Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 455, 19 January 1905, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

THE HONEYMOON. MRS HONEYMOON (to husband, in train on the way); 'Do .you love me?' Old Party (confidentially, from other seat, to Bridegroom): ' She's a9ked. forty-seven times already. I get out horej". but I'll leave the score with this gentleml§li|§ by the window,' *"s| MIS COJttPLAjNT. Teacher (angrily): 'Why don't . you answer my question, William.' His Brother Sam (answering for him): 'He can't, sir. He's got a peppormint in his speech.' AMENDED. He : ■ * I believe she told you I was the slowest mausho had ever met.' Friend: ' Yos, but I assured her you were often very fast ' He: 'You did?' . Friend : ' Yes, very fast asleep!' REJECTED. A young woman recently received the following noto, and is heartbroken:—' You needn't expect me up to yure house no more sunda nights. A gurl that leaves toffee a-stickin' on the parliour chairs for a fellar to sit on ain't no gurl for me.—Jim.' A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER. The proprietor of a dry goods store was explaining the situation to the applioant for a traveller's position. The late traveler had, he said, got his business all in a tangle, and he would find much difficulty in getting order out of ohoas. •' I don't know who choas is,' put in the new man, 'but I'll bet you I'll get an order out of him, even if I have to hang on to him for a week.' . SHORT AND SWEET, A man named Thomas Thorp left his money to a relative, on the condition that" his name and a verse of poetry be inscribed TCke legatois waa. t willing to oar-ry out the provision, but determined it should cost as little as possible, and as the inscription cost so much a letter, he demanded that the poetry should be brief. The rhymster submitted: ' Here lies the corp of Thomas Thorp.' But this was ruled out as being too long. Finally he approved the following: ' Thorp's Corpse.' , MORE PROBABLY. An Irishman who was at a picnic at the seaside spent a few minutes in the company of the curate. Tholcleric wished to make ■ himself agreeable, and endeavoured to explain all about the attractions of the seaside to his parishioner. ' And phwat do they do in that tint over there, sor ?! asked Patrick, as he indicated a tent in which phrenology was practised. 'Oh,' replied the curate, ' the man in there is a phrenologist.' 'A phwat,'inquired Pat. , , 1 A. phrenologist.' ' And sure now, sor,' phwat's that ?' ' Why, Patrick,' explained the curate, 'a phrenologist is a man that can tell by feeling the bumps on your head what kind of a man you are.' "'" - \ 'Bumps .on my head, is it, - sor?' exclaimed the Irishman. 'Faith, then, and I think they, would give him more of an idea, what kind of a woman my wife is I'

• PLASTER OF PARIS. Husband : ' Have you seen anything of that plaster o'f Paris I brought in yesterday?' ■ : Wife : .' Was it stuff.that looked liko flour, in,a paper bag?' , ..'Yes,'that's.it.V v 'And does it got harditafter it's been wet?' .\ , ■ "'■* 'Yes.'- . '■ > : Jjjt± ' And sticks to everything like aB thing?' ■'■-. - A VM| 'Yes.' .. .JBffl ' Oh, Joseph 1 It is just like ycflHBH horrid stuff lying about, Why, itfH more than- an hour - with tho aM hamrapr getting the cake out^B SW M If any one thinks JH Texas,. ho should be jß the inhabitants oE tffl by being too s'wellish, his appearance in tboMJ ago in a pair .-of white B promptly escorted to thS of them, and,an injjM to.revisiidH stand a biled ?kvr«H 'bUHJI biled drav/ejaoj

