Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 405, 11 February 1904, Page 7

Humour.

the banks of a rivulet near Sfcrabarie there is said to*be a stone beariag the following inscription that ia intended to be of servipe to strangers i—'Take notice, that when this stone ia out of sight it is not safe to ford the river.'

P° e of the most diplomatic notices ever P» n t»o on a board was recently, and may pe atiU, seen in the garden of a hotel in the. Yale of Avooa. It reads's—'Ladieß will not, others MUST NO r, pull the flowers in this garden.* This is certainly more graceful than the announcement: «Tourists and. other tramps may write their names here on p*yment of 61. Prooeediags to go towards fresh paint,' that appeared on the natise-board of the half-way hut on Ben Nevis. / r- , A somewhat blunt announcement that found a prominent position in a merchant's office, reads, ' Providence we trust j all elae cash.' - Vv .i" More subtle, but not leas direct, was the notice that appeared last year ia the window of a city clookmaker'a abop.' It read aa followa:—' The misguided orearvturewho removed the thermometer from this door Had better return it, as it will be of no uas where he is going. It only registers 125deg.' Some courteous Belgian, who evidently imagined that locomotives, aa well as human beings, should be placated by politeness, wrote the following notice:— ' Engines are requested to Whistle twice for Tournai, and three times for Gourtrai,' which appears on a board to be seen a few hundr«d yards from Montseron. Mistress: «Did you manage to find the basket of eggß that waß on the floor, Kate r Serrant: « Oh, yia, mum, aiaily. Qi shteppod in it.' Man may be partially known by the company he keeps, but not wholly bo until said company has married him and summered and wintered with him. When on his beat late one night a policeman was surprised to come across a drunken man kicking violently at a lamppost- The constable thought this m curious thing for a man to be doing, ao said to him: * What are you doing here, my ma i The drunken man did not appear to hear, but went on kicking harder still. The policeman, seeing he did not take any notice, touched him and repeated his question. 'Oh,' replied the man, 'I know she's in, I'm sure she's in; there's a light upstairs.'

She: ,'I know, Alfred, I have many faults.' • He: ' Oh, certainly.' She (angrily): 'lndeed! Perhaps you will tell me what they are I' Hicks: ' This paper advertises a list of one thousand new names for girls.' Mrs Hicks: 'Step in and get it; I've called ours all I can think of.' Judge Guffey: ' What passed between yourself and the complainant ?' O'Brien: ' I think, sor, a half-dozen bricks and a piece of pavin' stone.' The story is told of a Scotch preacher who gave his people long, strong sermons, and delivered them in a remarkably deliberate manner. One Sunday he asked a friend who was visiting him to. occupy his pulpit in the morning. « An' were you satisfied wi ? my preaching?' asked hit friend, as they walked home from the kirk. ' Weel,' said his host, slowly, *it was a fair discoorse, Will'm, a fair dißCOorse; but it pained me at the .last to see the folk looking so fresh and wide awake. 1 mistrust 'twasna sae long nor sae Bound as it shonld hae been.' «Father, where were you born P' asked the youthful heir. .__zJ 'ln Cheßter,' replied his father. ' And where waß mother born P' ' Your mother was born in London.' ' But, father, where was I born ?' 'My dear child, you were born in D abUn. Why do you ask P' ' Oh, nothing, only I think it is verj fanny how we three people ever met each other.' -V^