Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 1 September 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

WELL qualified—Wcmld-be Orator—- ' Do you th-th-ihink make a public speaker ? I sta-ar'a-mor, you see. *• Professor- of Elocution—Why, certainly, sir. You'd make an excellent auctioneer. - -.;.. .." '■:'&?'. -

Ajaiah feels blue with ,trouble, red with rage;, white: with feary with envy, and green with jealousy. " •'-."

Wibble—Did you ever know any one's hair to turn gray from sorrow? Wobble— Can't say that I did. I have often seen an old widower's hair turn -from gray to black about seven or eight months after burying the partner of his joys and troubles.

Tourist: ' Great heauens! ,Can this be real, or is it only my imagination ?' Lion : ' Well, if it isn't real, it will be a striking example of a man being carried away by his imagination.'

Commercial .Traveller (to newsboy at a Scottish railway station) : ' I say, when docs tho next train go.'

Boy (after scratching his head for an instant) : '' A woo whiley aiftor she whustles.'

She: ' A well-known writer says tha" in order to succeed a man must be ninetyfive per cent, backbone.' He : ' Oh, I don't know- A good many who have managed to get on arc ninety-five per cent, cheek.'

Teacher : ' Name one bird that is now extinct.' Little Bessie : ' Dick!' Teacher : ' Dick ? What sort of a bird is that?' Little Bessie : ' Our canary; the cat extincted him !' • • HERSELF TO BLAME. She—l wish you could forget that you married me for my money. He—You won't let me. Don't I have to ask you for money every time I need any ? NEVER SATISFIED. 'Ah,' he sighed, 'if you only gave me the least hope* I' 'My gracious!' retorted the hard-hoartcd belle. ' I've been giving you the least I ever gave to any man.' ! FOR INSTANCE. Ikcy : ' Fader, vot do dey mean by ' a lofdy ideal' ?' His Father: ' Veil, it might bo an ambition to own von of dem dvendy-fivo shtorey puildings. A TIME-SAYING DEYICE. "Mistress: 'Oh, Norah, when you sot the table you placed the knives on the left side, where you should-have put the forks.' Norah: ' Indadc, ma'am, an' that's aisily put roight. Oi'll turran the table round-' INVISIBLE SUPPORT. ' What's the charge against this man, officer?' Officer : ' No visible means of support.' ' What have you to say in answer to the charge ?' 'lt's correct, your honour. My wife isn't visible at the present writing.' JWOST LIKELY. Mistress: "■' Did any one else call while I was out,' Jane ?' Jane: ' Yis, mum. Wan gintloman wus afthercallin', mum.' Mistress: ' What was his name ?' Jane : ' Moike. O'Rafferty, mum, an' he wus glad to foind you out as he wus to foind me in, Oi'mthinkin' mum.' NOTHING TO BE GAINED. Little Son : ' What was you and Mr de Bate talkin' so loud about ?' Father : 'We were having an argument about the duty on copper. He thinks it ought to be removed, and I think it ought not.' .''.1.1 ' Little Son : ' Would removing it make pennies any cheaper?' Father; 'No, my son.' Little Son: ' Then I don't sec the use of bothering with it.'

DAISY'S CQNUNDRUJfI. • 4 little girl was with her-parents at luncheon-, and had her hands demurely under the table. Suddenly she said: ' Mother, you and father cau't guess what I have under the table ?' Then, after the manner of parents who like to please their children, they guessed all kinds of things, hut without success. So they said: ' Give it up. Tell us, Daisy.' Then the mite, drawing her face up in a grimace, gravely replied: ' A stomachc-ache, daddy !' HE HARDLY KNEW. ■ The other day a fasionably-dresscd young man was walking down the street, when his hat was blowfly off his head by a gust of wind. , . A barefooted and bareheaded urchin, scenting a tip, gave chase to the rolling headgear, captured it, and immediately returned it to its owner, who, after carefully wiping the hat with a highly-perfumed handkerchief, put it on his head, and, taking his purse out, selected a whole halfpenny, which he presented to the expectant arab. When the hitter's mind took in the tre : mendbus valuo of the coin, his speech deserted him so completely that he was unable to thank the generous donor. ' Well,' said the latter, smiling graci ously, ' what will you do with the money, my boy?' 'Do wiv it?' gasped the urchin, as he stared fascinated at the halfpenny. 'Do wiv it ? That's what I'mdehatin' of.- lin thinking whether I ought to purchiss a houjtfit an' start for Klondike, or steal a march on Pierpoint Morgan, and make a combine. What would yer advise, ycrself, sir?' GRIJfI BUT TRUE. Ho was a very seedy and pale, but withal a droll, specimen of the hard-up citizen. Tho north-wind whistled through his meagre attire as he stopped an, olderly gentleman, and asked for aid. ' What do you do for a living ?, asked the benevolent old man. < The beggar smiled grimly and held up a tattered coat-sleeve. ' I've been collecting rents for some time past,' ho said, lugubriously. . The elderly man saw the point, and ins eye twinkled as ho gavo the rent-collector sixpence.