty of a benevolent act; and I think it unlikely that anybody ever will. One of fiction’s most terrible portraits is the Skeleton who figures in Eugene Sue’s Mysteries of Paris, While, says that skilful word-painter, companions of the Skeleton had countenances which presented, more or less, perfect resemb-

lances to those of the tiger, the fox, or the vulture, the form of his retreating forehead, and of his elongated and flattened jaws, supported by a disproportionately lon<r neck, could not fail to remind you of the°head and neck of a serpent. Nor do I doubt that the ‘' hobserving” reader has seen in Auckland, social or other criminals presenting, as Eugene Sue phrases it, “ more or less perfect resemblances” to those of the tiger, the fox, or the serpent. But my subject is outwardly quite unlike any of those interesting creatures. Indeed, physically he has many advantages over better men. Handsome he is not. And I have observed — a lurking devil in his sneer, Which raised emotions both of rage and fear. Disciples of Lovater, after one good look at him,would be under no misapprehension as to his real character, although disciples of Gall might arrive at wrong canclusions from mere manipulation oi his respectable-looking skull. No Local Politician can boast more regular features. Buttheir expression is displeasing ; parti y on account of the pure animalism of the full lips and prominent nose; partly on account of his eyelids which, to his very light treacherous looking eyes, lend much of their influence. Few men better built, whether as regards strength,activity, or appearance. He is above the middle height, untroubled with superfluous flesh, and with muscle,as well as bone,well provided. Did he while walking slightly turn out his toes instead of turning them in I should be better pleased. Pigeontoed people I do not tnink quite the thing. As it is he will pass in a crowd even without the physiognomical adornment of moustache and imperial. He dresses and looks like a stock-rider who had managed to become stock-owner. I cannot say he almost mak’st me waver in my faith, To hold opinion with Pythagoras, That souls of animals infuse themselves Into the trunks of men. Nor will I venture to affirm that his “ currish spirit governed a wolf;” but that in very many particulars he is wolfish I am quite sure. Unless my Natural History is at fault the whole aspect of a thorough wolf “ indicates vigilant malignity, fear, and eruelty.” Wolves (therough) “grovel with their nose in the earth instead of digging with their paws;” they “punish their whelps if they emit a scream of pain;” they “ bite, maltreat, and drag them by the tail;” they are “endowed with great sagacity,” and with acute hearing combine “ habits always cautious.” A thorough wolf will visit out houses, enter farm-yards, “first stopping, listening, snuffing up the air, smelling the ground, and springing over the threshold without touching it.” When hungry (whieh is almost always) “be roars around farm yards,” and, perhaps, “ utters a single howl to entice the watch dogs in pursuit of him.” After enticing them out he takes to his legs (or heels) till one of the silly dogs “is sufficiently forward to be singled out, attacked, and devoured.” Sheep and lambs “he carries off by wholesale ;” while for stealing, or otherwise getting hold of, cows he has an unsubduable passion. Other resemblances, “more or less perfect,” between the thorough wolf and my ravenous subject might be enlarged upon ; but these will suffice to identify the two animals.