Lbs'' I BRen it wai WJr blown people to whisky 1 couldn't agree with them. '/"_;'* ©la Beacon. Todger>. : rying to com . '~*iort him over his 1* -„ -*aever; harmed "."man or beast.. Bat a combination" oi Tom Wilson's, joy producer, nitroglycerin and a jealous and evil-minded snake would bring to a sudden end ■Cftbe"career ' of the most cultivated bear that ever trod the pike to fame.! "The deacon had caught the beai : when it was a cub and had trained il ! carefully in the way good bean fe. should go. There's no denying thai sAJae made a success of his experiment |f"When it approached the period oi swJt bearhood that bear had for fflfcn more than any other bear ii fcpsnty had 4ver known. H« plfpreciate the excellence oi Ehlsky and play several garnet »P* besides that, he would rut Has "for the deacon, act as watch flgPa* night and see that the good "deacon didn't get the worst end of il if he got mixed up in a little serat of any kind, f - ' " "One little fault that bear of mint possesses,' the deacon used to say, admiringly, though with just a little touch of regret, 'but' I haven't the heart to blame him, seeing how few men who pretend to intelligence can ever be taught to play the national game properly. S "But if the bear was Eshibit A is " the ursine family, Tom Wilson's pet blacksnake could cash in nearly as well at his own game. A good many people thought the snake knew as much as Tom himself did. Of course, Tom wouldn't quite agree to this proposition. But he was monstrous proud of that snake, just the same. , *** Poor Eve,' Tom used to say, in I sort of a regretful manner. 'lf the original serpent in; the Garden had the intelligence of ■ this cultivated animal of mine, I dont wonder she yielded to temptation.'' Sver since I - began to appreciate the ability of'a properly trained snake, I have, felt . that she had been blamed too much for that apple affair.' " "The good old deacon, thinking that he really needed a little stim- . ulant to keep himself in condition t for doing his duty in an efficient -.manner, u--ed to drop down to Tom's tavern quite frequently in the evenings Naturally he took hisr cherished) bear with him. . "Ordinarily the snake was asleep fa the backroom in the evening. But one xsJfit";Ae v happened Ig-J** --perfoTESSSg in she bejrr«wffir»^eß~*he deacon and tue bear eame in. After the snake had finished his exhibition . almost every'one applauded. ' "The snake swelled out what chest he had end looked proud and happy, like a snake who has done his duty 'and more than his duty. But the , deacon sniffed sort of scornful. "•For a crawling reptile,' he said sarcastic like, 'l'm not denying th£t « snake -of yours does fairly well; -Q Ut of course, he is not to be J^enttoned in the same breath as bear wlien it comes to real intelligenoe.' "Tom Wa*oj> .aaered at this and j allowed thit the only place where tk"*. any beUef in «xe bear's was under the deacon's own / hat"'A good bear, a well-meaning bear/ he observed; scornfully, 'but for true culture not to be mentioned with my snake.' "The deacon was almost dased with honest indignation at this attack, on the pet he cherished like a son. He allowed that the anake wouldn't be ' one, two, left at the post, if the bear. really showed what he could do. > "To make things interesting he put up a pretty good wager with Tom , Wilson on the relative merits of the .bear and snake. Then he cleared an . open place on the floor and put the v. bear through his tricks. "I don't know that the bear was really any smarter than the snake, | although, of course, their talents la|| I in different directions.' But everyloves a good bear and maybe prejudiced the boys a little. At Bi rate, when the beai- finished, the ■jujimous Opinion that the ■ta had been beater* / bet, though he Bt nT cheerful alacrity The defeated snake tn a humble manatr, Bjook in his IHUe promise any r *h« bear if ■Mhance to Wk Tom K 'he barn ■: on fcxed formet: fc* e «tueS IJLthere.

