Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 428, 28 July 1904, Page 7

Humour.

A BACECOUBBE BETTING STOBT. - A writer on ' Touts' in the * Badmington Magasine > tells ; a*'good story of two of 'these'* gents,' whose business it is to hang round-" racing 'stables, oh" the look-out for information, • ' -j : ?'**;*& »:•( A ' The two touts in question, both in want, of money, met in tHe paddock at a race, meeting, In one of the races'there was a fancledcandidate from.eaoh of the training quarters from -which these men oame. There were only three starters, and'one of these had; according* to the betting, but little chance. . < I must get a bit somehow I' said one of the touts. 'So must I V said the other. • I'll tell y6u what toidof you go and tell So-and-So' (mentioning the name of a bookmaker) 'that the horse from your, training quarter is no good, and he must 'get something out of it,' and I will do likewise with my bookie. If your horse gets beaten you will ba able to draw from your man. If my horse get' beaten I shall receive from mine, so that in any cuße we are snre of something, and what we obtain we'll divide.' The two worthies went to their respective clients and told them this tale. Fortunately for the pair the outsider won the race, and when they went up to their respective masters with the; ' What did I tell you ?' the bookmakers had had such a £03(3 race that they: paid out liberally the supposed good tips,

A WILD WEST STOBY. ■* In some of the American up-country districts physicians are few and far between, like the traditional call from an angel, In one of the rmall mining camps far away in the Black H*ills there Jay a big Coraishman stricken with fever. His wife, being unskilled ia remedies for the ailment, hunted high and low for adector, failing, howpver, after a long and patient search, to discover anything, better than a veterinary surgeon. ' What would you do, doctor,' she cried, •' if your brother was delirious with'fever P' 'Madam;' replied he, ' I know no more than you. I can cure only horses and other animals.'

"Well, doctor/ she said,«my husband's as Btrong as a horse, What would you do for a horse f And for Heaven's aaKe be quick in telling me I* .. r 'Madam.' replied the. vet, "'I should open his mouth, pull hia tongue out on one side to prevent his biting me, and give him this fever-powder, paper, string, and ail.

Blinded with teats of gratitude., the poor woman paid for the fever-pawder and hurriedly departed. History says that the man got well, ""but her had a hole in his tongue, and his poor wife goes round with only three fingers on one hand.

HE.EiN THROUGH:A PLATE-GLASS ; . WINDOW. A 'commercial traveller had a curious and "* unusual experience at Sbookton. recently. He was making a call at the establishment of Messrs. D. Hill,; Carter, and Co„ Ltd., when he saw a car for Middlesbrough approaching. Being desirous of 'catching it, he made a dart out of the shop. As it happened, the windows had been.cleared for the weekly 'dress- ">&' i ■•. &Hd - v the. commercial, probably deceived by the clearness of the glass, dashed into the window space instead of the entrance corridor. He ran against one of the plateglass windows,, knocking it completely out and 'Smashing it to smithereens. Fortunately, his 'topper' bore the full fonca of the impact, and he escaped uninjured. A man outside, who saw the commercial coming, was so astonished at the occurrence, that he fell sprawling to the ■ ground,' but was not hurt, The unusual, incident Caused some excitement, and, naturally,, considerable amusement.

A BARROCK-BOOM STOBY. The term 'fatigues' is, in the army, applied to all the dirty work of a barrack or camp, and is looked -upon with great distaste by most' and many and varied are the schemes adopted to avoid it. *This work is done by the men in turns, a roster being kept by the. ser-geant-major. In a station in India a few years ago the chaplain had great difficulty in getting any of the men of a certain regiment to attend the Communion services at the Garrison Church. Finding that his invitations from the pulpit were ignored, he sought the assistance of the regimental sergeant-major. That worthy promised to do what he could to induce the men to attend, but was doubtful as to the result. On the following Sunday, however, no less than 20 men put in an appearance, much to the chaplain's' delight. The, Sunday after this number nearly doubled itself, and so increased every Sunday that the consumption of wine assumed serious proportions. The chaplain could not understand how the sergeant major had succeeded in working this miraculous change, and on next meeting him asked him how no had brought home to the men the necessity of being regular Communicants. ■

'Your reverence,' said the' sergeant, major, ' I told them that each attendance would count as having done a 'fatigue.''