Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 386, 1 October 1903, Page 7

Humour.

ANECDOIESj JBWBHE English language is no doubt a dyMg vet T difficult ona to learn, and it <j&\3 ia a marvel that foreigners ever learn it at all; but they do; — the Germans especially; —and the U3S they make of it afterwaids is sometime! truly remarkable. The proprietor of a mineral spring at Carlsbad knows some Eng£.;,3h, and he writes what he knowa wjtn&i fluent ease and freshness which canm .be too much admired. The following specimen of his literary skill—an advertisement copied from one of his bottles —seems to possess, as it were, Borne of the sparkle of the mineral waters themselves; and the curious thing about it is that a great part of the advertisement will parse ae well as a sen tore 3 out of Macaulay or Addison. ' Warning —Only the above-mentioned packet Hp is the v ry pure salt of the Sprudel because it is produced by the inspection of the town officers." But that Bait packet up in wooden boxes, and also trading with that is false and counterfeit; and it ia our duty to let this be a warning to the gentleman and ladies to buy it/ A policeman detests two gamblers playing at dice in an obscure place and promptly arrests them. The penalty for gambling is very severe in Japan, and the two men beg for mercy and effar to give him everything they possess if be will let them go; but be is stern and implacable at firtt, till curiosity gets the better of him. Ha wonders what there can be so fascinating in a game as to lure men into toe awful position of these two wretches, and he tel!s them to explain to him all about it. This they do so engagingly, that before he knows it, the explanation has developed into a genuine game in which he is one of the players and growing every minute more and more excited. H8 wins for a time, then loses and goes on losing till all his money is gone, then his medals and sacred emblems, his bronze idol, his helmet and accoutrements follow one by one, then his coat and shoes, and finally even hia sword, and he stands almost denuded and fairly desperate with the dice in hia hand rsady for a final throw, when a magistrate and his officers happen to pass that way and he is detected in the act. H3 is tried and condemned, but allowed as a special favour to commit hari-kari, which he does on the stage with realistic effect.

A certain firm of engineers in the United States once received a business letter from an English lord requiring an immediate reply. The senior partner undertook the duty, but was immediately checked by the difficulty of addressing his lordship in the name of the firm. 'My Lord' he felt was not the proper form : and being equally dissatisfied with 'OLord,' the only other method which occurred to him, he laid the matter before the junior partner, who conld only suggest ' OnrJiOrd,' to meet the difficulty. None of these forms, however, pleased the senior partner, and the advice of their confidential clerk, who was generally regarded as a 'long-headed' man, was sought. The resources of his long head were exhausted, however, when he suggested 'Great Lord,' and as this was voted as absurd as the others, it was agreed to sleep over the matter and see what a new day might bring forth. The trio next day were rather annoyed to find affairs in * statu quo,' none of them being visited with gleams of inspiration during the uight. At last a way out of the dilemma w&b suggested by Ihe happy thought of a neighbour, and the reply was sent by telegraph.

One Sunday evening the Beverend Mr. Hammond preached from the text,' Saul, Sanl, why persecutest thou me?' In tbe audience there was an engine driver named Saul, who was accompanied by his wife and little girl. The reverend gentleman repeated his text several times, ' Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?' At last the daughter of Saul, thinking that the text had a personal application, looked up into the face of her parent and said: 'Don't mind him, father, he has been drinking.'

In the city of Cincinnati is an elderly life-insurance agent, who is very persistent when approaching anyone on the subject of life-insurance. After pestering a certain merchant who did not want to be insured, he ms.de a second call, and again broached the subject, which roused the merchant's ire, and he angrily bade the bore to leave the store, and never show his face there again; if he did, he would be booted out. The agent turned to go, and had almost reached the door, when he turned back, and going to the angry man, put his hand en bis shoulder and said, * Had ycu not better take out an accident policy before you attempt to kick mo out?' The soft and winning manner in which the suggestion was made mollified the tradesman, and he took the life policy. It is an almost every-day occurrence to see written on the closed doors of places of business an announcement that the circumstance is in consequence of domestic bereavement. It has been left to a German in Bochester, New York, to reverse the cause, and to be the first to indicate, in a humorous manner, his delight at the marriage of his daughter, which he did thus: ' This store is closed on account of some fun in the family. 9 While the very young daughter of a country clergyman was playing in the garden one day, a stranger came along and inquired if her father was at home. 'No,' she replied, 'but my motner is in the house, and she will pray with you, you poor miserable sinner,'