SHORT STORY.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 18 August 1904, Page 7

SHORT STORY.

fPUBLIEHED BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT.]

The Coming of the General.

BY WALTER WOOD,

Author of 'Barrack and Battlefield,' 'A Captain in the Fusiliers,* &c, <Sx.

[COPYRIGHT.] g ■•■ HE General's coming down to inII spect us in a day or two—a sort of surprise visit-,' said the Colonel to the Senior Major. ' I'm afraid we're a bit rusty.' •Then he'll polish us up,'returned the Senior Major, smiling. ' I hope he won't make a mistake and polish us off,' observed the junior subaltern, with great affability, wishing to make himself agreeable all round. The Senior Major's smile vanished, and he stared hard at the junior. It was all very well for a field officer to make a little joke with the Colonel, but there was no reason why the mere * boots' of the battalion should venture upon one. Subalterns were creatures to hear and profit by what their seniors had to say, and to offer their opinions on things when they were asked to do so, and not before. • ' The General,' continued the Senior Major, still with a hard look at the junior, who was glancing round to see how his little joke had fallen, and who was becoming rather depressed by his scrutiny, ' is a man will by no possibility take any nonEcnse from anybody.' The Major glared, in expectation of some further remark by the junior; but the subaltern had seen a scowl on a comrade's face, and had heard from the comrade's lips a subdued hiss and what sounded very much like ' Shut up." He therefore kept silence, and the Major had to look for other prey. ' They tell me he's a hard man to please,' said the Colonel, ' and a fiend to make a battalion work. If that is so, he'll make things hot for some of us.' 4 We might do a worse thing,' said the Senior Major, virtuously, * than improve the shining hour between now and the time of tho General's visit. There'll probably be several things that some of us ought to look up, and for my part, I shall not spare the midnight oil or the wear and tear of my intellect.' The Senior Major was not without an element of the prig in him, and he never showed it more than at a time like this. He knew that, so far as he was concerned, there was not a general officer in the Army who was at all likely to trip him up over technicalities; just as he knew that the professional knowledge of his brother officers was at this particular stage at a low ebb.

' The General asks most unlikely questions about the most unlikely things,' said the Senior Major, as he prepared to go, * and it's as well to be able to answer them. Now you, Rowley, for instance, if he askad -sou to repeat the names of the cavalry and the infantry regiments in their proper order, what would you do ?' • The junior shuddered at the mere possibility of it, and said he did not know. •I'm certain I couldn't tell,* said the VAdjutant, coming to the rescue of the fallen ons,' *Nor I. Nor I,' echoed the occupants of the ante-room. • It's as simple as the alphabet,' said the Major, who did know; and quite necessary to be learned, in my opinion.' Then he swaggered out. 'Conceited ass!' muttered the senior subaltern, as he watched the Senior Major walk to his quarters; ' serve him right if he fell with his head on his spurs and let a little bit of his superfluous wisdom out.' Without troubling to consider the possibility of such an act he turned to Rowley and said, ' If I were you I'd get the Army List and wrestle with .the cavalry and infantry in order of precedence.' ' Then you can reel them off to the Senior Major, and get him one in,' said the Adjutant, with a smile. •If it's any use to use I can let you have a work on the statute law relating to the Army,' said a pale young man who affected a close acquaintance with the legal military works published by authority. • And I can loan y«u a catalogue of the pathological specimens at 'Netley,' said the Surgeon; • then you' 11 have the General . safe on the question of the human organs in an abnormal condition.' ' As to strategy and tactics,' said a subaltern who spent his days in drawing up schemes on paper, and his nights in dreaming about them, and who was the worst drill in the battalion, ' I can put you up - to a thing or two that would knock the stuffing out of any General you could name.' All this was playfulness and buoyancy of spirit directed against Rowley, who was the proper and the natural butt for it. When, therefore, the junior rose slowly and said that he would not do these things for the Commander-in-Chief himself, much less General of a district, and walked coolly out, men stared, and said nothing until he had - got half-way across the parade. „ ' Rowley's a brick, after all,' said the Adjutant admiringly. ' He'll stand or fall by what he knows, and won't open a book before the General comes, that I'll warrant,' said the senior subaltern rather enviously. 1 ■ . ' And he'll come out as well as anybody, I'll guarantee,' said the Adjutant. ' There's nothing like adopting the tactics of Brer Rabbit at a time like this, if you'we the nerve to do it. He lay low, and if wc could do the same and not mix our senses and - shake them up so that there'll be no chance of shaking them down again within a reasonable period we should impress the General a lot more than we shall when he comes down to see us.' ' All the same,' said the senior subaltern, * I shall go and rub things up a bit. It'll be just as well for some of us.' He cast a meaning glance at the remaining juniors, and they took the hint and went meekly to their quarters, where they tried hard to leam something against time. Three days after this the Senior Major walked into the ante-room, looking vastly important. * The General," he said, *is coming down to-morrow, and he's going to |P put us through our paces. The battalion will fall in at nine a.m., and heaven only knows when it will be dismissed. So far as a muster goes wc couldn't have a finer. There won't be a single man abseat from the parade who isn't regimentally employed ; and that'll go a long way to set things right with the General, even if the drill isn't quite all it should be. I happen to know!' added the Major, and he tried to look very much as if someone had told him. But no one had. He had heard in part and assumed in part. It was a glorious morning when the battalion fell in rjid marched to the Long Acre. The' Long Acre was a wide stretch of greensward upon which a single battalion could do many things. It was bounded on one side by the barrack-wall, and on the side opposite to this was the front garden wall of the Vicarage. The Colonel walked down the lines and inspected the men, and when ho had done so he returned to the Senior Major and said he thought the battalion would gladden the heart of a very fury. * There's positively only one man absent,'

