Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 440, 18 August 1904, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

PAYING FOR A JOKE, A rather parsimonious gentleman recently got the better of some of his acquaintances, who were continually pestering him about his niggardliness. Goaded to desperation i by their taunts, he one day invited his detractors to a dinner. When they made their appearance they were simply astonI ished at the magnificence of the treat pro- | vided. Apologies were tendered, and the , .miserly individual warmly complimented as Swell.

'Now, gentlemen,' said the host, when acknowledging ■ their compliments, ' yott have put my liberality to tho test. I am going to try,your generosity. I know a poor man who is very much in need of financial help through untoward circum* stances, and I propose to raise a subscription on his behalf. Sec, I commence the list with ten shillings. Will you help ? Needless to say, everyone subscribed liberally, as no one cared to be thought more close-listed than the host, who, when he had collected all the money, coolly said: ' I thank you, gentlemen, for your sympathy; and now, I think, wc are quits. You have paid both for your joke and your dinner. It was I who required the money.' DECIDEDLY DOWDYNot long ago a lady was choosing a winter hat, with the usual uncertainty of mind as to the kind of hat she wanted, or whether, indeed, she wanted a hat at all. After trying on nearly every model in the shop she pounced with glee on one she had overlooked. ' Here's something pretty!' she said. ' Why did you not show mo this before?' Without waiting for an answer, she appealed to her patient friend. ' Thore's some style about this, isn't there? How do I look ?'

The friend distinctly sniffed. 'lt makes you look a hundred, and it's very dowdy,' she s.aid. The other tried the hat at another angle. ' It is rather dowdy,' she admitted, at this juncture. 'Perhaps I won't risk it after all.' A voice from behind her made its third attempt to gain a hearing. ' If you've quite done with my hat,' it said, very bitterly, ' I should rather like to put it on.' WHY JAMES STRUCK. . A thriving but somewhat miserly farmer was in, the habit of leaving his horse and gig at the door of a certain inn on market days in charge of the first person he could find. One day Jamie, the village butt, had been engaged for this purpose, but on reentering the gig the farmer, much to Jamie's surprise, drove off without the slightest acknowledgment for his time and trouble. Next market day the farmer again called Jamie for the same purpose. ' Na, na,' said Jamie, ' I dinna need to hand horses ony mair.' -. ' And how's that ?' inquired the farmer. ' Oh, ye see, sir, replied Jamie, ' what yo gicd me last time has made me independent.' I ME WAS LOST. He was going along somewhat uncertainly when he ran plump into a street lamp-post. He backed away, replaced his hat on his head, and firmly started forward again, but once more ran into the post, Pour times he tried to get by the lamppost, but each time his uncertain steps' took him plump into it. After the. fourth attempt and failure to pass the post he backed off, fell to the pavement, and clutching his head in his hands, murmured, as one lost to all hope: ' Lost! lost in an impenetrable forest!' ' •■• . . WILLING TO OBLIGE A man suffering from toothache found his dentist ill in bed, but was informed that the dentist's wife ' would do. as well.' Ho consented, and, after some trouble audpiin to the patient, the tooth was out. Upon finding the charge was only sixpence, Ue expostulated, and wished to give .more. The dentist, hearing him, called out: ' Never mind, Sally ; take him out another at the same price!' - ' . THE COBBLER'S REVENGE. 'These shoes, doctor,' said the cobbler, after a brief examination, ' aren't worth mending.' * , 'Then, of course,' said the doctor, turn» ingaway, 'I don't want anything done to them,' ' But I charge you half a crown just the same.' ' What for ?' ' Well, sir, you charged me half a sovereign the other day for telling me thflre wasn't anything the matter with me.' CONUNDRUMS What is the best way to enjoy the happiness of courtship ? Get a little gal-an-try. What is that which receives many answers without taking the trouble to ask any questions ? The street door. Why would a portrait painter bo a good theatrical attraction ? He could draw the people. A LIFE SENTENCE. ' Would you call stealing a kiss larceny ?' queried the inexperienced young man. ' I supposed so,' replied the married man, who was working from dawn to dusk to support his family. ' What is the penalty ?' ' Why, I stole a kiss once, and was sen, tenced to hard labour for life.' TOO MUCH HAPPINESS. ' What's the matter. Jimsby ? You look bothered.' ' I am. I had a happy home until my wife joined one of those philanthropic clubs* and promised to do some little thing every' day to add to my happiness, and now sho'B got so many ideas I can't rest.' Young Sharpships: ' I fay, dad, what is martial law ?' Old Sharpshins (with a growl): ' Ma-shall law is the rule a married man lives under when his wife's mother lives with him.'