Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 451, 8 December 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

QUITE,'CORRECT. TEACHER: 'Now, Tommy, would it be proper to Bay, You. can't learn ma nothing?' Tommy : ' Yes'm.' Teacher : 'Why?' : Tommy ; ' 'Cause yer can't.' what ]ke waited. •>• , Tramp: 'lt's heedless to waste words, madam. You know what I want.' Mrs Banger: ' Yes, I know what you want badly, but* I've-only got one bar of soap in tho house. Come again some other time.' *•■•''' THE IRISftjflAN AND THE PIPE. An Irishman was comfortably seated in a tram car with a pipe in his mouth. i 'No smoking allowed 1' shouted the conductor.' ... | 'l'mnot smoking.' | 'But you've a pipe in your mouth.' I ■ ■.'.;' Sure, an' I've my boots on my fate, but I'm not walking!' Jr , MUSICAL TOUCH. 'Your son has a fine touch, Mr : Moriarty?' | ' Yis ; an' sure 'tis no wonder he loves the Y-iano, and never tires of it. He has great taste for music, and this is only natural, for his grandfather had his head broken with a cornet at a picnic !' QUITS. :> 'Mr Deeply,', said the hostess,'' won't you oblige us with one more song ?' 'Oh, really,' replied the eminent bass, ' the hour is so late I'm afraid my singing will disturb the neighbours!' ' Never mind that! They've got a dog whose howling disturbs us at night too 1' A CONDUCTOR. The wealthy practical uncle was talking over the prospects of his nephew with the lad's mother. ' How is he doing in his studies V 'Very well, He is very accomplished. He shows a great talent for music, and his manner is very haughty. His musio teacher thinks he will become a conductor.' ' Ah, indeed. Orchestra or omnibus ?' MUTATION. . ~. "V s .SUMMER. Same old strolling On the shore; Same old breakers, Same okT'roar; Same old sunset, Same old moon; ',.,:■; Same old story, Same old spoon. AUTUMN. Same old parlour In the town; .Same old father, M§ : ?: Same old frown; '■• . Same old nonsense—- ' Preciouspearl;'" ■.■ " Same young fellow, Different girl. ".' — ■ y OF OWE OPINION. Affected Youth : ' You can always tell a gentleman, don't ye know, by his collar and cuffs. I am always particular about ■ that.' . Old Gentleman: ' Yes, and if I were you E father, I should be particular to see that you were properly collared and cuffed.' QUITE SIMPLE. ' Father : 'ln what year, my boy, the battle of Waterloo fought ?' Son: ' I don't know.' Father: 'lt's simple enough. I wish they gave artificial memory exercises at your school. This is the way to remember dates. Think of the twelve apostles. Add half that number to them. That's eighteen. Multiply that by 100.That's 1,800. Take the twelve apostles again. Add a quarter of their number to them. That's fifteen. And what you've got. That's 1815. That's the date. Quite simple, you see, to remember dates if you only-have a system.' ADYISED. He entered the meteorological office, and said, in his jerky way : ' This 'ere's where you give out weather predictions, ain't it ?', The clerk nodded. 'Well.' continued the young man, 'I thought as how I would come up and give you sonio tips.' ' Yes ?' said tho clerk, politely. ' Yes, I've watched very carefully, an 1 find that ye ain't always right.' ' No ; we sometimes make mistakes.' ' Course you do. We all* do sometimes. Now, I was thinkin' as how a line that used to be on the auction handbills down in our part of the' country might do fustrate on your weather predictions, an' save you a lot of explainin'.' ' What was the line ?' ' Wind and weather permitting.' Then he went out without waiting to say gpod-bye. _ "•■".'..-'* '.' CONUNDRUMS. How many sides are jfehere to a tree-?. •—Two —inside and outside. What is that which grows with its roof' upwards, only in winter, and is nover seen in smniher?—lcicle.®-. ..;.->, ... What word is Mat of five syllables, from which, if you take one away, no syU|Jse remains?— Monosyllable, jik ''*. iv Why is the Monumenfejjpce note paper and envelopes?— is'always r stationary. ■':'"/''fr-'' Take away my first lette&|akc away all my otters, and I am stiuptt.Bamo."«Thopostman. .;,... * \

OPPORTUNITY. Outside the castle waiLs one called tor aM, A page wt.o dailied with a lute Inside Peered from the close-barred casernes t, half-airaid—-"Fast by my lady' 9 door I muit abide," He said, while o'er the strings hi* finger* ctrared /r.i sweetly chimed hi* young voiee with the lute. "The windows here, you see. are strait and high. Yet fear not, friend, boMljr to give thy cry. If guard* are deaf I wot thou art not mixta." And then again that shout r*n« through the airIt came to knight and squire who »at at Play. And one cursed at the warders, wonderlsft where They quaffed their wine ard drowsed the time away. And then one of a princes" smile did swear. One toH of what be bail Ir.dured In elege. Another boasted of his sword and shield. One tossed his dice, and cried: "To none I yield In willingness to serve my Icing and liege-." And yet once more that cry of bitter needIt pierced the inner closet of the king, ."Who at the sound of anguish ran with speed, L«ea.vtr.g his greybeards at their counelllng Of war, and state, of ehureh, and priest, and creed. And oped a gate, and drew the man halfdead Within the wails. "Had w«e but known." cried all In sore dismay, "it was the prince's call—" "Te knew it was a man's!" the old king said. —Asnlne M. L. Hawee, in Youth's Companion.