Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 448, 17 November 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

+ . QUITE TRUE. HAIRDRESSER: 'Hair's very thin, sir!* Customer : ' It was very much thinner thirty years ago.' Hairdresser: 'Dear me, sir, you surprise, mo! Why, you don't look more than thirty now, sir !' Customer: ' Thirty yestorday J' THE POTATO BUG. A farmer seut a dollar for a lightning potato-bug killer, which he saw advertised in a paper, and received by return mail two blocks of wood, with the directions printed on them as follows: «Take this block, No. ly in the right hand ; place the bug on No. 2, and press them together. Remove the bug, and proceed as before.' THE FATE OF THE PRESCRIPTIONDoctor: 'Well, Mr Jenkins, did you follow my prescription ?' Jenkins: ' No. If I had, I should haye broken my neck.' Doctor:'' Why, what do you mean ?' Jenkins: ' I threw the prescription out of the window.' •• NEXT. ' I saw yoa out on your bicycle the ether day when there was such a high wind blowing.' ~ ' Yes; I punctured both tires before I got home.' ' Have to walk?' ' No, you see the wind was so strong it kept both tyres filled through the punctures, and I never found out they were burst until next day.' THE DIFFERENCE. She, complainingly : ' Before we were married you used to bring mo flowers almost every day, but now you never think of buying me even a bunch of violets.' He, gallantly : ' The pretty flower-girls don't attract my attention so much as they used to..' She : ' Oh, you darling ! .Never mind— I don't really care for flowers 1' AN ACCIDENT. 'Why, Johnnie, you've got a big lump on your head. Have you been fighting agaiti, you disgraceful boy ?' 'Fighting? Not met' ' But somebody struck you ?' ' Nobody struck ma. I wuzn't fightin' at' all. It was an accident.' ' An accident?' ' Yes. I was sitting onTommie Sanders, and I forgot to hold his feet.' YERY SLOW. ' Fcudarson is a good enough fellow, but he is terribly slow at seeing a joke.' 'ls ho?' ' He slipped on a pioce of orange-peel the other day, and had a fall. Everybody laughed, but Fendorsou couldn't see the point of the joke' 'Not surprising.' ' Ho saw it about twenty-four hours later, however, when another fellow did'the tame thing.' THE IMPORTANT PART. Mr Sampson (passionately) : ' I love you devotedly, Miss Chumley, but my pecuniary affairs ha\o prevented "my making a declaration until now. But I have put enough away now to feel justified in asking you to become my wife.' Miss Chumley (hesitating, but sweetly): ' I confess that I am not wholly indifforent to you, but—but ' ' But what, dear ?' ' Would you mirid telling mo how much you have put away ?' ~: SO WAS HE. A youth purchased a new hat at a shop kept by a man of the name of J. Dodging) and left his old one to bo done up, premising to call for it in two days' time, and then pay for the new one* Day after day went on, and he never appeared. He went to .his J business another way. So the hatter, becoming tired of waiting for his money, wont one morning in search of him, and meeting tho cheat, he exclaimed: 'Now, then, young man"; I've got you. I'm Dodging the hatter.' ,*.-.• The young fellow coolly exclaimed, sr ~1 How. strange 1 I am doing the very .;samsshing.' - CONUNDRUMS. ..- What insect does a,-blacksmith manufacture. - He makes the fire-fly. What is the difference between forms and ceremonies ?—You sit upon ot e and stand upon the other. What is the difference betweon a baby and a pair of shoes ?—One I was and the other f wear (wore), '-•• " -

ALWAYS A SOMETHING. Thar* to ftlwan T"JK>m«tMn«. whateww your lot; m ". And. oh! how that something annoy*! Though the merest of specks, it becomes a big blot—- ▲ pans; at the heart of your Joys. .What mature th* manifold bleseitvgi you're cot. If there's one tittle ekrod la the blue? gfcere is always a soms&lng. Whateret your lot. Mtofl if It's not one thln«—H'e two! If Jt wasn't tor som*4htag left in or left oat. Our happiness would be complete; Tta the lack of on* room that we worry about. Or the dwelling iM on the wrong street II w • only were thin, if we only were stout. If we had something different ** do; There is always a something left in or left out, 'JCDA if it's not one thing—it's two! Thar* la always a something, as eertein as fate, _ A fly in the ointment we meet; A* rich and the poor, and the lowly and groat. Find bitter mixed in with the sweet. For each baa an If with his neighbors to make, And U follows this changing life through: Taer* is always a something, as certain aa fata, mad if it's not one thing—it's two! ~B«nUr Mao Culloch. in K. T. Weekly.