Mhianner as if he considered to be Jarred? HWPbe that sorrow over his defeat turned tht my cherished it, or affectedit -'with paresi*?* '•* "A moment later, when Tom looked »r the nitroglycerin he found it all ; one. Then he remembered that .the - Jycerin has a sweetish taste. lized that the snake had eaten it. —l© .was too overjoyed to think he had >ot given the nitroglycerin-laden :ake a vigorous kick in the body to lind about the loss of the explosive. . Ce hurried out into the yard, where) he snake was sunning himself. "Take day off,*;he said to the' nake in his blandest tones. 'I won't] •eed you in the tavern to-day. Xnjoyi ourself m the fields and meadows an-1 11 you have digested' that last menlfl if yours, "" JSven if you wander away Mite a distance I shall not scold you.' "Tom always talked to the snake as I it could understand him, and there's. •j -o doubt the snake did comprehend the ibstanee of what. Tom said. ,■ The lake was crawling away with a look f content at getting a vacation when n idea occurred to Tom. . '"Remember,* he called after the -nake, that bears have even more of . sweet tooth than snakes.... If that -■start bear that humbled you the - her night should happen to stumble -■ hen he was full of nitroglycerin and -hlsky he would go in little bits to : e place provided for bad bears. And-s /-wouldn't wonder If' this .evening* "hen you return; you could find.both - glycerin and boose in the barn.'' "Tom always; insists that the snakr mderstood all he said. Maybe it did, ■ =ad maybe it was only an accident. Alaybe, as the deacon says, it was if ate. J "Anyhpw, that, evening-the deacon' happened to feel thirsty. There'was? nothing unusual in this,.; but....'.the*'worthy old man, being tired, decided to send the bear down, to Tom Wilson's- tavern for a bottle of liquid joy, instead of going himself. The bear had made similar trips, so there was no reason why. the ■ deacon should blame himself for the tragedy which followed. f "The bear was on his way back from the tavern, carrying the bottle in his nuuth, when right in the pathway he met the snake. At first the good bear vas going to crush the snake. . Then he noticed that in front of the snake was a big cup of whisky. I "The snake looked at the bear in a friendly way, as if inviting him to have a drink. The good bear loved booze. Of course, it was his duty to go. right home'with the bottle to the suffering deacon. .But he couldn't withstand the .temptation.; "So he pushed the snake away and! drank up all there was in the sup. Then, he picked up the bottle in bis teeth and was on the point of start- ' ing home. "But the treacherous anake got in front of the bear and began waving . his head and beckoning in a manner that showed plainly enough he was inviting the, bear to come with hinrand have some more. The' bearhesiduty and the thirsty dearostfaad shambled after the snake into the barn. "In the rear of the barn, right out: on the floor, stood an open pall flftft of ■' the bear's favorite bear * applied himself to _i* £ £s. hearty, earnest fashion-'"""' ' i . " •The be*£' had the fepaeity of four but the pailful was considerable, of a contract at that. In the ' md he finished it. /But by that time he was- far a bear that would have won blue ribbons at a temperance meeting./ r "As soon as the treacherous snake «w that tire bear was in a condition of blissful inebriety, he beckoned him n-er to another corner biwhieh stood . small can of nitroglycerin. The bear jwayed about over the can in a manner which made the snake far from comfortable, .but in the end the bear lowered his head and tasted the glycerin. Then he .lapped up every drop of the sweetish stuff, the snake looking on in an anxious, but satisfied manner: .- ■ ' "When the bear was properly loaded the snake led the way out of the barn to the road. The bear followed, but wabbly. When they reached a place where a steep, rocky bank sloped down • from the side of the road, the snake- : turned off. He gave another wavy. ' beckoning motion of his head Then he darted-off. "The bear, trusting in the wicked, treacherous snake and filled with blissful visions of'more drinks , and sweet things, tried to break into a run so as to keep up with the snake. * But the best of bears cannot run after Jrinking a pailful of stuff that cheers and stimulates. The bear lost his f botng, fell and went with a crash to the bottom of the rocky slope. \ "For the next few seconds It rained jobd bear. The snake, too, was only i few feet from the bear when he exploded and he had to enjoy his re- .' rengein small fragments. •'• "Deacon Todgera waited thirstily all' light for the return of the bear and ] the the morning he went rot to search for both. He saw the lole in the ground and the little f ragnents of bear on the trees near by. rhe good deacon was puzzled. ) " Tve heard of explosive tempers,', 1 ie said in sorrowing tones, 'but this is Jie first time I ever heard of an explosive bear. To think that a creature ! ;hat Tve taught and cherished should eave me in such an abrupt manner ind take the bottle with him.' "It wesnt until Tom Wilson conessed, that people understood'what xad happened. Tom war grieved and A vexed, too. , ft]