Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 446, 3 November 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

SPITEFUL. O'ROURKE (who is being lowered down a well): ' Hold on, Oi want to come,up again.' Finnegan: 'An' what phor?' O'Rourke: 'None av your bizness. If you don't stop litting' mo down, Oi'll cut th' rope.' • , ONE FOR FREDDIE. Freddie : ' Look at the elephant moving his great big fins !' Mother: ' Those are his ears, dear. What use has an elephant for fins ?' Freddie: I s'pose he can use 'em when his head swims, can't he ?' '*,?; NONSENSE RHYMES. A charming young named Cholmondeley, ■ In figure and feature most colmondeley, ' rlra '■''- Will he Mrs Golquhoun . ■ .'*"'. On the second of Jolquhoun, And pronounce her new name just as rol« mondeley. A SIMPLE EXPLANATION. Kitty: 'Have you worn spectacles long, Mr Borem ?' . Mr Borem: 'Yes, I've been shortsighted for a long time, Kitty ; in fact, I was born blind 1' Kitty : 'Oh 1 Then that's why Sis calls you a puppy I' A PROUD MAN. 'Fellow-trabelers,' said a coloured preacher, impressively, the other day, 'ef I had been eatin' dried apples for a week, and then took to drinkin' for a monf, I couldn't feel more swelled up dan I am dis mini* wid pride and wanity at seein' such full 'tendance har dis evenin'. THE HONEST BORROWER. Boy : ' Say, Mr Smith, hero's that spade pa borrowed of you last summer.' Mr Smith (sarcastically) : ' What made him send it back so soon?' Boy: 'He noticed that you'd got a new one, and he wants to borrow that. This one's almost worn out.' FISHERMAN AND POLICEMAN. A Northern village is noted for a policeman who is inquisitive, a girl who acts as ' postman,' and an old fisherman noted for his wit. One day the policeman and the fisherman were talking together when the ' postman ' went past. ' It's not often ye see a woman for a postman,' said the policeman. ' No.' replied -the old salt,. ' nor is it very often ye see an «ad woman for a pollis!' PAT IN A FIX. An Irishman, on getting married, thought he would like to spend his moneymoon in the city. On arrival he came to a very busy: thoroughfare, and seeing such a lot of traffic, he was so bewildered that he wondered how he could cross the road in safety. Suddenly he said to his bride : 1 Shurc, I have it, me darlint. Oi'll got across safe first, and then came back and fetch you.' TO THE POINT. A gentleman rejoicing in the name of Jenkins was invited to speak at a certain meeting, and, being a person of littlo im> ' portance, was placed last on tho list of speakers. Several gentlemen whose names were not on the programmo had aired thoii! eloquence, and tho audience was becoming restless, when .the chairman, introducing the visitor, said:' 'Mr Jenkins will now give us his address.'' ■■*'' .... -""'

'Dear friends,'said Mr Jenkins, rising t ' my address is 102, First Eoad, and I wish you all good-night;'

OUR SERVANT GIRL

A servant l girl was'onco encouraged by her mistress to have her likeness.taken. To her surprise, the maid returned with a very rod face, and - burning with indigna.ion. * You see, ma'am;' she said,' I didn't like the looks of thsit camera man squinting through .the; Bpy.rglass under a green shawl, so when h)s baoKwas turned I went v" and had a squint on my own, an' if I didn|t see everything upside • down I I saw hia little tricks jn a minute; he was going to take my likeness stqod on my head. Not me I No, ma'am, not me. going toimake no such exhibition of me, if - I knew hV; so I ran away home again as hard as I could,'