Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 22 September 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

COMPLIMENTARY. DOBSON : 'I would like you to meet my wife.' Bleeckor ; ' Indeed ?' Dobson: 'Yes. I'm tired of hearing her say that I. am the biggestfool she ev«rsaw. DESCRIPTION. Detective : ' But you don't seem able to describe the man who swindled.you.! • Uncle Josh : ' What ? Ain't I teUin' yer he was the smartest-lookin' feller I ever :,een!' A FORMULA. Clarence:. 'l'm going to ask old Jones or his daughter's hand. '.What's a good way to begin?'' Algy : ' Oh* spring a few other jokes on him first, and see how he takes them.' RATHER ABSENT-MINDED. Wife : ' A man.has just dropped in front uf our door. He says he is dying of starvation.' Absent-Minded Professor: 'I have no uime now, darling. Tell him to call again iuVwcok or so.' '.'• \ ACCOUNTED FOR." John :\How did you get your black eye,Mike?' V , Mike : ' Well, yer see, I was out a-lookin' for trouble, anckdis 'ere eye was de fust to find it.' \ WAITING Ffflß HIS PARCEL. Drygoods Dealol (politely,- to customer whohasmadea puVchascJ—Won't you sitdown, sir, while waiting for your packago ? Customer—Well,! I have been sitting down more or less. 'Haven't you got a bed handy so that I can lie down ? TRUE. That's that?' said the newly-hired maid, pointing to the folding bed in her room. ' A folding bed,' was the reply. 'lf that's th' case,' remarked the girl,'OL can't shtay here. Oi never cud shlape shtandin' up.' THE REASON WHYA man being in the. habit of keeping vqry late hours was much surprised on returning, home in the hours of early morning, to see his wife sitting up' dressed in widow's weeds. He: ' Whatever have you those clothes on for.' She ; ' I am in mourning for my late husband.' ■_ . .•:.,; WILLING TOO HELR. An English officer quartered,hi Dublin was greatly annoyed by having his boots brought to him each morning by his Irish servant tightly laced to the top, and care-' fully tied. At last one day he asked him what ho meant by it. ' Share, sor,' said Pat, ' an' I thought it would save yer honour the trouble of lacin' the same !' ■ HOW HE WOULD FIND OUTA lawyer was once examining, amine, and while coming up the shaft, ho observed a friendly clergyman standing at the top, watching his progress. The lawyer, thinking to say something smart, asked the parson : ' Doctor, as you know all things from the surface to the centre, pray, can you toll me this : How far is this pit from the one in the infernal regions ?' To which the clergyman replied : ' Well, I cannot tell the exact distance in miles; but if yotti«tgo your hold, you'll be there in a minute/" 1 ----. Whatever troubles-Adam had No man could make him soro By saying when ho mado a joke, <:;> ' I've heard that joke before.' An Irishman says it is folly to fight with a coloured man, bocause if the latter gets a blaok eye it does not show. The Prospective Bride: ' I sometimes wish I had more experience in housekeeping and domestic life.' • The Old Stag* : ' But, my dear, if you had you would never get married.'