Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 388, 15 October 1903, Page 2

Humour.

' Will it hurt, doctor ?' inquired the man in the dentist's shops. •Not a bit,' said the professor of painless dentistry. ' I'll bet you a sovereign in will.' ' I'll take that.'

' Well, go ahead, doctor.' said the patient, settling himself down in the chair. ' I don't care a hang now whether it hurts or not'

Mfs. Smith (thoughtfully): 'I am afraid I shall have to stop giving Bobby that tonic the doctor left for him.'

Mr. Smith (atxiously): ' Why ? Isn't he any better ?' Mrs. Smith: 'Oh, yea! But he has slid down the banister six times this morning, broken the hall lamp, two vases, a water-jug, and a looking-glass, and 1 don't feel as I could stand much more.'

'Cananj of you tell mef' queried the teacher, ' what causes the saltness of the ocean ?'

' The cedfiah, please, Bir,' answered & small boy, whesa mother was rather fond of providing salt fish for dinner.

'Are you capable cf shooting a man down in cold blood P' asked the stage hero, taken at a disadvantage, but look* ing him fearlessly in the eye. * * If I'm not,' howled the villain, cocking the property pistol and advancing upon him, ' what do you suppose the old man is paying me three pounds a week for ?'

Mr. Pompons, MP.: 'You'd like & look at Parliament P Well, my dear madam, I'll see if I can get you an order for the gallery.' Mrs. Tompkisg : ' The gallery, indeed! The idea! If I can't get in the stalls or dress- circle, I won't go at all.'

'Now/ said the irate mother to her family of one boy and four girls, who had been misbehaving themselves. 'I am going to whip you all,' and she seized on Jimmie to receive the fust instalment of the chastisement. ' Mother,' said Jimmie, 'ladies first, always'

'Papa,' said a boy much given to reading, 'I have often seen the phrase, 'all right-thinking people,' in the papers. What kind of people are right-thinking people ?' ' They are the sort of people,' said the father, ' who think as we do' ■>

' Well, I never !'* exclaimed Mrs. Biggins. * What's the matter,?' asked her husband, in a startled tone, as he turned around from his shaving-glass. 'The idea of a grown man like you srauding there for five minutes at a time admiring yourself!' • I'm'Vnot admiring myself. My feelings are those of astonishment, not admiration. I can't realise that I'm the same p; rson who years ago was called 'precious ppf and heira On people's knees and kissed by the neighbour?. It's an awful thoug'ct.'

In a certain school, duiiag a parsicg lersoi, the word 'waif' occurred in the sentence.' The youngest, who was up, a bright-eyed little fellow, puzzled over the word for a few minutes, and then a bright ides struck him. ' I can parse it: Positivp, waif; comparative, wafer; super, lative, sealing-wax.'

Naggsby: ' It's funny how wemen will change their minds. When I first met the girl who eventually became Mrs N., she was one of those who declared she would not marry the best man in the world. Within a year she married me.' Waggsby: ' but what makes you think she has changed her mind V