he said, * and that's that drunken beast of a Wilton. But better let him be awaysoaking than be here half-sober and spoiling the drill and the look of things.' ' Far better,' acquiesced the Major. * I don't know what tune the old fellow's expected here,' continued the Colonel, « but at any rate he'll find us prepared. He'll he a little astonished, when he visits the barracks, to learn that we've been up and doing for some time' 'lt would be well to get the battalion to work, wouldu't it?' suggested the Senior Major. ' Then we shall have got into trim when the General comes Even an hour's performance works wonders at a time like this ; and he can't very well turn up this side of half-past ten.' And so the battalion went to work, and in the space of an hour it had shaken all the looseness out of itself. The men were on their mettle, and were prepared to meet the eye of any General without flinching. The battalion had done its duty nobly, and the Colonel knew it. He was rather

tired himself, and assuming that the men also were weary he commanded them to stand easy for a while. The battalion thereupon fell into various easy attitudes, and men's eyes wondered to all parts of the Long Acre. For one thing, there were many womenfolk about, and it was pleasant to be able to shoot glances at them and ask them by signs what they thought of the battalion's exhibition generally. Suddenly the eye of the Sergeant-Major became transfixed to an object near the Vicarage. He was an officious man was the Sergeant-Major, and he no sooner saw the object than he hurried up to the Adjutant and said in a low voice.

' Sir, the General's watching us from the corner of the Vicar ige wall.' The Adjutant turned his head cautiously, and from the tail of his eye saw the cocked hat and frock coat of the great man of the district.

'He's » wondeiful power of vision, sir,' said the Sergeant-Major; 'he can see an unbuttoned 'erscy half a mile off. He's got a marvellous hcyo.' The Sergeant-Major coughed. He made a slip iu his speech sometimes, and always knew it. Whenever he slipped he coughed, and persuaded himself that the error had been so trifling as to be unnoticed. The cough was to cover the retreat of the error ; and in making the Sergeant-Major prided himself on being extremely artful. 'A marvellous eye,' repeated the Ser-geant-Major, warily guarding his words; ' and he can see every man in the ranks as plainly as I can see the feathers iu his own cocked hat.'

' Why docs lie sneak round in this way ?' asked the Adjutant, 'and spy on our actions, instead of coming in proper style and inspecting us ?' The Sergeant-Major cleared his throat. Here was an opportunity not to be missed. The Adjutant had never seen the new General, nor had any other officer in th& battalion. He, the Sergeant-Major, had seen him; and he, the Sergeant-Major, was going to rub the fact in liberally. ' The General,' said the Sergeant-Major, having cleared his throat, 'is just a trifle bold.' He paused, and shot a glance at the face of the Adjutant to see if he had noticed the slip. But the face of the Adjutant was wooden and impassive, and he showed no sign of recognition of the wandering aspirate. He was a man who took his enjoyment solemnly. ' Just a trifle eccentric,' went on the Sergeant-Major, and having got the words out safely he assumed a look of defiant triumph. «One of his greatest pleasures is to come down unexpected and give a ridgiment a toasting.' * Oh,' said the Adjutant. 'Yes,' proceeded the Sergeant-Major, nettled somewhat by his superior's coolness ;• a toasting—and a , beg pardon, sir, I'm sure, I meant a hextra good toasting.

