HARPER, CLASS OF '46

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 386, 1 October 1903, Page 8

HARPER, CLASS OF '46

"T WONDER if any of my old gang J[ will be back to the celebration •f that double centennial celebration." said Harper, class of '46. Harper, '46, is a little stewed-up old man, with a pink face and beautiful curly white side whiskers. Harper weighs 118 in active training at the present time, and he wabbles badly when he walks. He was talking to his grandson, '96, who left the other day for New Haven. "I got out my old files of the Tat' the other day," said Harper, '46, "and X noticed, by the gods, sir, that Harper, '46, won the running high jump at the field day exercises in '45. His mark was five feet ten inches. It takes a pretty good man to beat that, even to-day, sir. Harper, '46, won the running broad, too. He jumped 18 feet ten inches on the level. That's been beaten often since, I understand, but when I was jumping they didn't have any pneumatic sulkies or any of these new-fangled contrivances. Why, there ain't a horse alive to-day that could catch old Flora Temple in her prime. Records? Of course. But they are made by the aid of all sorts of mechanical contrivances. We jumped and trotted on the level in the old days. Why, I believe that even now I could go out and make some of these cigarette-smoking athletes look iV~'JRh" The old man, leaning heavily on his sane, skipped across the room with all the lightness and airy grace of an animated statue. "When you get down to New Haven," he went on, "I want you to see if old 'Janitor John' is still alive. The last time I saw him was in "46. Be was a young fellow of 55 or 60 then. Did I ever tell you about the time we boys put up the famous skeleton job on him?" The grandson smiled sympathetically. He had beard the tale on an average of once a month for 15 years. But t.-.is was a special occasion. Besides, giaudfather had an estate valued at C 500.000 which would be left to somebody, sooner or later. "Why. uo, grandpa," he said. "What was ii?" "Well, you see, in those days," the old n:ao \vtnt on joyfully, "they only had one skeleton in the physiological laboratory. A lot of us young chaps brok- into the laboratorj' one night and stole the skeleton We caihd it **he colonel," and we were all anxious to pi;t up a job on 'Prof. Billy.' ne was "he !iead of the natural science depa.- ■n: then I suppose he's in -the -same old chair, still, eh? Well, we toi.k the skeleton out—'Pitrgv' Ralston and I—Piggy's a United senator, now-and we climbed the tallest elm on the campus. We tied the eol mel nn in the tiptop branches of tiie eim where every chap who cam;- dux-, n the board walk would see it, when the bell rang for morning chapel, {tut 'Janitor John'—l've always believed the little old cuss was a mind reader--got up before five o'clock that uiornii.g and cut down the colonel before any of us had got a gUv pre of him. "We sat up nights trying to figure out how we'd 'M»af 'Janitor John' out, and finally 'P.gßj' he was the rich n-an of the etas- with nn allowance of V") 0 a month—he sp--nt -51 50 for a pad'nek. and we borrowed a log chain from a man who l.ved uui on the old Turtle road. We took the colonel up to the same old place and chained him to a branch six inches thick. Then we- padlocked the two ei!<is of the chain together and threw away the key. We were sure that would fool old John, bat we *n: up a!! the rest of tiu- night to see what would come of it. "Alnnc» about four o'clock old Janitor John came down along the walk, looking up in the tops of the trees. IVhoii lie came to the colonel's rim he stopped, took off U]> cunt, pulled a couple of big Hits out of his pocket, and shinned up the tree like a Biopkey. In lets than two minutes he was busy filing away at the log cabit el ain, and long before it was time t ; rinc the KrM bell f.or chapel the colonel was i ack again in his glass case in "I'rof. BilieyV laboratory. . "I tell you there was no such thing js getting fthi ad of old 'Janitor John.' tnd i: the old boy is on duty still I'll bet t'■■■re are none of the chaps of the p;> sent day who car. come *t over him. We were about as lively a lot as the old college ever turned out, 111 warrant you.

