Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 15 September 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

MIGHT CHANGE HIS JYIIND. SHE : ' This is. so sudden I I must have at least a week to think it over, 1 He: ' All right. Perhaps I'd better think it over myself at the same time.' DOWN ON THE FARjVI. ' I suppose,' said the farm hand who was looking for a job, ' you believe in the eighthour system?' ' Yes,' answered the farmer. 'I work eight hours in the forenoon, and eight in the afternoon, except in harvest times, then I usually put in three or four hours extra. A BAD LOOK-OUT-Squire : * Good morning, Miggs. How's your wife to-day ?' . Miggs : ' She's very bad, sir. Won't last • the night.' Squire : ' Dear me—that's bad news ! But why do you anticipate the worst ?' Miggs : ' Doctor said so, sir; and he's the only man living, as knows wot 'e give her.' THE IRONY OF FATE. Unsuccessful Suitor : 'Am I.so very obnoxious to you ?' Miss Freeman : 'No; I can imagine circumstances under which I might clasp my arms about your neck very gladly.' ' Thank heaven I Under what circumstances.' '.lf I were drowning and you were near.' IN THE COUNTY COURT. A well-known County Court Judge tells a story about a cross-examination of a bad tempered woman in his court. She was an Amazonian person. Her husband, obviously the weaker vessel, sat sheepishly listening. The opposing counsel pressed a question rather urgently, and she said, rather angrily, ' You needn't think to catch me ; you tried that once before.' The barrister said, 'Madam, I have not the slightest desire to catch you ; and your husband looks as if he were sorry he did.' HE COULDN'T FIND IT. A gentleman engaged a lad to do the odd jobs about the yard and stables, and to make himself generally useful. One day he took a pair of boots to him, and said: ' Now, Bob, lad clean these boots, and put some elbow grease on.' A few minutes later he was surprised to,. see Bob coming towards him in great haste, % and was fairly done when Bob said: * ' Please, sir, Where's the pot with the elbow grease in?' IN SCHOOL, 'Johnny Samkins,' said the schoolteacher impatiently, ' what is it you ara fidgeting with ?' Johnny did not reply, but the class sneak was ready, as usual, with information. 'Please, teachor,' he said, 'it's a pin he's got.' ' Take it away from him and bring it here,' was the next command. And the offending pin was accordingly brought. There was no moro trouble from Johnny until his turn came to read, and then, instead of standing up, the poor little fellow made no sign, except that two big tears rolled down his cheeks. ' Why don't you go on with the reading V cried hi? much-tried mentor. 'lf you don't behave better, young man, I shall have to make an example of you I' 'P-ploase, mum,'whispered Johnny, 'I —I can't stand up 1 That pin you took ke-keeps ine trousers up 1' CURIOSITY. ' Let's go out and see what's burnm',' said Pat to Mike, at the theatre. ' What d'ye mean ?' ' Those two men behind us said that they were going to the foyer.' INQUISITORIAL. ' See here,' protested the charitable man, ' I gave you a shilling last week, and here you are again.' " ♦Well, gee whitaker!' exclaimed the beggar, ' ain't you earned anything since V CONUNDRUMS. What is the hardest key to turn! —A donkey. How would you swallow a door? —By bolting it. Why is a thump like a hat ?-r-Beoause it is felt. When is a horse not a horse ?—When it -s turned into a field.