Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 450, 1 December 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

REQUIRED WARNING. STRANGER: «I'm from Noo York! Amurrica.' . s Waiter (who ha,3 not been tipped) : ' Right yer. bar, sir, I'll warn the other guests.' ■ • :.?*s.£ '•-, : . :-. MAKING LOYE. Hortense : 'Do you really think I'm different from other girls ?' •; Algernon : ' I hope so, my dear. All the others refused me..' SUMMED UP. ' .'' A' boy—a match—- ; A strong, cigar-?:-.,, - '.. ■ i A period of bliss —then gloom— A doctor—a nurse— A'coffin—a hearse— A mound—and then a tomb. NOT SATISFACTORYMrs. Jay worker: *So you are going to leave me, Bridget; haven't I treated you like one-of the family ?' Bridget: 'lndade, yo have, mum, an* I've shtood it as long as Oi'm going to 1' HOW TO WARM IT- . A young woma'n who had received a proposal of marriage considered she '"Was entitled to security for her lover's affection, and asked, '.' An' suppose, Murty, yer lav grows cowld?' ' Thin, bejabbers,' said Murty, ' ye'lTfiev to put more shugar in me tay. COMPETITION. A farmer, . during a long-continued drought, invented a machine for watering his fields. However, the very first day while he was trying it there suddenly came on a ; downpour of rain and he was heard to remark—' Ye can dae naething noo a-days without competition.' OUT BUYING SLUMPS. Mrs. Newlywed : ' Have you any nice slumps this morning?' Butcher: 'Slumps? What are they ?' Mrs. Newlywed : ' Indeed, I don't know; but my husband is always talking about,a slump in the market, and I thought I would like to try some.' THE NEW TENANT The new tenant had rented a house and was about to sign the lease, when the agent remarked: ' Of course you understand that there is no bathroom in the house.' '. 1 Dot makes me no difference,'was the reply. 'Ve only wants it for von year,' A SUPPOSITIONRegular Customer (disposed to be faee« tious): ' I guess you'll have to trust for this paper till morning.', 1 Oh, that's all right, Mr Brown.' R.C. : ' But supposo. I was to be killed between now and to-morrow,' ' Well, the loss would not be much, sir.' ALAS! I lovo a lass ; but oh, alas 1 The lass she loves not me. ■ Though fain am I to wed the lass, Alas! it may not be. For when I askod the lass, alas I The lass she said me nay ; And so, alas! I lack a lass— Alas ! Alack-a-day ! SOMEBODY DID. The bride and bridegroom sat side by side. ' 'Dearestl' he said, looking up into her eyes. ' Yes, love I.' she responded in soft, frightened-mouse tones. ' If I had known that tunnel was so long r I would have kissed you.' ' Didn't you kiss me?' she asked ia great surprise. '■*. ' No,' he replied. • 'Well, somebody did!' IN A TRAMWAY CARA short time ago I had occasion to visit a neighbouring town," and on arriving there boarded a car to take me to my destination. Seated opposite me was a man with a little , child on his knee. In due course the ponductor came around for the fares,.and when he reached my vis-a-vis the latter tended him a penny. ' Tuppence, please,' said the conductor. ' You can't charge, for,the little 'un,' retorted the passenger/ .* ' How old is she ?' queried the conductor, • Two years,' returned, the passenger. Barely had he finished speaking when the child looked up into'hWtface and piped out in a shrill voice. ' No 1 *!; ain't, daddy, I'se 'free.'' ■ >. - The conductor-,beamed, the passengers- ; grinned, and the culprit shortly afterwards got:out»;:; .'• ■'".' yV.'ife^'•; ;" .■; ' - CONUN DRUMS. Why is 0 the you can hear ? , «r-All the others are inaudible (in audible), i ; When can a fair Vtiand best light tut through the gloom $1 l%?~Wheu it has sßfy&£fasft& " '•■','<' ::: - ' '