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Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 15 September 1904, Page 3

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. ~: ;«';•;; '* _ .• BY MAX.wVUELBR. "If you only had a little capiu:; to invest,," said the y.ouag man, as he look a chair aiid sat down close to my rie&k, "I might put you in the way of a good tiling." "Mine?" ' "Oh, no. It's a petrifaction company; the Columbia Petrifaction company, of C'laiion county. I coul-J .; :.:e you 100 shares." "Wh at does the company do?" "Why, you know, it owns a liTne.«tor"3 spring up here in Clarion county. That spring used to belong to a man named Herkimer Jones. One day, wi.cn his well ran dtv, Jones went off and brought a bucket of water fro-.r. '.hat spring tind the family uiai.* it. What was the consequence? Next morning when the neighbors called, Herkimer Jones was sitting at the supper table turned to pcli-J stone. He had half of a sausr-s . . his mouth; that was turned to stone, too. So was Mrs. Jones, and Ellen P. Jones, and Herkimer Jones, Jr., and the baby. The limestone water did it. The heirs closed the whole lo.t out to a sculptor named Ferguson, who arranged them in a group and sold them to the British museum a* models from the antique. That is, excepting the baby. Ea put plaster paris wings on the baby aid passed him off as an original design of a Cupid." "What about the company?" "Well, you see, the company at onee bought up the spring property and they intend to go into the petrifying business upon a large scale. For example, s'pose'n you get a contract from congress to execute an equestrian statue of Gen. Washington. First you find a horse; you make that horse drink at the spring, and there he is! Perfectly splendid! Then you find a man who bears a sort of general resemblance to Washington. You arrange a picnic; get that man up there in the woods; offer him a drink; and in 11 minutes you can chip spalls off of him with a stone-chisel. Then you mount your man on yonr horse, and there you have a gronp of statuary such as Greece in her palmiest days would have given her jNottom dollar to get." J) "I see."

'•The company, you know, pwrpoees to have * fle country poorhouse located near to the spi *i°K '> an< * aB * n * president of the board of owns ®° ehares, we calculate to solidify pi\up*rt right along, without intermission, aa* 2& or #5 5 day. Don't you see what a magnificent prospect it open* up fop high art in America? We can hu?* 7 - ° r .: Say you want a statue of G'en. JaoksoiT *« the only available pauper ie too fat. What do we do? We petrify liini, and then we chip him down and touch up his countenance, maybe, with a chisel. Suppow yo« want a pair of saints to work into the froat door to a churoh. We select a couple of venerable vagrants, harden them, turn their noses clown, to give them dignity of expression, and the bricklayers then can build them right into the door jambs." "Suppose the demand for that kisd oi statuary be small?" "Then we come dowm to a basis of utility it one?. S'posin' there's a pauper with inflammatory rheumatism in his leg? We petriff him. We sell him to a doctor. That d\ etor cuts off the leg with a marble saw, a*, d there he has that inflammatory rheurc itisvn right before him turned into granil.;. S'posin' one of them has a torpid liver? in two hours the doctors can examine that uver just as if it was a brickbat, with the torpidily sticking out all over it. Mind you, if the supply of paupers holds out, I venture to say that the day is not far distant when you can take petrified livers, and hearts, and jsiiiscles,- and brain. two-story house with them, with all tt* modern conveniences, a mighty sight cheaper than you can build it out of common stone*. Imaghve living in a house made of ossified livers! Be unique, wouldn't it? It would attract attention. "I don't care for such things tojjHii, but—"

"Gen. Bangs, he tried aomecuriousexpertments with the water out of that spring. lie threw a bucketful on « cat that was jumpv ing about on his back fence one night; art|£"" there she is now, fur up, tail elevated, open, picturesque and natural as life! Next, night he soused another one; same effect cf course; and now Gen. Bangs has 13 ex- ' qnisite statuette* of cats in various atti* Uides of sjrace ranged around on hi* fence. Ferguson, the sculptor, told him heeouldn't have-had those cats done in Carrara marble in Europe under $60,000. But, of course, you have to be careful when you have the Co-jlur.-bia water around. Gen. Bangs kept hi* sin a Lane!, and the other day his mother-in-law filled a pitcher from it, accidentally, :and took a drink. One hour later k took six men to carry her to the window «o they, could lower her to the pavement with •> derrick. She weighed nearly a ton, and waa so hard you couldn't crack her with a sledge* hamper". Ti.c general was sorry,-of course; and after he had her mounted on a revolving pedestal lie kept her in his frlfiit parlor for a while, inning her off onwfefriends aa an unpolled statue of Minervar*»t, finally, as t:i:e cxiilid unpleasant comments, he had her cut into .-labs and put into' his daaneterjr lot aa tcinh.? tones. He had the gratifying re!;, 'ti'o.i l..at she is near those who were dear -o her. Let me tell you that if our codvri y once gets to work, and pauper* are p 1 ity, a man who wants a variegated tom-i: >ne can get something that will please hi* la. at rales that will make the'marble--ya:J: :>'.?. «»«k." • "jt . 's 'ike a good thing, but I believe J vie': .:-.;« '.o go into it." "i'li ..ui what I'll do. I'm a little :pre- on loi money now, and if you'll buy 30 'share . you may take them at half price, an- '■'■' '■■■ ': i' v any of your relations you say ifor n.-.l .'ir.g. How's "1 ;.;-.ve no relations'that I want in that condition." 4>»•:s'o aunt, or grandmother, or anything ■ that would work up well into a table top, or r. 3;r.b for a fixed washstand!" "No." "And you're going to throw away this efcann of ; >yo:noting aesthetic culture and of enri'ti ■;■■■' g the lo.ve for the beautiful in yonr own ■■■■ i i-ti.v'r" >.*» ", i'M "j-. ;ii! f.,id S o." x . -, ■ ;*Jf T'..t ,v v.: g man shook his head arid sighdv ■m ii '. ■ '. '. avd't'y bear to thing .of thjrae-' gtr-.> i ■ii' ■:■ tirfitis, :>nd then 4 T«i.«J. yiui lendjmo a quarter, anyhow?" I let.; i: to i,im,'and he went away with a snlfj;;"- pi ovv.sc to rtpay it on themorrow. Bui i.c m .>« have gone to Europe to sell his ■bare?. i'o.* he never returned. —N. Y. Weekiy. * Rollccliipim of a Btaob «■!©*•. Women wo: 1: statistics just they, way they - So do •<{(.. Jlo; •■: makes the mare go, but horse* jnak ' > money go. Fii>t. ing married couples learn to quargel rjifi • -i riot to. ]!'.?;• • nt black-haired women wani fh<. . ;■ red and gray-haired women •jrn.ii i . > : c black. AV I •, knows about mechanics fe '.■ !.' :i tie use to him when he tries to pi:, i . i'ci-nu.ee into commission for tbi* Briutci-. -\. x. Press. ,