Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 369, 4 June 1903, Page 7

Humour.

A WISE MA.N. walked up the street the other evening with a box of SSIR chocolates under one arm and a big package of meat under the other. ' Hello, Smith !' said Brown, «gone to housekeeping P I didn't know you-were married.' ' I am not yet' «> ' What are you going to do with those I chocolates and meat, then ?' * Going to see my girl.' 'Do you have to furnish the family , with meai already ?' ' Oh! no; the sweets are for the girl' and the meat for the dog. I have to square both.' j

v EECOGNITION. Court (to- prosecutor): 'Then you recognise this handkerchief as the one which was stolen ?' Prosecutor: ' Yes, your honour ' Court: 'And yet it isn't the only handkerchief of the sort in the world. See, thw one I have in my .poc&et is exactly like it.' Prosecutor : ' Very likely, your honour; there were two stolen. 4

SOLD THE GAME. A medical board was assembled to invalid a number of men from India. Among the number was a man who had suffered with deafness for nearly nine months. -On being called in he took ho notice and subsequently had to be led in. Oh entering the room, the principal medical officer said in a low voice : ft J ' Pick up that rupee on the " : floorj' whereupon the man stooped down to pick the coin up, quite forgetting that he ,ras deaf.. ~ ■.

He was then removed to the guardroom, and in due course received a well earned reward of six months' hard labour.

DOLLY'S LITTLE BBOTHEE

'You ought to have seen M:. Marshall when he called upon 'Dolly the other night,' remarked Johnny enthusiastically to his sister's young man, who was taking tea with the family. * I tell yort he looked fine a-sitting there alongside of ner with his arm——' "• ' '- '

• Johnny f» gasped ais sister, her face assuming the colour of a boiled lobster. 'Well, so he did,' persisted. Johnny. ' He had his arm ' ' John 1' screamed his mother frantically*

~ • Wny,'.whined the now badly frightened boy,'l was '. •You, boy 1 !', roared his father, 'get out!'- \: -i • ;•*<

_. And Johnßy'got,' crying, as he went: ' I was only geing to say that he had his army clothes on, and Dolly knows he had. too!' : • ' :

WOJRSE THAN THE DISEASE., Mr.'Tricure (anxiously): 'My dear boy, ' what a dreadful cold you have!' I Mr. Strongman s * Yes ; I get a cold now and then. Mv only ailment.' / Mr. ;Tricnre; ' But that's very wrong. T never get a cold, and you wouldn't either if you treated yourself as I do.' •Mr* Strongman": 'Well, how, for instance ?' Mr. Tricure: ' I take a Turkish bath every w e ek—it's excellent for my rheumatism, I find—and massage twice a week —that's for insomnia. I rarely sleep more than three hours any night. Then a cold plunge first thing in the morning for my lunge, and a two-mile walk. I seldom take any breakfast—dyspepsia's too bad. I drink about three quarts of hot water during the day for my liver, and then I use a nerve tonic every night. I tell you my boy, if you'd follow my regimen' \ Mr. Strongman: './' Oh, thanks; but—er i —ah—l think I'd rather have a cold.':. .

AT THE CLUB. ' Did you ever, hear,' said a man at the club. ' how George P did the Tim-bucktew-SmitLca at the Hotel Transcendental in Pane? You know what a pushing, overbearing, insolent womaß .Mrs. Tym is. She wanted more rooms on the first floor than she could get George had twpyjery comfortable' rooms 6n ; that i floor. So''she wrote to him, asking him to give his rooms up to oblige a lady. George was much amazed, but he wrote back > perfectly polite note asking whether- the lady drank. Mrs. ' Tym, brought to a high state of tension by this, wrote-back to say she was much surprised by the extraordinary question, but that the lady most emphatically did not drink.. George replied, presenting his compliments and all that, and regretting that he could not give up his rooms to oblige the lady, becauae if she did not drink it would be much" easier for her to get up tbe stairs at night than it would be for him. Imagine her face.'

NO MORE BUTTONS IN THE PLATE. A clergyman's wife waß mending clothes for her boys when one of her daughters called jn to have", a friendly chat. It was not long before the visitor's eye was attracted by a large basket more than half-filled with buttons. The visitor could not help remarking that there seemed a very good supply of buttons. Thereuppon she began to turn them over, and suddenly exclaimed - * Here are two buttons exactly the same as those any husband had on his last n inter suit. I should know them anywhere.' 'lndeed,' said .the clergyman's wife, quietly. ■I am surprised to hear it. As all those buttons were found in the collection bag I thought I might as well put them to some use. , Before she had finished speaking the visitor hastily arose and said she must be going. The story soon got about, and since then no buttons have been found in the collection bag.

■■ ! BICHLY DESERVED. There was in Selkirk a postman of testy and uncivil disposition s A man jabt leaving for business one morning met him and courteously inquired if he had any letters for him. 'No!' said the postman rudely. 'lf there had been any I wad ha'e gi'en ye them.' The man waited till the postman was a long way down the street, and then suddenly cried: 4 Hi! come here!' The postman, much annoyed, trudged back to see whai was wanted. •Do ye think we will ha'e any letters for me the morn?' he was blandly asked.