Yarieties.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 422, 26 May 1904, Page 2

Yarieties.

WHY HE WOULDN’T SHOOT. ‘fWV GUARDSMAN. the other day, fefyj® was discussing politics ia a public house in the Edgware Road with • two seedy Hyde Park oratory. ‘ Tell us,’ they asked him, if one day the down-trodden British workman j were to revolt, would you fire on him P' * Never,’ ‘ You’re one of the right sort j you must have a drink with us. Three pints, please’ After they had drunk the soldier’s ea Ith,‘ one of them casually said—•Ho w many men like yourself can we count on in your barracks ?’ ‘ All the band 5 they will act as myself. I play on the big drum, yon know,’ the guardsman quietly remarked, as he finished the contents of his glass.

IN THE NURSERiT.

Do not always trust the aavice of the woman who has had nine children. . Do not always feed a child the moment it cries. There may be other causes of grief besides hunger, Hang on the walls of the nursery pictures that the child will understand, and not some' deep or solemn subject over which he will puzzle his small brain. The doleful neighbour has frightened more mothers, buried more babies, and caused more tears than all the plagues

combined. She should be suppressed, I and with her the long-faced, gloomy doctor. Mother a should be careful about children's fears, and instead of langhisg at "them allow to themselves that the fears are real to the child, and cannot exactly "jbe explained away till experience shows •jtha groundlessness of, them. PAPEB WITH ONE COPT. The Emperor of Austria may be said to be responsible for the method by which, most European monarchs absorb the news of the day. Bather more than 30 years ago he gave orders that a private newspaper should be supplied to him every morning. This journal is made up of extracts from all the leadiag morning jour* aals of Austria. Each important article. is carefully condensed by a competent writer, and the result written out on small square sheets, which are slipped into a blading cover and laid upon his Majesty's breakfast table. The Emperor [has given tha strictest directions thatnothißg which concerns him personally, whether dieagreeable or otherwise, shall be omitted, and it is said that he occasionally orders in a bu&dle of fresh newspapers in order to be sure that his orders are not dieobeyed. The German Kaiser, one of the busiest men alive, has a court officer with a staff under him, whose sole duty is to cut out all items of news which may interest the imperial eye, and submit them neatly pasted up in a scrap book each morning. These books are kept and filed away, and should eventually prove a valuable record of the history of the stirring reign.

APEOPOS OP BEAEDS. One of tbe pioneers of a certain regiment in Ireland, a smart-looking young fellow, came up before the colonel of his regiment, and asked permission to grow a beard, which, in accordance witb the immemorial custom of the Service, was granted. Three weeks later, the same pioneer, his chin like a badly-scraped cornfield, oame and asked permission to shave off his beard, and the colonel naturally asked him the reason why. * Well, sir, it's this : My parents want me to grow a beard because they think it looks more martial; but my girl, she won't have it because it scratches." Permission given. AN X-EAT EYE. They had not been married ' very long, and that complete blissful trust whieh young husbands and wives have in each other bad not yet broken. But one morning Trife meekly remarked: 'I mended the hole in yonr trousers pocket last night after you had gone to bed, John dear. Now, am I not a thoughtful little wife ?'

• Well—er —ye-eß,' returned John, dubiously, 'you are thoughtful enough, my dear; but how the mischief did. you discover that there was a hole in my pocketP'