"Ami the old eating t'!«'.» at South Midi.ie! !i t -. n~ :'.. , •••'ar- • Week Ti.; If ;'..;• .•:;..! ;: > . -,; i helped v. .; . .::. IaS.I:-. T„, .. ~..; .•i.: t ..j get lii!e<- meals ;i day '•» -..<• ,Ut'.',:>V or evtu for nothing, if you .-. ; re ready for work three times on si.\ days in each we, 1.. "1 remember when 'Piggy* K'llston, •Lengthy* Salters, and i we three left a terrible rej-uintiog ! ■••':. id us, I'm afraid—raided the •. \<i t.'Vo> in of the South Middle Kai iig club. Old Mrs. Martin was the matron and she had laid in a big stock of homy and app'.t*. We knew about it and one' Friday night we broke into the storeroom and stole a whole er.se of honey, as many apples as we could carry, and two loaves of bread. We took our plunder up into 'Prof. Tommy's" loom on the third floor of Middle college ar, d had a good square meai. Thai was really (lie only time I ever got enough to eal during my college cours< —and I paid as high as three a week for board part of the time. We were just finishing up the honey when we heard footsteps on the stairway leading up from the second floor. The footsteps sounded 'one, two, limp: one, two. limp.' aiid we knew that it was old 'Prcf. I'( te.' He was the Greek professcr and lie always had been lame. We wailed until he- pounded on the outside of the door with his cane and xu'.il: 'Young* gentlemen, let me in instantly.'

"Then we climbed out the window on to the balcony which grew out of the front of Middle college like the top of a toadstool and got ready io slide down the big white Grecian pillars to the ground. 'Lengthy' Suiters went first because his arms and legswere longest and we figured that he could come nearest to reaching clear around the big white pillars. "When he got down to the second floor 'Prof. Pete' was threatening it: break in the door and we were tickled when 'Lengthy' called back that it was 'dead easy.' 'Piggy' followed him and I went last. We found out for ourselves in a minute what 'Lenghty' had carefully concealed. The white pillars were, of course only imitation marble. They hat' been covered with a couple of coatsof white paint and then sand and fin gravel had been scattered thick over them so that sliding down then was I'ke making a similar trip on cylinder of sand paper. 'Length;.' had on the suit he had expected t« wear at 'Junior X,' but by the tiin he got to the bottom his trousers were in such shape that he found i. necessary to withdraw altogether. 1 didn't fare much better, but, then, : was one of the wealthy men of th class, with a regular allowance of ?'' a ninth, so that I was able to star, the loss of my trousers without serious results.

"'Lengthy,' you know, was th< chap who stole the 'sophs" mortal boards while they were all eatinsupper down at the eating club a. South Middle. The dining-room wa. in the basement and the 'sophs' had piled tip their fancy hats on the window sills. The windows were half above ground and it was just before commencement, so the windows were open. 'Lengthy' started at one end and went all around the building collecting every mortar board on the sills. He got half way around before the 'sophs' noticed what was going on. Before he started in he had locked the doors to the dining-room, so he had a good chance to get away before the first 'soph' climbed out of the window. The 'sophs' played the baby act and complained to the faculty, but they never did find out who stole the mortar boards or what was done with them. They never did get them back until 'Lengthy' sent them around with his compliments to the president of the sophomore class. I don't suppose it will do poor old 'Lengthy' any harm now to tell that he kept all the stolen mortar boards for a month up in the belfry of the Baptist church. 'Lengthy' got three dollars a week for pulling the Baptist bell four times a day on Sunday and twice every Wednesday evening for prayer meeting. He got shot to death by the 'Johnny Rebs,' but he was a colonel before they killed him." "But, grandfather," said Harper, '9G, who felt that it was about time for him to take part in the conversation, "you've forgotten all you really learned, in college, I suppose, like all the rest of us." "Have I, indeed?" chirruped the old boy. "Arma virumque oano Trojae qui primus," he quoted. "Let's go out and have a glass of apple brandy."—Chicago Tribune. A Ton-Thonannd-Oollar Joke. A witty remark does not always result so satisfactorily to the perpetrator as in the case of the young curate who obtained a valuable living in the west of England by means of a pun. The rector who held the living had died, and th'-e were many applicants for the place, which was worth SIO,OOO a year. The living was in the gift of an earl, who was surpri.-»- d at the funeral by the manifi stations of grief by the assembled rectors and curates. So he said to the young curate, who had been acting as the tutor of his son: "Naturally they should feel a proper amount of grief, but I cannot understand why they should weep so fren-zii-d'y for the dead." The young man instantly replied: "You are mistaken, r.y lord; it is not for the dead they v. eep; it is for the living." Thereupon the earl was so, pleased with the keenness of the remark that he presented the living to the curate.— Youth's Companion.