Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 382, 3 September 1903, Page 7

Humour.

Two English subjects having been captured were ordered by the Mad Mullah, as a punishment, to be stripped naked and sent to gather fruit. The first returned laden with grapes, M.M.: • What bringeßt thou ?' Captive: * Grapes, your Highness.' M.M.: ■ Swallow them whole.' Captive commences to laugh. M.M. (enraged): ' What laughest thou at?' Captive; 'I was just thinking of my poor chum; he's bringing cokernuts.'

In India a few years ago the body of an English soldier, who was supposed to have died, was conveyed to the mortuary, aad a native sentinel told erf to guard the place. The soldier, however, had been in a trance, and waking ap about midnight he came to the door and began knocking loudly, demanding to be set free. But the sentry refused to open the door, and in answer to the other replied: 'Keep quiet, sahib; your ccffin has not come yet!' Dean Gilbert Stokes tells an amusing story of his housekeeper, Eliza Paifitt. On returning from the funeral of his father, who died at the age of 95, the Dean was accosted by this kindly soul as follows : 'And what may have carried the reverend gentleman cff, sir ?' 'Well, my good uromas, I can only describe it as a case of anao domini.' • Dear me ! I hope, sir, he did not suffer much, though I have heard tell as 'ow that's a very painful disease when it ketches you in the stummick !' At a Dublin dinner party a very shy young lady was recently Bent in to table with an elderly cavalier whose hearing was no longer very acute. During the course the gentleman's attention was sufficiently engaged, but when the dessert came round the lady thought it incumbent on her to try and make some conversation. < 'Do you like bananas ?' she murmured at last in an agony of Bhyness. ' No, not at all,' was the unexpected answer, in a voice of thunder which caused all heads to be turned on the unhappy lady and her companion; and in Ilia silence that followed he addod, in tones of outraged feeling, «I much prefer the old-fashioned night-shirt.' • Percy, if a man were to sit on your hat. what would you eay ?' ' I should call him a confounded silly ass!' 'Then, don't sit on it any longer, there's a dear.'

Ton: my had been a town mouse all his little life up to the present year, but work had baen plentiful with dad, and he was discussing with his wife the desirability of sending Tommy for a week into the country. Tommy listened thoughtfully, and at length broke in:— * 1 don't want to go.* * Why not ?' ' 'Cause I've heard they have thrashing, machines in the country, and it's bad enough here in town, when it's done by hand.' - The New Licensing Law.—'Joo, hast thoa seen list of names in paper of them that can't have no more drink i" ' No; is it in ?' «Yee.' Joe looks, but fails to find. Inquires of friend. Friend then points to list of i names in death column.