The shadow of a smile flitted across the Adjutant's visage. The Sergeant-Major saw it, and condemned himself in heated terms, but silently. • I've known him,' proceeded the Ser-geant-Major, ' stand against the wall for three hours at a time, watching a battalion drill, and he's never moved. It's a way he has, being by nature playful. And I've known him stand there still and make no sign when half a dozen men have fainted in the ranks.'

The Sergeant-Major was drawing on his imagination, but that, he reasoned, was of small moment, since no one in the corpt would be any the wiser or the worse for it. ' Just as he's standing now,' went on the Scrgcant-Major, reflectively, ' have I seen him stand—many a time and oft; but

ather more so.' There was another ghost of a smile on

the_ Adjutant's face, but the SergeantMajor didn't see it. He was too busy with his fancv.

' It's the General's way to the life,' said the Sergeant-Major. ' He's very free in his attitudes —not at all military, most negliggey, in fact.'

' He certainly does look neglige, as you y,' said the Adjutant.

The Sergeant-Major looked suspicious. He had not used any such word. • Not to say like a sack of coal with its back broken,' added the Adjutant, and he walked off towards the Colonel.

' This infernal mystery beats me,' said the Colonel, as the Adjutant approached him. ' What's your opinion of it ?' ' It isn't out of keeping with the character of the General,' replied the Adjutant. •They're a privileged body,' interposed the Senior Maior ; ' they can do no wrong. Now if I lolled against a wall jutt as the General is lolling, I should expect the battalion to say hard things. Not to put too fiiie a point upon it I should expect them to say that I was under the influence of liquor.' • I <Jon 't know enough about the General of thd district to be able to express an opinion,' said the Colonel, 'but judging from the spectacle which the amiable old gentleman against the Vicarage wall presents I should say he isn't in his right mind.'

' The Sergeant-Major says he knows the General's little ways perfectly,' said the Adjutant. •He used to be in the regiment of which the General was Colonel, and says he's <Jne of the most extraordinary men alive. According to the Sergeant-Major the General always does this sort of thing with a new battalion.' The Colonel began to think he might be judging the General harshly. After all, a man might just as well watch the drill from a quiet sunny corner as go fussing about the ranks, and interfering with everything and everybody. * I'll show him,' said the Colonel, ' that he won't catch my battalion sleeping. Just put it through its show paces, Har- | wood.'

The Senior Major went and did as had been ordered. It took half an hour to put the battalion through its show paces, for that particular performance included the lnanucl and firing and bayonet exercises; and by the time the ceremony ended the men were in an evil mood. They were once more ordered to stand easy, and were glad that this was so, for it gave them a chance to say what they thought—and it was not flattering—about Generals as a body, and this General as an individual. While the men rested the Colonel, baffled and incensed, wondered what he should do next.

The battalion had been put through all it knew. It had broiled and sweated in the sun for an hour, and yet the General made no sign of advancing or retiring. He still leaned negligently against the wall, the tip of his cocked hafc tilted just over his eyes—-

done, the battalion supposed, to keep the sun out of them. How he kept his position no one knew ; for he looked every moment, as the Sergeant-Msiior expressed it, ' as if he'd shutter in a 'eap to the hearth.' ' It's the most extraordinary attitude that ever mortal man adopted,' said the Senior Major to the Commanding Officer. 'For a man in his high position it's most unseemly.' ' When you become the General of a district,' said the Colonel, 'you can adopt any attitude you like, and no one can say anything against it. That's one of the advantages of the position. I've made a mistake in this wretched business. I ought never to have laid myself out to try and please him in this way. I feel strongly disposed to dismiss the parade and make out that I never knew he was near. It's a horrible and disgusting fix.'

' He mightn't like it if you did,' said the Senior Major. ' Like be ' The Colonel checked himself, and asked imploringly, ' What are we to do ? How are we to get near and have a chance of hearing what the wish o f the old ghoul is ?' ' Why not carry out the attack formation ?' suggested the Major, who had brilliant notions at times.

' The very thing !' exclaimed the Colonel. ' Why didn't you think of it before ?' ' You can make the General the position to be attacked,' said the Major; 'then there'll be no question about his seeing we're here. We shall get to the very nose of him. He can't very well pretend not to see us if we storm the spot where he is and carry iu by assault.' ' You'\ T e a wonderful imagination,' said the Colonel, delightedly; 'the idea would never have struck me even if I'd been on parade all day.' ' I'm thought to have rather a line fancy,' said the Major complacently, ' but, all the same, it's very good of you to say what you have said.'

