Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 444, 20 October 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

' -"" •">■—— A LOYE.ABLE CHARACTER. SINGLETON : ' How did you come to fall in love with your wife ?' Littleton: ' I married her for her money, and afterwards discovered that she possessed twice as much as she claimed to hav9. JYUSUJVDERSTOOD. 'Oh, for the wings of a dove 1' sighed the poet with the unbarbered hair. ' Order what you like,' rejoined the prosaic person, ' but as for mo, give me the breast of a chicken.^ PECULIAR. Sympathetic-looking Lady : ' But why do you bog ?' Disreputable One: ' 'Cause I oan get no work, rojim, and my wife's a widder with five children, and they looks to me for support..' UTILISING tfER RESOURCES. ' For heaven's sake, Mary, what are you doing with that egg-beater?' ' Sure, mum, didn't the master tell ma as he wanted me to mix 'im some lather f'r th' shavin' iv him ?' RETALIATION A cowardly fellow having kicked a newsboy for pestering him to buy an evening newspaper, the lad waited till another boy accosted the ' gentleman,' and then shouted in the hearing of the bystanders, ' It's no use to try him, Jim—ho can't read I' RESTORED. The sudden frigh,t ' Unnerved her quite, ' She fainted dead away. Her hair turned white In a single night— But she turned it brown next day. BEFORE AHD AFTER. ' Oh, George,' complained a young "wife, 'it wai nearly midnight before you got home last night!' 'Well, well,' exclaimed the husband, ' you women are so inconsistent I Before We were married you didn't care howlatd I got home!' IN A CROWDED CAR. "

' Isn't it time you, got off?': queried the young lady in the tramcar. 'Oh, no;' replied the young man, I who was hanging to the strap. 'I go some way yet.' ' I mean off my foot.' ■":'■''

STUCK B'GOSH. ~,.-, Farmer -Medders: ' But I thought Widder Jones wa'n't goin' ter take no mora summer boarders.' Parmer Whiffletree : ' Wal, she took one 0 f 'em fer better or wuss last year, an' now s he's got ter take more ter support him,' MISTAKE^. '•' Doctor,' said the patient, afteis paying his bill, ' if there is anything in the theory of the transmigration of souls, you'll be. a war-horse after.death.' 'That sounds rather flattering,'. remarked the doctor. ■■:, ' Yes—you're such a splendid charger V THE PROPER TIME TO GATHER FRUIT. The schoolmaster was explaining to the class the nature and uses of various, fruits and what time of the season they were gathered. . ; - ' When is the proper time for gathering apples?' the master asked. A sturdy young pupil got up. and said ; ' Please, sir, when the dog's on the chain!' . .» THREE OF 'EM.. A certain railway station in Savinnah is surrounded in all directions with saloons and cheap restaurants. Over one of these saloons, in great illuminated letters, could be seen the sign, 'Open all night.' Next to it was a restaurant bearing iii equal pro» minence the placard, 'We never close. Third in order was a Chinese laundry in a little tumble-down hovel, and on tho front of. this building was the sign, in great scrawling letters, ' Me wakee, too I' THREE AT A TIME. Scene : Concert in village' schoolroom in a mining district in the North, j Three ladies came on the platform to sing a trio towards the end of a very long programme, for the conclusion of which two miners in the audience were waiting. First Miner : ' Billpl canna stand this no longer; come and have some beer.' . Second Miner (intelligently): ' Hold on a bit, Jim. They're hurrying up; they're a putting on the songs three at a time.'

DIDN'T KJNOW. 7 An old negro was taken ill and called in a physician of his race to presoribe for him. But the old man'did not seem to be getting better, and finally a white doctor was summoned.- '■_,.- Soon after arriving the latter felt the darkey's pulse for a..moment)' and then examined his tongue. :'« Did your other doctor take your tenu perature?' he asked. •' I don't know, sab,' the patient answered feebly. ' I hain't missed anything but my watch as yit.' \

THE PATCH. At school little Charlie, being one of the geography class; was deeply interested in learning the points of the compass. Said the teacher :.' You have m front of you the north ;on the right, the east:, on the left, the west. What have you behind you V After a few moments' reflection, Charlie exclaimed :—' A patch on my pants.-' And to make the information more binding Charlie continued in a shamefaced manner: ' I knew you'd see it; I ,told mamma you would. ■ v - ;•„. r '

- cool;, -,"■ . ' ; .•* , A certain workman had been asked by another to go to his house, to tea, but before the day appointed arrived the latter' met him again, and asked did he mind . postponing his visit as some ' folko'quality had written they were coming on that day. , 'Oh, not at all,', replied the man ad«'.„./,■.'• • dressed, who nevertheless felt slightly hurt '■ ■■'■ at the fact of his being asked; to stay away , just because more 'genteel- visitors than 4. himself were VexpectMii' It can, therefore, 'A-;. only be imagined hpw much' more Jntensi- *" fied those feeliagSa|were. when bis;pseudo host added, 'Andi : J|sayi old you ■ mind landin' me -your Sunday, boat to ; entertain 'em in,"? .'cause mine's ,get:SO- i shabbylooking?' „',/'.-. ;, , ■ ■ -~;3v' ■■ ■ '■•