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Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 18 August 1904, Page 7

Two Irishmen were moving some kegs of powder, when one noticed that the other was smoking, and the following conversation ensued:

' Look here! Aain't ye got any better sense than to be smoking whilst we're handling those 'ere kegs of powder ? Don't you know that there was an explosion yesterday, which blew up a dozen men 1' ' Faith, but that cud never happen here !' 'Why not?' ' Bekase there's only two of us on the job.' Bilkins (suffering from a bad cold): ' I met forty-five different acquaintances thia morning, and just forty-four of them told me of some cure for a cold.' Wife : ' Didn't the forty-fifth offer any advice ?' Bilkins : ' No ; he had a cold himself.' Maude : ' What makes you so awfully nervous, dear ?' Clara: ' Why, Fred is to have an interview with papa this afternoon.' ' Oh, and you are afraid your father will not give his consent?' 'No ; I'm afraid Fred won't show up.' HE FEARED THE WORST! A fat man walked into a restaurant, and, after knocking down a few hats while hanging up his own, sat as much of himself down as the only vacant seat in the room would hold. He grabbed a piece of the bread that had come with his right hand neighbour's order and began to munch it. Then he looked for the bill of fare. The ministerial looking man on his left was reading it. The fat man leaned over on him and began reading it too. 'How's them pork chaps and apple sauce?' he mumbled between mouthfuls of bread. The ministerial looking man said nothing and edged his chair a little further away. Just then the waiter appeared with a bowl of bean soup for a patron on the other side of the table. ' Hey, waiter,' bawled tho fat man, ' bring me one of them soups, and hurry up about it, will yea 1' The ministerial looking man heaved a sigh-of relief. ' Thank goodness, sir !' he said, turning to the fat man. ' I was so afraid you were going to order pork. I detest a cannibal.' —New York Sun. SOLD AGAIN. Pedlar: ' Please, mum, would you like'to buy a parrot ?' Mrs. Brickrow : 'No ; what on earth do you suppose I want with a parrot ?' .' Well, mum, it just occurred to mo that you might save a good deal of time if you had one. It's a pity to see a' intellectual woman like you obliged to waste time makin- calls on such a lot of ignoramuses as there is in this neighbourhood when you might just as well be talkm' to a parrot.' 'l'll take one.'

HIS LAST CHANCE. The young man had arrived in the village from the town, where ho had lived all his life. JMore ho had been in the village many weeks his new friend had listened to some thrilling accounts of his prowess,, and very soon all the village were made aware that in all games, athletics, &c, he had never met his master. Naturally, he soon had a lot of supporters , but after ■ the village ostler had beaten him at billiards, the grocer's boy had beaten him in a half-mile race, and the blacksmith had knocked him out in two rounds, the champion began to look a bit downcast, until one of his supporters said: ' Neuer mind, tha's a chance of a champi on ship yet.' 'Hows that?' gloomily asked the hero. 'Well, I'll tell thee,' replied his supporter. ' Bill Smith, the wheelwright, he's been the biggest liar round here miles, but I think tha can boat him.-'