'By Jove, and I meant it,"* said the Colonel, enthusiastically, lavish of praise now that he saw a way out of his difficulty. ' You ought to have been an actor or a writing fellow, with an imagination like yours.'

The Colonel meant well, but the Major happened to have a rather low opinion of the dramatic and literary professions, and scarcely appreciated his chief's compliment. He would have preferred being likened to a great strategist or tactician. The battalion carried out the attack formation. It was a fine performance ; the men entered into the spirit of it, and if they had been firing ball ammunition the General would have been blown into many many fragments. As it was he retained his position. He was unmoved, and all that happened was that the tip of his hat tilted a little more forward and shaded his eyes better.

' The cunningest old fox on earth,' said the Sergeant-Major. ' Makes believe not to see; to be asleep; and all the time he's watching us with eyes like a lynx's. I wasn't under him for years without getting to know his little ways. Just see how he'll come to life when we charge.' The General did come to life, but not quite as the men expected. The last volley had been fired, bayonets were fixed, and the battalion dashed fiercely on to capture the position. The men rushed forward with a rousing cheer. The General heard it, and raised his head at last. Then so the unutterable amazement of the battalion his cocked hat tumbled to the ground and the General did the same.

The cheer died away, and the battalion halted without being ordered. The Colonel, with a strong forboding of evil, rode forward, and halted a few yards away from the General. Then the mystery was explained. As the truth flashed upon him the Colonsl felt a strong temptation to shout with laughter, but the eyes of the battalion were upon him, and discipline must be maintained.

1 Take the drunken beast to the guardroom !' he said, and four men fell out and conveyed Private Wilton at the ' Frog's March' to his place of retirement. ' March the battalion back to the parade and dismiss it, Harwood,' said the Colonel, and the Senior Major did so.

' What puzzles me is,' said the Colonel, as he sat in the ante-room with Harwood, consoling himself with a whisky and soda, ' Where did he get the hat and coat ?' 'Nothing easier,' answered Harwood. 'He went and borrowed them at the regimental theatre. He was just drunk enough to mix things nicely up, and make asses of everybody.' 'lt isn't a bad joke,' said the Colonel, his eyes twinkling and his face relaxing. 'By Jove! How we shall laugh about it in years to come!' ' And how the General will laugh about it to-morrow!' said Harwood.

' What of the Sergeant-Major?' asked the Adjutant. The Colonel and the Senior-Major laughed, and the Colonel said, ' Lsave him and Wilton to settle the matter between them, then justice will be done all round.'

To Preserve Celery Through the Winter. —Gather the celery on a flue day before it is injured by the frost. Cut off the leaves and roots, and lay it in a dry place for a few days, till it is partially dried, and then remove it to a cool cellar, where it will bo quite secure from the frost. Pack it up in sand, putting layers of celery and sand alternately.

Celery Salads—Take the inner and tenclerest sticks of three heads of celery, cut them into strips an inch long and the thickness of young French beans. Rub the salad-bowl slightly with garlic or shalot. Mix the yolks of two hard-boiled eggs with three tablespoonfuls of salad oil, and of Tarragon vinegar, a little flour of mustard and pepper and salt to taste. Add the celery to this, turn it over well, and crush with the hard-boiled whites.

Devilled Sardines. —A useful siivoury, in season at any time. Take six or eight sardines, skin them, sprinkle each with cayenne and salt. Brush them with oiled butter, and heat them in the oven. Prepare some strips of buttered toast and sprinkle with cayenne and Worcestershire sauce. Place a sardine on eacb, and serve at once.

Invalid Omelette.—One egg, one teaspoonful of milk, a little scraped raw beef, a little pepper and salt. Separate the yolk from the white of egg, and mix the yolk and the meat adding the salt, then beat up the white on a plate with a knife to a stiff froth. Then mix together and fry quickly in a hot pa;!, shaking the pan while cooking. Cook for two minutes, then double in half and tur:! out on a hot plate, and serve quickly.

Chocolate Sandwiches.—These are delicious for afternoon tea. Place a layer of freshly grated chocolate between two slices of bread and butter. There must be plenty of chocolate, or the bread and butter will not taste of it.

Pedestrian (to robber): ' I haven't any money with me, I'm sorry to say, but if you den't molest me I'll advise all my friends and acquaintances to take walks along this lonely path.'

Some of the Russian battleships arc lined with asbestos, as a protection against fire.