Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 1 September 1904, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

WHEN a man can go into a pawnshop without a quickening of the pulse or a heightening of colour, it is a sign that he has been there before. ' Good men, you know, are scarce.' ' Yos, I know; and even bad men have to make themselves so at times.' Gramercy : ' I understand that this rich old maid married a struggling young man ?' Parke: ' Yes, he struggled, but he couldn't get away!' ' What are the holes for ?' asked little Edna, looking at the porous plaster that her mother was preparing to adjust on Willie's back. ' It's funny you don't know that, Sis,' interposed Willie. 'They're to let the pain out, of course !' She—' Why do you object to take mc to the theatre in this hat ?' He—' Because I'm not prepared to fight the chap that sits behind you.' . Kitty, (to grandmamma, who has just arrived on a lengthened visit)—' Are you cold, grandmamma?'. Grandmamma—■ No, Kitty; why do you ask?' . Kitty—' Oh, because dad said he'd inako it hot for you when you came.' You may break, you ma"y shatter Man's heart if you will; But it always is good for Another break still! She : ' What would you do if I were to dio?' He : ' Just what you would if I died.' She (weeping) : ' I didn't think you'd forget me so soon !' . • JiO USE. Mrs Jones : ' Why don't you lay up your money for a rainy day, Patrick?' Patfick: ' Shure 'twould be no use, mum, for Oi couldn't shpind it thin. Oi'm always laid up on a rainy day wid the rheumatism.' , HAD HEARD HIJfl. 'I believe,' said the minister, 'that it would be a good idea to have an 'S. K- o.' sign for our church, that we might use on occasion.

'Yes,' agreed the carping parishioner; ' I suppose it would mean ' sleeping room only.'' • T>(E PARENTAL EYE. 'Awl' exclaimed young B. Jabez Struckitt, as he admired the reflection of his first ' swallow-tail' in the mirror ; ' faw the first time in my life I feel as. if I was dwessed like a gentleman.' ' I'm sorry, Jabez,' said his mother, dubiously; ' but 'pears to me you look more like a waiter than ever!' NOT AUNTY, BUT UNCLE. A little girl entered a chemist's shop one day in a great hurry. The assistant, noticing, this, said: ' Well, my dear what for you ?' ' I want a box of your pills, ploase.' ' Antibilious ?' said he. 'No, sir,' replied the little girl, 'but uncle is.' IMPOSSIBLE. John Henry, coming home slightly elevated in the early hours of the morning, explained to his wife that his shaky condition was due to the fact that he had mixed his drinks. ' Well, John Henry,' said his wife ' when you have taken all the drinks you want you should ask for sarsaparilla.' ' Well,' replied John, ' when I have drunk all I want I can't say ' sarsaparilla,'' EARLY PROMISE. • ' Does my boy,' inquired the parent, 1 seem to have a natural bent in any one direction ?' 'Yes, sir,' said the teacher. ,'He gives every indication of being a captain of industry some day. He gets 'the other boya to do all his work for him.' TOO TRUE. Father: ' Your income is small, and that girl hasn't a penny in her own right.' ' Son : ' That's true ; but sho has lots of rich relatives, who are sure to remember her.' Father : ' That's the trouble. They will visit you by the dozen, eat you out of house and home, and outlive you both in the end.' DIDN : T LIKE IT. ' Did you ever see, a play, Aunt Martha ?' asked a lady of an elderly aunt from the country, who was spending a weok in tho city. 'Yes, Peter, I did,' was tho reply, ' When your Undo and me was married, we come to tho city on our bridal toWer, and we went to soe one of Mr'Shakespearb's pieces, called ' How Do You Liko It ?' And I didn't liko it a bit, and I ain't been since.' •;

THE PfllCE OF WISDOM. Richard : ' Life is too queer for met 1 Robert: ' What do you mean?' Richard: Why, by the time a man begins to understand gins he is so old and prosy that they won't look at him.' - ~'