Humor.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 365, 7 May 1903, Page 7

Humor.

Lady : ' See hare! Why sre you all poundiag that little boy ?' Boy: ' Why, his pop's been advocating an addition to die school so all do PchoJarr kin go full hours !' Firat Prog: ' Cheerful individual, isn't he?' Second Prog : • Yes, indeed! His motto is ' Eat, drink and be merry to day, for to-morrow you may be served up in a restaurant/ ' Papa, I want you to buy a mice trap co-day,' said little Ethel, as her papa was leaving home for the offije. 'You mean a mouse tr»p, don't you, dear ?' askjd papa ' No, 1 don't. Taere are a good many mice to be caught.' Little Flossie: * How muck is a pouud of insect powder P' Drug Clerk: 'Threepence.' L. P.: ' And how much is that for a half a pound ?' DC: 'Twopence.' LP.:' Please, sir, I'll take the other half.' Flatterer : «Your boy, I hoar, is a deep student.' Popley ! ,' He's always at the bottom of his class, if that's what you mean.' He: You are the first girl I ever loved.' She: 'Never mind' Sme don't bke beginners, but I'm not at bll particular.' Mi s. Skantbord (proudly) : ' Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash ■ ut of everything that's left over.' Mrs. Slimtable (musingly): ' But what do yi u do with the hash that's left over P' Mrs. Skantbord : , E*hash it.' ' Grandpa,' she said, ' I saw sciU't'iing this morning running across, the kitchen floor without any What do you think it was ?' Mr. Browitlow studied for a whilo and gave up. ' What was it ?' he asked. ' WaterJ said the youngster triumphantly. * ' There is nothing the matter with you,' persisted the Christian Sjientitt— *ab eolutely nothing. Can 1 not convince you P' ' Lat ma ask you a question," replied the sick man.

' A thousand, if yon like.' •Well, suppose a man has nothing tho Matter with him, asd he dies of it, what didn't ho have the matter with him P' A new boy had coma to schoonfreßh from the country, and the ready 'air' and 'miss' of the city child was quite unknown to him. 'What's your name?' queried tho master.: 'George Hamilton.'* ' Add 'sir' to that, buy.' •Sir George Hamilton,' came the unexpected reply. Everyone roared, and even the master relaxed into a sunk; but the boy, from that time, remained f Sir George.'

A young barrister, whose love of ease makes practice distasteful, and whose ample purse makes it unnecessary, excused himself from a luncheon party the other day, saying ' I mu3t go to the offiae.' Said the hostess, laughingly,' we didn t know you had an office.' ; * Not have an office V he replied. «Why, if I didn't, what should I have to stay away from P' THE QUEE 1 * OF GLORY. A change in the monarchy was respon. Bible for one of the best church stories. In a church in a far away corner of Eaglftnd, the clerk at the time of the Recession of Qa-en Victoria, not the most learned man in the world, was instructed by his vicar to make the usual changes in tfep Prayer Book, such as 'Qaeen' for •Kinz' and 'Her' for 'His.' The vicar waß deaf, and it did not occur to him that sach a simple instmction could go astray. A neighbouring clergyman was the first to enlighten him. He had been preaching at tho church one Sunday, and after the service he remarked to the vicar: •Why does your clerk in theTe Djam say, 'Thou art the Queen of Glory.' AN AMENDMENT, " At the monthly conclave of a certain rural council, it was decideid that an honorariam be awarded to the seoietary, whosse fidelity bad won the esteem of all. One worthy, but illiterate, member, however, put an amendment asfollows: — 'Gentlemen, our faithful secretary really don't need sioh a thing. If we give 'im a honorarium, he couldn't play it. I propose we give him some money instead)'

Ir-.L ON--*':".'-£ HE.FEk. Yew wanttr buy Ihet heifer, Zeb? I don't believe y.v. . I wouldn't siil '.net heifer, sir, to any Ilvln* man. No. sir. if yew should come an' lay a fifty in i&y hand r<* go .-••;' shet the stable door an' let thet i\c". tr stand. Tt \i t <.;. nu right where she is till she Is ..:.; an' gray Afen I ii i*ll one side of her, thet's nil I've koi to say. Tew heerd I wanted to dispose? Tew must hev hterd it wrong; I'd buy a like her, Zeb, If yew'd bring thin; ;:!ong. Of course I've got a lot of stock, more mtock 'en what I need. An' I am short of stable room, an' somewhat short of feed; But ez fcr sellin' thet there beast I would;. '"., no slree! Let fr.rr- -' liars come between thet heifer. Zc'>, an" me. lam ■■ ::: -price critter. Zeb, no mrsp kin U-at me down; She's "wuth a'heap mdre'n forty, Zeb, ask any b»d in town. Hi HunUer wants her purty bad. an' so doe; Dttkin Hale. But ez I sale before, of course, the heilei ain't for sale. She's gentle an' she's good an' kind, an' slickf r then an eel; A child could milk her any time, she'd nevet to.Uk a heel. Dm never hooks nor jumps the fence, she rever runs away. Ab' cc.nn i .-.round at mllkln' timaez reg'lat ez the Ir.y. Tou'd orter see the milk she gives. It's yailvr. thick an* sweet, , An' ez for <it"ka(tlty, by gum, thet helter can't be beat! They'* ju:.'rs of butter floatin' round Inside the militia* pail. An' of her butter, Zeb—but then. she afn'( »or sale. Tew say yew're bound to hev her. Zebl Tew r.-;ir.t her purty bad? The sKc'vs; *sifce of cow-flesh, sir, a farmer . v.r had! Wuth thirty collars 'ez she stands, an' not e urilnr less; For I'm < OKff'-prtce critter, Zeb, yew'llflnd thot out. I guess. Wuth thirty dollars rz she stands. I'll tell yew what I'll dew: I'll swap hj r :.ow for twenty-five—'twlxt me an' l:cr r.a' yew. Jest twt:.:j -t.v»\ no more or less, for I'm a cne-pnn mjin. An* If yew'u v.ar.t to swap her back, why durr. it, ::?l , yr-w can. —Joe-Cone, in X Y Sun.